Authors' Notes: This was made for the sole purpose of love and fun. Well, if you like ridiculously cheesy romance from Eliar Swiftfire. Yes, SD authors can relate.

Dedicated to Mr. and Mrs. Swiftfire… you guys know who you are. We'd love you more if it weren't for your pesky kids.

Info before you read: Shari – author of Natural Disasters, Eliar – author of SLAM DUNK: Inside Stuff. Shari lives in Manila. Eliar lives in Malaysia. She's 17. He's… er… 18. They love each other.

Okay, this is the story of how they all met…

(Note: NSB = Nike Sports Bra. Just a, um…curse.)

The Eliar – Shari Romance Saga by Eliar Swiftfire by URL


Eliar briefly shut his eyes, batting his lovely eyelashes, and opened them again. He had just finished reading his favorite fan fiction, "Natural Disasters", and he was savoring the moments of every scene that was beautifully written.

He only wished he could meet his favorite author personally. He stared listlessly at the screen of his latest acquired laptop and started toying with his cell phone. It crashed on his laptop, damaging the LCD of his screen.

"Butler!" he called out.

Seconds later, a distinguished personage appeared before him.

"You called, Master Eliar?"

"Can I have my schedule today?"

Butler whipped out his handy-dandy notebook and began enumerating the things Master Eliar was supposed to do. Master Eliar couldn't depend on his palmtop for the schedule because he always forgot to list things, anyway.

"You have to get your nails trimmed first." Butler said.

Eliar stared at his perfectly manicured fingers. They were beautiful. What was wrong with them anyway? Pianists' fingers, they were.

"You have to get your hair styled, sir. You have an appointment with that stylist..."


"And your wardrobe manager is here... accompanied by Mr. Hilfiger and Mr. Lauren-"

"Butler, must we do this all?"

Butler blinked. Master Eliar had never asked that question before. Ever since he'd been going to that site, , he had been changing.

"Do... do this... all?" Butler stammered, as if what Eliar suggested was preposterous.

"Yes. I would find it rather pleasant if you find all accessible information about this… Shari..."

If Butler found this request strange, he didn't even twitch to show it. He just readily complied. Why only yesterday, Master Eliar wanted his own porn magazine, "Eliar: Exposed" to be published.

After ten minutes...

"Here it is, Master Eliar. All you need to know about... Shari." Butler walked in the study.

"No, no, no! Butler! It is not… Shari! It is… Shari…" Eliar said crossly. He had been waiting for his loyal servant to return swiftly, and now he had just heard her being called… Shari.

"By the way, what took you so long?" Eliar demanded.

Butler blanched. Should he tell his master how the most humiliating moment in his life had occurred? "Sorry, sir, some problems."

"That new satellite we launched in space... has it been going haywire again?"

"No. I tripped over the desk on my way here and fell down the stairs."

Eliar stared at him incredulously and sighed. "Very well, Butler. Avail yourself of my masseuse." Butler was to be missing in his side for the next hour.

He stared at the file before him. Shari Houston.


He took a spoonful of his caviar and opened the folder.

Butler was sighing under the hands of the masseuse. Master Eliar has the best in town.

He was surprised when he heard a holler down stairs. Master Eliar never hollered. What could possibly be going on? Wrapping a towel on his waist, he turned to see what was wrong downstairs.

And found him on the phone, talking excitedly, while tapping a hundred keys on his latest laptop, which had just replaced the one he wrecked a while ago.

Eliar blinked. He clicked 'send' on his email, and within minutes, the transaction was made.

He stared at Butler.

"Pack your bags, Butler. We're going to Manila."

Butler didn't even blink. But he had a sinking suspicion that this had something to do with... Shari.

That girl.

Within five minutes, they had boarded the Swiftfire's private jet, being driven to the terminal by their own chopper.

With only laptop in hand, Eliar and Butler boarded the plane and set for Manila.

Shari Houston eagerly checked her inbox for the ESth time of the day.

Surely, her heart beat anxiously, surely he's sent me something today.

"Shari, I need the computer. NOW!" Shari's demandingly demanding (well, to her anyway) cousin was screaming.

"Oh, piss off, Renei! You always use the computer….I hardly get to chat with Eliar…."

"You chat with him every bloody day! Now get your ass off that chair, NOW!" she growled.

"But he hasn't sent his hourly e-mail yet…" Shari implored, pleading with her eyes for her dearest cousin to see reason.

Then she realized something.

"Oh, piss off! I'm older than you!" Talk about lack of respect… "Fine, 5 cents for every extra ten minutes." She turned her attention back to the computer.

"For every extra one minute," Renei shot back and left the room.

Oblivious to the preposterousness of the deal, Shari clicked a file labeled 'STORE'.

Sigh...every single e-mail that Eliar has sent me...I've even kept the first one..I suppose this is what they call true love? A blush spread across her cheeks. Oh dear God, what is happening to me? I've never felt this way before, I've never acted this way before...

Shari read the first e-mail that had come courtesy of Eliar Swiftfire.

To: "Shari Houston" idiotic_moron14

From: "Eliar Swiftfire" eswiftfire

Dear Shari,

I'm simply one of your ficfans who have read the wonderful SD comedy fanfic of yours, Natural Disasters...may I comment on how amazingly well-written it was?

It's second only to my writing skill, and I think you might even surpass me one day.

You're obviously talented, Shari, and there's just something about the way you write that makes me feel magically enchanted and undeniably drawn to your fic… it just turns my legs into jelly…

Shari giggled. Oh, he sure does know how to make a girl feel good.

And then there was the time when we chatted and I found out that he was an author as well.

It was all part of her routine now – get up, think of Eliar, go online to read his fic, think of Eliar, reply his mail, think of Eliar, write her fic, think of Eliar, reply his mail, think of Eliar, read his fic (again) in any random order. Oh, she forgot to mention something… think of Eliar…

Her life's become so meaningful ever since he entered it…

And then it happened.

"WAAAAAAIIIIII!" Shari screamed as the 'You've Got Mail' button flashed.

It was from her dearly beloved.


With trembling hands, she positioned the mouse to click on the mail. Just seeing his name like that… it made her want to swoon… and dream of dying in the arms of her beautifully beautiful manly man…


To: "Shari Houston" idiotic_moron14

From: "Eliar Swiftfire" eswiftfire

Oh my beloved Shari,

Well, who'd have thought we'd reach this point? The mere thought of you sparks something in me that I have never known before...

Shari gave a girlishly girly giggly giggle.

Lovely Shari, as the days go by, I do nothing else but to yearn for you…

I'd abandon the stars for you, the one star in my life, even abandon my newly established self published porn magazine (inspired by you, of course)… my darling, I long so much to see your beautiful self in person.

Shari giggled again. Aww, what a charmer. It's great to be pursued by one of the most eligible and richest bachelors in the world of . Think of all the places you could go Shari, with this guy…

I henceforth dedicate this poem, the fruit of my labor and effort and love, sweat, and tears (I even cried when I made this poem) to you:

Soul penetrating lady

Hopelessly makes me loony

Astounding writing, such beauty

Really makes me go all wimpy

I'm in love with you, Shari.

Shari almost fainted. Immediately she started to compose a reply poem. With tears shining in her eyes, she wrote:

Eliar Swiftfire, you are too much,

Loving you brings about emotions too large

I endlessly yearn for naught but your touch

A single word from you, a sole caress

Reels me into a fantastical mess.

She continued reading.

But alas, I cannot bear this torturous ordeal any longer. I have made arrangements to come and see you in person. Therefore, my love, we shall see each other very soon, even as I type this sitting in my private jet (do not fear, Shari dear, I sent Butler off somewhere) heading towards Manila, in the direction of our true love.

Handsomely and dashingly, and sexily yours forever,

Eliar Swiftfire

Shari giggled yet again.

In the direction of our true love….awwwww baby…

Then suddenly she realized the full impact of his words.

…Private jet… heading towards Manila...

"GYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" She screamed and pulled on her elastic-filled hair.

Renei sauntered in, stopwatch in hand. "Does this bloody mean that you're bloody done? You bloody owe me five bloody dollars."

But Shari gave no indication of acknowledging her debt (since she didn't have five dollars, anyway). She rushed up to Renei, elastics popping off her hair, eyes wild.

"He's coming!"

Renei blinked. Who in bloody hell?

"Eliar, you idiot! He's coming to Manila!"

"Manila, Philippines," Eliar said, pleased. This was it. This was the country his lovely love Shari was in..

...And he was now in it.

He would have loved to kiss and worship the ground on which she stood upon, but found that too much bacteria and microscopic living organisms would infest his beautifully perfectly shaped lips.

At least, he was on the same place on the world map...

...As Shari.

"He's coming?" Renei asked, slightly dazed. She couldn't imagine that someone would go to such trouble to find her *ugh* cousin.

Shari nodded frantically. "YES! Haven't I told you?"

Renei shook her head. I can't believe the incredulity of it all...

I've gotta tell unchained and lambie.

Lambie stretched. Sitting at the computer too long made her tired. Then there was a little 'bubbling' tone from her computer. Someone had signed in MSN.

It was Unchained, her fellow writer on .


~lambie~ says:

u.n.c.h.a.i.n.e.d says:
so what's up?

~lambie~ says:

~lambie~ says:
e-mail from renei. Wonder what's happened?

u.n.c.h.a.i.n.e.d says:
hey, I got mail from her too. I'm sure it isn't anything as disgusting and as horrible as Eliar going to Manila, right…?

~lambie~ says:

are you reading what I am, unchained?

u.n.c.h.a.i.n.e.d says:
I think I am, lambie.

~lambie~ says:
it's shari, isn't it?

u.n.c.h.a.i.n.e.d says:
and eliar.

u.n.c.h.a.i.n.e.d says:
Oh My NSB.

~lambie~ says:
oh my ack.

(end MSN Conversation)

"Now, Butler, you have my consent to occupy yourself with other tasks as I, place my valuable self just right here and type with my delicate fingers an e-mail to… Shari."

He said the name as if it belonged… up there. Butler briefly wondered how Shari was doing this… how she managed to permanently glue those heart shapes in his Master Eliar's eyes…

"Yes, Master Eliar."

To: "Shari Houston" idiotic_moron14

From: "Eliar Swiftfire" eswiftfire

Dearest, sweetest Shari,

I am now in Manila. I wish to see you, my darling. Please, please tell me where to find you! I shall wait till the end of time for your reply... Provided it comes in the next minute.

I cannot say more, due to my impatience on wanting to click the 'Send' button to let you see this wonderful message of love from your beloved. Therefore, I shall stop typing now.

Hunkily loving you forevermore,

Eliar Swiftfire

"He's in Manila already!" Shari screeched, as she stood up from the chair abruptly. Renei ran out, alarmed at the noise.

"Who the hell died?" she demanded. Shari's face was getting paler and paler by the second. Was this the perfect time to tell her cousin NOT to toss her spewed cookies on her PC?

Shari turned to face her cousin. "Eliar. He's. In. Manila. Like, now."

"Don't bloody faint on me. So?" Renei stared at Shari's fast-becoming-blue face. Puke alert! Puke alert! Puke alert!

"Bleaaaaaaaaargh!" Shari's masticated dinner filled the floor.

"Aa, I wonder when dear Shari would reply..." Eliar sat in front of the laptop, drumming his fingers on the table.

Then, at last, after approximately a minute of waiting, she did.

To: "Eliar Swiftfire" eswiftfire
From: "Shari Houston" idiotic_moron14

Dearest Eliar,

I am going to the hotel now. Sorry for the late reply. By my calculations, I am late by 12.3456543 seconds. I am so sorry, baby. My hands were shaking too much from the excitement and the sheer prospect of you arriving in Manila. I shall be waiting at the lobby in about 1 and a half hours time. See you then, my love.

Everlastingly yours,


"YEEEEEES!" Eliar jumped up from the chair, knocking it over, and making it crash into a lamp, which hit the glass coffee table, causing glass shards to scatter on the carpeted floor.

"I've got to comb my hair, gel it, make it more spiky..." Eliar muttered, ignoring the mess he caused, and entering the bathroom.

"Where is my gel?! BUTLER!" he yelled. Then he realized the butler was not in. "BUTLER! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" and more cries of anguish were heard.

"You know, you don't have to get so worked up. He's in Manila, you're in Manila. It isn't as if you guys are miles apart..." Renei grumbled, leaning against the doorjamb of the toilet, watching Shari do her hair.

Shari gave a disgruntled click of her tongue before retorting, "I am just happy, okay?"

"Yeah. Right. Which hotel is it anyway?"

"The Mandarin Oriental."

"WHAT?! That costs, like, USD$205 per night! It's a FIVE-STAR HOTEL!" Renei freaked out. That guy's filthy rich, ain't he?

"He can afford it," Shari smirked. "So shut up."

Renei was pissed. "...Whatever. I'll use the computer."

"NO! What if he replies?" Shari turned around in one swift motion, causing all the hairclips to fall out of her hair.

"LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE!" Shari wailed.

Renei shrugged, turned her back to Shari, and gave the biggest grin she had ever given in her life. "It'll just be fifteen minutes..."

"I am going to charge you for that!"

"For what? The hair or the computer?"


"Stop shouting. It's my computer. So shut up and do your hair."


Renei ignored Shari's rambling and walked out of the toilet into the living room.

Oh? New mail... Lambie and Unchained?

From: "Lambie" lamb3008

To: "Renei" dratted_imbecile


Okay... So what's going to happen? Need my help? I can always walk to Manila or something... Hehehe. Maybe not. Just being nosey, though. Fill me in on the details soon, and I think I'm not the only one who's interested in the epic romance of Shari and Eliar...

Shitsurei shimasu.


From: "Unchained" salvation37
To: "Renei" dratted_imbecile


So I've heard the, uh *cough* news... You know how Shari's always threatening us with desert eagles and piranhas? Won't that pose as a threat to Eliar's multi-million dollar life? Do you think we better start praying for him? *maybe not*

Anyway, don't forget to, ehehhee, tell me everything, the whole thing *snicker* or something….

I can't really believe that that *cough* is in Manila! I mean... For Shari... Oh my NSB. Eheheeeeh. I know I'm not the only one who's nosey here, though *cough*.



From: "Renei" dratted_imbecile
To: "Unchained" salvation37 ,"Lambie" lamb3008

Lambie, Unchained,

Actually now Shari's getting ready to meet Eliar at a 5-star hotel - The Mandarin Oriental Manila. That is bloody expensive, by the way. She's getting really worked up, and very, VERY excited at the idea of meeting her 'suave and manly beloved', Eliar. She's doing her (what else?) hair in the bathroom right now, I expect it'll take her 45 more minutes. I'm being timed by her right now, if I go past 15 minutes on the PC I would have to pay her. Can you believe how utterly ridiculous this is, since it's my PC? Sheesh. Ja!

renei c",)

"Where on earth did you go just now?" Eliar's whiny voice demanded, as his butler did his spikes for him.

Butler raised his brows. Did he dare tell that he really wrote Eliar's mother to tell her that her son was being an insufferable brat?

"The bathroom, Master Eliar."

"There's one in the room, you know."

"It's your room, Master Eliar," the butler responded. Besides, if I ever went in you would shout at me.

"I am meeting… Shari… in approximately 45 minutes and I shall bring her here. You shall not be present, unless I need something, understood?"

"Yes, Master Eliar."

"Good. So clean up the place and display all my vast expanse of wealth that I have brought along."

"You mean the machines that you brought along, Master? Right down to the Swiss chocolates?"

"Of course."

"Yes, Master," said the butler, meticulously finishing doing up Eliar's hair.

"Very well. I will go downstairs to have a cappuccino at the café, so please get the room ready in 45 minutes time."

"Yes, Master. I will do it now." Butler repeated monotonously and stared back at Eliar's dinosaur-resembling head, and he briefly wondered if working for the Mafia would be safer and more humane.

And so, Eliar and… Shari's… first meeting was about to commence.

-end of Chapter 1-