When I Grow Up

by Megan Auffart

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When I first wrote this, it amused the hell out of me, so I decided to post it on to see if anyone else gets a morbid enjoyment out of this. Have fun and REVIEW!
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When I grow up, I want to be a fireman.

I'll be a good fireman, even though I have a vagina and so can't really be a proper man, but I can try! Because I'll have a hose and be able to put out fires! And then, when no one's looking, I'll spray the passing pedestrians and laugh as they struggle to escape the force of the water!

When I grow up, I want to wear a cute little red hat and boots and big protective overalls! And I want to ride in a big red truck and make the siren go when everyone is asleep so they'll have to wake up because of me! And then I want to sick the dalmatians on everyone who was ever mean to me in high school! Because that's what firemen do!

Firemen get to save lives and help the helpless which is a good way to make money, because grateful people are the most generous with their wallets, especially when they're trapped in a burning house with you as their only hope and you're blocking their way to freedom. You always hear about crooked cops, but you never hear about crooked firemen! And you know why? Because people don't think you're dangerous if you're carrying a hose instead of a gun. ...Except for maybe those civil rights people in the 60s that I've seen pictures of. They probably remember the bruises. But no one else!

So that's why I want to be a fireman! Screw the diploma! Bring on the flames!

I can't wait until I'm a grown up!

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Oh. Shit. I already am.

Maybe I could be a pimp?