By Michael O'Hare (AKA Big Brain Prime)

I've had little to nothing happening this week, so I decided that the best thing to help chase away boredom would be to start my own conspiracy. I don't know what brought it on, but I was never in the habit of stopping stupid things I was doing, even after realizing they were stupid, and I sure as Hell wasn't going to start now, let me tell you! I was going to start a conspiracy, whether I liked it or not! That's the kind of initiative I have, and it sure as Hell is the kind of initiative you kids need! If you're a kid, I mean. If you're an adult, slack off all you want, loafer. I think you've earned it, and so do you.

Anyway, my first idea for my conspiracy was to conspire to ramble on like a stupid idiot and make no sense. Considering that whole 'initiative' garbage I just spewed out, I think that would've been a turkey shoot for me. It wasn't until I remembered the legions of homeless people on street corners that I realized that not only had it already been done, but I would also be WAY out of my league if I tried this. I'm also pretty sure there was a Crazy Homeless Guy Union I'd have to deal with. Well, frankly, my past experiences with the Union weren't things I'd want to go over again, especially since I've never had any experiences with Workers Unions of any kind. Sounds fun, though. Unions are fun. They're like onions, only with a 'U'. Ha, ha, ha.

Jesus, what is wrong with me? Maybe I should've started a conspiracy to just be an idiot. What do you think? Pish!

I eventually started by trying to form a conspiracy to take over the world. Right there was my first mistake: I was aiming way, WAY too high. How the holy Hell was I supposed to take over the world when I have trouble keeping my damned floor vacuumed? I really set the bar too high on that one. Don't get me wrong, that didn't stop me from trying, but damn it, did I go about it all WRONG!

First off, I didn't have the budget or the manpower to do something like this. I forgot to mention earlier that I got two friends to join forces with me in this whole conspiracy deal. When I told them I wanted to take over the world, they wanted nothing to do with being minions or lackeys. They wanted high-ranking jobs, like the guys in Cobra who actually had names and moustaches. So, that left me with absolutely nobody to boss around and kill if I was angry. It also didn't help that we spent more time thinking up neat code names for ourselves and our evil operations than we did actually doing anything. I called myself Big Brain Prime, because it sounds like something the leader of an evil conspiracy would call himself.

... If he were a villain in a children's show. Damn it! One of my friends called himself Acid Flame, and the other one called himself Zartan, because he's an uncreative jerk.

Next came our budget. A total failure. After figuring everything out, I concluded that the money I could set aside for conquering the world would be just enough to buy a DVD. Well, I'm pretty sure ingenious devices that take over cities' minds and/or melt ice caps would cost more than $29.99. Also, I ended up using that money to actually buy a DVD. It was the Galaxy Fraulein Yuna DVD. I like Galaxy Fraulein Yuna. She rocks. Totally. Whoo!

So, after sitting down and trying to get inspiration from the DVD we spent our entire budget on, we came up with the idea to steal money. It was the perfect idea. Not only was it an evil conspiracy, to a point, but it would also help with our dwindling funds.

I'd like to show you a list of what we managed to steal during a three day crime spree

-Three dollars and seven cents
-A flat tire with some stagnant water in it, possibly holding mosquito eggs
-Some candy we took from some kids, although this shouldn't count, since the kids actually gave it to us
-The instruction manual for some old Nintendo game
-A turtle
-The country of Madagascar
-A dirty shoe I found in my neighbor's trash can
-A dead corgy, or possibly a half corgy-weiner dog
-Soup. Lots and lots of soup
-By accident, my own hat

We thought we could possibly turn a large profit by using Madagascar in one way or another, but it turns out what we thought was Madagascar was just a pair of funny googly eye glasses. We tried to sell the soup, but we ate it all by accident first. We managed to sell the turtle and the dead dog to some fat, hairy guy wearing fake fox ears and a fake fox tail. The look he gave the dead dog made me suspect that he had a conspiracy of his own lined up. Alone in his room. Freak.

On the way back from selling the rest of our stolen goods to hoboes and evil foreign people with facial hair, I decided to help myself to some of the candy we had 'stolen' from those kids. After pulling the wrapper of the candy and tossing it carelessly onto the ground, I was struck with the perfect idea: Littering. A new, terrifying conspiracy was born on that day, as Big Brain Prime and his cohorts bought some paper and dumped it on the ground. We were certain that the world would kneel before our terrifying littering abilities, and even though the world never did fall before us, the conspiracy was a success, regardless.

So, that was the apex of my conspiracy. I littered. It wasn't even a joint littering, it was just me tossing a Baby Ruth wrapper on the ground while my cohorts threw paper at a bus. I suck at conspiracies. I really do.

I did like the name I gave myself, though. Big Brain Prime. I might change my name legally to that. I'm sure my family will appreciate that. Yeah...

(Or is that what I want you to think? Yes.)

This story is owned by the author, who is in the shirtpocket of the Jewish conspiracy to control the media. He's a magical elf, you see, who travels in the shirtpockets of Jews. Which is strange, because he's not Jewish. Or is he? The conspiracy continues. In a shirtpocket. Of a Jew.

If I was really a magical elf who travelled in the shirtpockets of Jews, I would probably steal their gum, their pens, and, if possible, their hankies. Why would I do this? Well, what else am I supposed to do in the shirtpocket of a Jew, be his companion in a magical adventure through another world where he learns the true meaning of friendship and sincerity? Sorry, that's already been done! It's called Digimon! Dagnabit! Or Consarnit, depending on your relegious views.

I'm so glad I'm not in a position of power, you know that? Can you imagine me in control of an army or some nuclear weapons? I can, and let me tell you, I'd be a total wussy when GI Joe and/or Ultraman show up. A TOTAL wuss! Consarnit! Or Dagnabit, depending on your race.