A Bob Story

By Kokeshi088

Author's Note: This is a VERY weird story. Anyways, thanks, and Read and Review! Also, and UPDATE Here!

Once there was a guy named Bob. Bob wasn't your ordinary guy, though. Bob's real name was Bob A. Schmeiller. His Great, great Grandfather emigrated from Germany to America on a ship in the 1800s. But enough about Bob's Grandpa, and more about Bob.

Bob was a man. He had black hair combed to the side of his head, as he was balding at the time. He wore striped pants and a checkered shirt with white suspenders. (Ooh, scary fashion technique.) Bob sometimes wore a blue tie, but that was when he went to work. And to top it off, Bob had a horrible secret…

Well, last Friday, Bob was reading the Monday Journal, laughing at the comics and reading about stock market prices. In the very corner of the paper was an advertisement for men.

Are you getting bald? Is your head balding? Do you suffer from flatulence problems? If so, then come buy the Hair Flair Flatulence-inducing Shampoo! It keeps your head from balding, grows new hair, and helps your flatulence problems! Buy today for only $13.99!

Bob was intrigued. He wanted hair! But he didn't have flatulence problems. Oh, well, who cares anyways?

Bob ran over to the hair salon and asked for the shampoo. "Hello there, mister, my name is Shady-Olga Chelsea Katz. But please call me Sock. Welcome to the hair salon." Said a lady named Sock. Sock was overweight and had a gravelly monotone voice. Sock also had a horrible secret.

Bob looked at her. "Do you sell Hair Flair Flatulence-inducing Shampoo?" Sock nodded and gave Bob a bottle.

Bob ran home and washed his hair with the shampoo. It smelled of… well, somebody farting. And when he rubbed it in his hair, it made a "poot" sound. Bob was very disgusted. After the shower, Bob farted.

Now, every two seconds he would fart and every hour he would let out an occasional 'big one'. This made things worse instead of better.

Bob's hair, though, is quite normal. He looks ten years younger! But, he farts a lot. It was very annoying.

All day it was "Hi Jill!" (poooot) or "Hi Cathy!" (POOOOOOOT) or "Hey! Dan, my man! Hello!" (POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT). This has gotten VERY annoying for Bob.

So, on Sunday, Bob went to a cave. In the cave lived THE EVIL FLYING FRYING PAN OF EVILNESS AND UNDERESTIMATED DOOM. But his name is too long, so everyone calls him EVIL FRUITCAKE WHO EATS SPOONS. But that was still too long, so they called him SPOOL OF EVIL THREAD. But, still, his name was too long. So they called him FRED.

Bob decided to go visit FRED. Well, FRED was a floating sphere of evilness, A.K.A. a beach ball filled with helium. Bob asked FRED, "I fart too much! Make me stop!" (POOOOOOOT). FRED looked at Bob and grew eyeballs. He spoke with his amazing air-headed telepathic powers. You fart too much? I see. Tell the world your horrible secret, and you will never fart again. Bob bowed to the floating ball. "Thank you, oh great Beach ball of DOOM." My name is FRED.

Bob decided to tell the world his horrible secret. So on Monday, after reading the Friday Journal, Bob stood at a platform in front of Big Mac's Pizza Place. "Ladies and Gentlemen," (POOOOOT) announced Bob to a crowd of empty chairs. "I have a horrible secret to share!" (POOOOOOOOOT) The chairs remained silent. "I am afraid of chalkboards, and I don't know what the word 'flatulence' means!" Suddenly, Bob turned into a cheesecake and flew away. He never farted again.


A/N: There will be a chapter 2, I guess. Maybe not.