I was patrolling the mall, of course, that's what a security guard does. At least, a security guard at the mall. Anyway, today was my first on the job, and I had to make a good impression on the big guys upstairs.

Here they come!

I hiked up my pants and adjusted my belt, jingling the keys on the side. Ah, what a content sound; the jingling of keys on a belt. A security guard belt. Oh yeah. Of course the big guys took note of my appearance and tipped their hats at me. I tipped mine back with as much authority as any of them, and gave my jauntiest smile to the security guard with the most badges. What a show!

After those men strolled on by, I stepped into a clothes store to check the perimeters. All clear, it was. I had to check with my flashlight behind the counters, though, just to make sure. I think I blinded one of those sales ladies, serves her right. She won't be staring into any more flashlights any time soon! What a good deed.

Passing through the food court, I leaned against one wall with my left foot set casually on it. Yes, people stared in awe, but they would have to go through as much trouble as I had to, to be a security guard as I am!

But... what is this? A man! He's looking shifty-eyed and unsure of his surroundings. I decided then to question the unsuspecting sucker.

"Hello sir, nice day!" I said.

"'Sup," the man replied, gruffly.

"Nothing much. Just, ummm... hanging out, my homie. Home boy. Yo," I grinned sheepishly.

"What do you want?" the man asked suspiciously. Crap, I think he's on to me!

"I'll be doing the questioning around here," I said with adamant force. I think that got him. Oh yeah.

"What? Why?" the man replied with gruff innocence.

"You're a suspect criminal, sir," I said calmly.

"Am not!" he objected, wide-eyed.

"Are too, loser!" I shouted.

"Go to (bleep)!" the man blurted, and made a break for the nearest mall exit. I chased him, leapt, dove, and tackled him to the ground.

There was much shuffling.

Finally, I opened the man's jacket and yanked out a gun, and, making quite a scene if there wasn't one already, which there was, I shouted, "He's got a gun! He's got a gun! Run for your lives! Away from this profane- oppressing THUG!"

At this point, the other security guards came running, and wrestled the man's gun from my hand and grabbed up the thug, tossing him out of the mall where a police car was waiting.

"Good job, son. You caught the criminal. Unfortunately, you're under arrest," the head security guard said.

I stood baffled. "But why?" I asked.

"For imitating a security guard, son. Now return your uniform to the costume shop! And gimme back my badge."

Grumbling and complaining, but following the orders reluctantly, I made note of this incident as I was climbing into a bleeping cop car.

"It takes much time for a man with many badges to discover one of them missing," I said to myself. "But it takes one smegging fool to think he can get away with impersonation when there are only four security guards in the whole place."