I'd just like to say, this isn't an Anti-American piece, it's anti-American- government (especially the pretzel-choking-moron known as George W. "down with the environment" Bush). I am well aware that the American people and the American government are totally separate entities, I'm pretty sure you guys didn't actually elect Bush. The American government does appear to be an evil, oil crazed, greedy machine doomed to self-destruct. The American people, on the other hand, I have found to be warm, friendly, intelligent, and well aware that they have a loony in the White House.

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Inside the cabinet for war of the White House. Several politicians and army generals are seated around a round table. The politicians are deeply engrossed in their laptops, and the army generals are playing Patticake-Patticake with each other.

General Bob: (*Sings tunelessly while slapping hands with General Cleatus*) PATTICAKE-PATTICAKE BAKERS MAN, BAKE ME A CAKE AS FAST AS YOU CAN!

Politician eelskin: (*Jumps up from his laptop suddenly*) DAMN! They've found out about Enron. (*Whips out his mobile (or, cell phone, if you will) and says into it) Martha! The jig's up! They know! Quick, get the bags! No time for the kids! We're moving to Mexico! (*Runs out to the door, and remembering that he isn't alone turns around and says to the others*) Er ...I'm just going to... uh...expel urine! Yeah, that's it! Bye! (*runs out*)

The other politicians nod sympathetically and the Generals continue to play, not noticing. The "Imperial March" (Darth Vader's theme tune, for those of you poor, poor people who are not completely obsessed with Star Wars, like the rest of us) is heard faintly and then becomes louder. It reaches a pitch and George Bush strides into the room, with another General by his side. He sits down at the corner of the round table and looks around. The politicians have quickly cleared away their laptops, but the Generals continue to play, oblivious to the presence of their leader.

General Monty (the one by Bush's side): (*Clears throat*) Ahem! (*This gets no reaction, so he tries again*) AHEM! (*Still no reaction*) Oh for Gods sake...IRAQ!

The generals instantly jump up and start shouting.

General Bob: BOMB IT!

General Tom: BOMB IT!

General Greg: BOMB IT!

General Joe: BOMB IT!

General Bill: BOMB IT!

General Cleatus: PATTICAKE-PATTICAKE BAKERS MA- hey, you is stopp-ed playening!

General Monty: Good! Now that I've got your attention, this meeting is officially underway!

General Bob: (*Slowly*) Un-der-way? What means dis un-der-way?

General Monty: It means we've started.

General Bob: Oh, right, sorry.

General Monty: Okay can we get started now? Good! First of all we'll just run through the normal stuff. Taxes?

Politicians (all together): RAISE THEM!

General Monty: Spending on education?

Politicians: CUT IT!

General Monty: Spending on foreign aid?

Politicians: CUT IT!

General Monty: Politicians salaries?

Politicians: RAISE THEM!

General Monty: Spending on weapons of mass destruction?

Politicians: Weapons of mass destruction? GET RID OF THEM!

General Monty: No, OUR weapons of mass destruction, not Saddams.

Politicians: Oh, RAISE IT!

General Monty: Spending on pensions and general care for old people?

Politician peter piper picked a pack of pickled peppers but how many packs of pickled peppers did peter piper pick?: We still have old people? (*To Army Generals*) I thought we told you to have all them shot?

General Monty: Actually we couldn't. People got very upset when we killed everyone in that old folk's home in New Jersey. We eventually managed to convince them it was just another stressed out school kid with a gun, but it was close.

Politician Peter piper picked a pack of pickled peppers but how many packs of pickled peppers did Peter piper pick?: Really? Well dang! CUT IT!

General Monty: Spending on education?

Politician Shawshank: Education? The American people don't need education! Everyone knows that Americans are very smart! We're very well known for our intelligence!

General Monty: Actually people think we're quite stu-...er...never mind.

Politicians: CUT IT!

General Monty: Spending on social welfare, and helping the poor and the homeless?

Politicians: CUT IT!

General Monty: And spending on the general improvement of the world?


General Monty: SHUT UP! We'll cut that. Now that leaves a lot of money left over, so I'll just take your Swiss bank account numbers, and we'll make it all "disappear". Okay, now on to our real business, IRAQ!

All the Generals: (*Leap up and start chanting*) BOMB IT! BOMB IT! BOMB IT! BOMB IT! BOMB IT!

General Monty: All right! All right! Calm down! We will! But first of all we need a really good excuse! Any ideas?

General Bob: is harbouring terrorists?

General Monty: Nope, we've used that one already in Afghanistan. We need something original!

General Phyton: They have weapons of mass destruction!

General Monty: Well, that's what we're going with right now, but the UN is on to us. They've sent in inspectors, and they haven't found anything. Anyway, WE have more weapons then Saddam has!

General Cleatus: (*With a strong hillbilly accent*) Well hows about we says that theys gone and stolen one of our pigs!

General Monty: Eh...no...no, that's NOT really what we're looking for. We want a really GOOD excuse to go to war!

Bush: WAR! Dhen I get to push da big button!

General Monty: (*Slowly, as if he was talking to a child*) Yes Mr. President, when we go to war you get to push the big button.

Bush: Da big RED button!

General Monty: Yes, it IS a big red button! Good boy, Mr. President! And what's written on the big red button?

Bush: Er...

General Monty: Come on now, think.

Bush: Er...

General Monty: Come on, it's... Nuuu-?

Bush: Nuuuuu-... Er...

General Monty: -kkkkk?

Bush: (*getting very excited, he starts to jump up and down in his chair*) Oh! Nuuukkkeeee! Nuke! YAY!

General Monty: Good boy! And what else? Nuke what?

Bush: Er...America?

General Monty: No! Oh, you always get that bit wrong! WE are America! We don't want to nuke America! Now where do we want to nuke?

Bush: Er...not America?

General Monty: WELL DONE MR. PRESIDENT! That's right! We want to nuke everywhere else APART from America! Here, have a lolly! (*Hands him a red lollypop*)

Bush: YAY! (*Grabs it and stuffs it in his mouth*)

General Monty: Oh for Gods sake! George! What did your Mammy tell you to do before eating food?

Bush: Er...always brush teeth?

General Monty: No, no, that's after. What do you do BEFORE?

Bush: Er...wash all the poop off my hands? (*Looks down at hands*)...Opps! Forgot!

General Monty: No, I didn't mean th- (*Pauses to consider what has just been said*)...(*Shudders*) Urgh... No, I meant that she tells you to always take off the wrapper first! Now, what have we forgotten to do?

Bush: (*Wiping hands on his shirt*) NOTHING! See? All clean now? (*Shows his hands to Monty*)

General Monty: No Mr. President! You forgot to take the wrapper off your lolly, didn't you?

Bush: Oh...(*Looks at his lolly*)...awwwww, I do wrong!

General Monty: Yes, it's just like that whole Kyoto environmental agreement thing all over again, isn't it? (*Looks back to the generals again*) Okay men! We need an excuse, and we need it now!

General Phyton: How about if we say their communists?

General Monty: No, that crap might have worked in Nam, but not here.

General Bob: How about we say dhat dheys been looking at us in a funny way?

General Monty: No, we used that one a long time ago. You know, to justify the mass genocide of the Native Americans. People didn't care back then, but now an eyebrow or two might be raised.

General Phyton: Why don't we tell them the truth?

General Monty: What? Go out and say to everybody "Yes, we're going to invade Iraq because we're evil, money-crazed bastards out in search of cheap oil?"

General Cleatus: I think we should ask that fella in the funny clothes!

General Monty: Now there's an idea! Lets ask our ally and good friend, the ambassador from Saudi Arabia! AHEMED! Will you come here for a moment?

Ahemed: (*On the phone*) No Oshama, they don't suspect a thing! Just stay where you are, and plan your next attack! ... Of course, we'll have the guns and airline tickets ready...(*Realises that Monty wants him*) OH! I'm very sorry, but I have to go! Yes, yes, I'm sure! Okay now, goodbye...er...mother! Yes, bye bye! (*puts down the phone and turns to the generals*) Now my good friends and allies! How can I possibly help you? More oil?

General Monty: Ah, no, thank you. You see our problem is...actually, now that you mention it we could do with some more...no, never mind, now's not the time! We were wondering if you could help us think up an excuse for attacking Iraq?

Ahemed: You need an excuse? You don't normally bother with an excuse.

General Monty: Yes well, we've been getting a lot of bad press recently, what with us doing everything in our power to further global warming and the ultimate destruction of all life on this planet, we just thought we'd better get an excuse this time around.

Ahemed: Hmm, how about...he is plotting to invade?

General Monty: That's good! But invade where? Iran?

Ahemed: Oh, it doesn't really matter. When the press ask just be very vague, and say you can't reveal any more because it would be a security risk.

General Monty: That's perfect! Ahemed you are a genius!

Ahemed: Yeah that's what they told me after September 11th. I mean, to get those knives on board was pretty tricky but I...em...have said too much.

General Monty: (*Doesn't notice*) Right! Now we have an excuse! Let's start the planning! First of all we'll have to find it on the map.

He takes out a map and unfolds it across the table. All the generals' crowd around and they all start searching the map trying to find Iraq. This search continues for several minutes.

General Cleatus: I thinks I's found it! Looky here! (*Points to the map*)

General Monty: No, that's the Atlantic Ocean. Close, but no illegally imported just for me, Cuban cigar.

General Bob: Well I hasn't found Iraq, but I have found (*reads slowly*) Bin...Lad-ens...se-cret...hid-ing...place. Looky, it's marked here in pencil!

Ahemed: (*Rushes over*) Oh dear! This is my map I am afraid! And, very inaccurate if I may say! I'll just take it away from you (*Hurriedly bundles it up*)

General Monty: Hey! This is a map of Washington! And Bin Ladens base is marked in the White House!

Ahemed: Er, this is just...er...little joke that my young children be playing on me, oh hahaha! How they joke my little children! I must be going now!

General Monty: I didn't know you had children! You aren't married.


General Monty: (*Staring out the door after him*) .Strange guy. (*Turning back to the others*) Okay! We have to find this place! And then- oh what is it? (*Looks down to see Bush tugging at his sleeve*).

Bush: I wanna go potty!

General Monty: I'm a bit busy right now Mr. President, can it wait?

Bush: Why? Whatcha doin'?

General Monty: We're planning the attack on Iraq.


General Monty: Yes, and then you get to push the button. Now, why don't you go over to the corner and look at your picture book while the big white boys talk?

Bush: YAY! PICTURES! (*Runs over to the corner*).

General Monty: Well then, back to business. Has anyone got a map so we can find this dang place?

Ahemed walks back in, carrying a new map, and is quickly scribbling something on it with his pen.

Ahemed: I have a map here for you sahib! Just give me one ! (*Places the map on the table*) Here is a new, up to date map of the Iraq area.

General Monty: Ahemed, you are a true friend to America, thank you. Now, let's find Iraq! (*huddles back over the map*)

Ahemed: Actually, you will find that Iraq is marked clearly for your convenience. You see, it's right there (*Points to a spot on the map*).

General Monty: Ah, so it is. Thank you once again Ahemed.


General Monty: Oh dear. Yes Mr. President?

Bush: When I said I needed to go potty, I really meant it.

General Monty: Oh dear, do you want General Bob here to take you to the potty?

Bush: (*Happily*) NOPE! Too late!

General Monty: Oh ...er, will someone clean that up? How about one of you politicians? You handle dirty money all the time, a dirty president shouldn't be too much different. You've just had Clinton after all.

Politician Slimyscoundral: Well, since we live in a democracy we should do this democratically! Will everybody that wants Politician Shawshank to clean up the president's mess please raise their hand now?

All hands in the room are raised, apart from those of Politician Shawshank and General Bob, who is a bit slow and still trying to play Patticake with General Cleatus.

Politician Shawshank: Ah nuts! Democracy blows! (*Leads Bush out of the room*).

General Monty: Okay, now back to Iraq!

General Bob: Huh huh huh, back to Iraq! That rhymes! Rhyming funny! I laugh at da funny thing, huh huh huh!

General Monty: Oh shut up! Now, we need to choose specific military targets for attack! Now, if only we could find his weapons of mass destruction!

General Phyton: Hang on, how do we know he has these weapons? The UN inspectors haven't found anything!

General Monty: We know because we gave them to him! Where do you think every advanced weapon in the Middle East came from? US! EUROPE! RUSSIA! WE GAVE THEM EVERY MISSILE THEY'RE POINTING AT US!

General Phyton: Er, WHY did we give them all these weapons?

General Monty: To use on EACH OTHER! Instead they're pointing them at US! Some people are so ungrateful!

General Phyton: And why did we give them weapons of unimaginable power and destruction to use on each other?

General Monty: So we could get better prices on oil! Duh!

General Phyton: ...Oh, well THAT'S all right then! Once we get cheap oil, or some other small thing to benefit the American economy, everything's just peachy!

General Monty: (*Oblivious to sarcasm*) Good, I'm glad you're thinking straight! You've been full of all crazy ideas ever since you became a general! All that talk of stopping the presidents policy of taking away money from education, and other such wasteful things and diverting it to the pentagon! Honestly! We were starting to think you'd lost the plot completely!

Ahemed: Er, I am very sorry to interrupt, most wise of sahibs, but it might be wise to resume plotting the destruction on the most evilest of evils.

General Monty: Fresh air and a clean environment?

Ahemed: Er, no, I was referring to-

General Bob: The Green Party? The Democrats? Bill Clinton?

Politician Slimyscoundral: An efficient social welfare scheme and a proper justice system where you can't buy your innocence?

Ahemed: NO! I meant Saddam Hussein!

General Monty: Oh...you shoulda said.

Ahemed: If I might draw your attention back to the map, you will see that I have marked out where Saddams main weapon storage areas are.

General Monty: Wow, how do you know where they all are? Our intelligence hasn't come up with anything!

Ahemed: (*Mumbles*) well your intelligence isn't that great. Your generals don't like to hear words over two syllables because it makes their heads hurt, and your president? Not much intelligence there either.

General Monty: Ahemed?

Ahemed: (*Loudly*) Oh, er...it's a magical trick all we towel heads, as you like to call us, can do. You know, like snake charming and sleeping on beds of nails.

General Monty: Oh, right. Okay, so, lets look here at the first Target. Baghdad. Why's Baghdad written in in pen?

Ahemed: Well, you see it is an Arab map, so naturally I would have to translate all the place names for you, so I wrote them there in pen for your convenience.

General Monty: Wow, thanks.

Ahemed: No problem was it my most esteemed of friends.

General Bob: Er...what he say?

General Phyton: He says it's no problem.

General Bob: Oh, right.

General Monty: So, target number one is Baghdad! Anyone ever heard of it before?

General Bob: Nope.

General Tom: Nope

General Joe: Nope

General Cleatus: Naw, I don't reckon I has.

General Phyton: Er...isn't it the capital?

Ahemed: Why yes! Well done my most friendly of friends! It is, I am very impressed! Before I came here, I had been told that the American government "Could not find it's own rear end using both hands and a map!"...(*Quickly, before anyone realises what has been said he ads*) Which I of course now see is completely wrong!

General Phyton: (*Looking at the map*) Ahemed? What is the Arabic pronunciation of Baghdad?

Ahemed: er...Ajerbejian, why?

General Phyton: Because it's spelt W-A-S-H-I-N-G-T-O-N on this map. That isn't Arabic is it? Arabic is written as little squiggles.

Ahemed: (*Mumbles*) Uh oh, this one is not quite as slow as normal. He must be removed. (*Yells*) MY ARABIC TOWEL-HEAD 6TH SENSE IS TELLING ME SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT!...(*Starts to rub his temples while mumbling something inaudible before jumping up, pointing to General Phyton and shouting*) HE IS A COMMUNIST!

Upon hearing everyone in the room jumps up and starts yelling. Military police quickly run in and grab General Phyton, dragging him out the door before he can say anything apart from-

General Phyton: HUH?

Once he has been removed everybody sits down, looking relieved.

General Monty: Well, we're very lucky you knew about that Ahemed, he was a huge security breach! Imagine what would have happened if the 'ole USSR had gotten hold of our plans? We'd be sunk!

Ahemed: The USSR? Oh Allah! These people could not even run a race, never mind a whole country!

General Monty: Hmm, I shoulda known he was a commi anyway! All that talk about redistributing some of the wealth to the poor! As if the top 5-10 percent of the people shouldn't own around 30% of the wealth! Crazy talk! Anyway, back to the plans!

Bush runs back in with Politician Shawshank lurking behind him, scowling.

Bush: YAY! I'M BACK! Can I push da button now?

General Monty: No, not yet, but soon!


General Monty: Yes Mr. President, I know. But first of all we have find out where to aim the missiles that go boom. Now go and play with your rattle. (*Hands bush an oil-drum shaped rattle*).


General Monty: Okay, and the other places that our great friend has marked out for us to attack are Jalalibad, Ugernbad, Veryverybad...or, as they are in Arabic, New York, Detroit, and Los Anglos. There's plenty of others too, but I haven't got the time to read them all... hmm, funny that, I never noticed before, but Iraq and America are sorta the same shape. AND they're both squeezed between the Atlantic and Pacific oceans!

Ahemed: (*Nervously*) Oh yes! Very well known fact! That is where Iraq is all right!

General Monty: Now Ahemed, I think you should be told our strategy here. I know that you guys in the Middle East are all moderates-

Ahemed: Really? What Middle East are you talking about?

General Monty: -but with Saddam, we're going to have to take a pretty hard line.

Ahemed: Really? Well that is unusual for the American government!

General Monty: Yes, our great leaders-

Ahemed: George Bush and the cabinet?

General Monty: No, the heads of all the big corporate companies- they have decided that they have found the final solution to all the trouble in the Middle East.

Ahemed: And what is that?

General Monty: We're going to blow it all up. ALL of it.

Ahemed: Killing how many innocent people?

General Monty: Oh, millions. We did it at Hiroshima and Nagasaki and no- one kicked up too much of a fuss, so we've decided to try it again. That, and we've promised the Russians we'll get rid of all our nukes, and we really hate to see anything go to waste, so we thought we might as well use them!

Ahemed: I see... and you have just got the co-ordinates from my map?

General Monty: Yep!

Ahemed: Oh dear, this is most sad. (*Choking up with laughter*) How foolish I must be! (*Regains control over his facial expression*) And when will the missiles be ready to launch?

General Monty: Well, in exactly one hour...and a bit.

Ahemed: Oh dear...Well, I must now be leaving to...er...mourn. Yes...on an far from ! (*Runs out the door*).

General Monty: What a nice guy! (*turns back to the others*) All right everyone! Let's get this info to the Pentagon! We want to completely carpet this place with Nukes!


Exactly one hour... and a bit, later, at a podium in the White House the President is addressing the press.


However, what actually comes out over the loudspeaker is-

Bush: We have warned Saddam again and again, but he has ignored us! He has ignored the UN weapons inspectors, and deceived them! They haven't found any weapons because he has hidden them! So, we have taken to this FINAL SOLUTION! We have decided that it is in the best interests of America and her allies that these pointless conflicts must be ended, so we are forced into firing these missiles at Iraq!... and the rest of the Middle East!

He steps down from the podium and walks over to a box, which is covered by a cloth. General Monty is standing beside it, and as Bush approaches he pulls off the cloth to reveal-

Bush: THE BUTTON! YAYYYYYY! (*Runs over and presses it eagerly...after a couple of misses he finally hits it*).

There is a deafening boom, and from behind the White House dozens of missiles shoot into the sky and head towards the co-ordinates programmed in from Ahemeds map. The TV cameras watch as the missiles soar up into the sky...and slowly turn around, and head back down...

General Monty: oh fuc-

Meanwhile, on an aeroplane above the Atlantic, Ahemed looks out of his window as the mushroom clouds start to rise. He leans back in his chair. And chuckles.

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"The Human brain. It is so intelligent, it can build a nuclear missile which can be launched from an underwater submarine, travel half way around the world and strike at a city (to the accuracy of 1 metre squared), totally levelling it, killing everyone within miles, and making the area uninhabitable for generations...and then is so stupid that it does." - Martin Turner, Irish political (and satirical) cartoonist.