Everything Happens to Me
Hi I'm Benji, but you can call me Bnj, since most of my friends do. I guess that I'm just your average, run-of the mill, punked-out teenager, right down to the rod in my chin and my green spiked hair. Set back and put your dogs up as I drag you through the day that changed my life.
My day started out at about 5:00 in the morning, when I rolled out of my bed after being wakened from my distressed slumber by listening to Green Days "Jaded." You know, "Somebody keep my balance, I think I'm falling off." See, I told you ya knew it. Well, after that I drug my lazy bum to the shower, which never fails to tick me off majorly before I head to school, and that's where it all started.
After taking my five-minute shower, I turned off the water and proceeded to step out of the shower, but did I make it out of the shower? No! I fell and hit my head. My whole life flashed before me, and before I knew it, I blacked out!
I remember my mum, shaking me violently and yelling. "Oh Benjamin! My precious baby boy! Wake up!" to which I replied, "Sheeish Woman! You're shaking me senseless!" Then all of a sudden, like a sack of bricks it hit me. This WAS NOT my mum!
"Oh, HONEY! Im so glad youre okay. Now get ready and come downstairs to eat your breakfast; then I'll take you to school," the strange child-abuser, with something strangely similar to puke spread over her face, said.
"Yeah. Whatever." I replied steadying myself by placing my hands on the sink.
After the alien child-abuser left, I glanced into the mirror. I about had a heart attack. Do you remember my green spikes and pierced chin that inhabited my seventeen-year-old body? Yeah, well, now in place of my beloved green spikes was a crew cut! The military hair cut the pencil protecting wearing geeks wore. On my head! I, Benji, Bnj, had a geek cut.
I heard the strange alien child-abuser yelling for me to come eat breakfast, so I decided to leave the hair incident in the bathroom.
I ignored all the misplaced items in my room and opened my closet door. My head began to float, like when youre not getting enough oxygen to your noodle or youre completely wasted.
I searched through the well-organized closet for something that even slightly resembled anything I normally wore, a Good Charlotte T-shirt, my cargo pants, for Heavens sake, my own socks, and after no luck, I closed the closet door, because I was becoming deeply depressed, like when you realized that you just missed Papa Roachs "Last Resort" video on MTV. Being as how I was so depressed, I decided to set on my bed for a while. Just as I was setting down, I saw him.
I cant really describe him, but Ill try. On the foot of my bed, there was this little hybrid looking thing with green skin and big pointy ears. Out of his ears grew purple hair, which was quite repulsive, because it reminded me of my grandma Bertha, but thats another story. Then all of a sudden, this thing on the end of my bed spoke.
"Master Benji, sir, Good Morning, Master Benji, sir."
"What? Who in the Hell are you, and what the freak fudge factory am I doing here?"
"Master Benji, sir, forgive my rudeness, Master Benji, sir. I am Philepo. I come from the fifth galaxy Xenxoh. I have come to help Master Benji learn the error of his ways, Master Benji, sir."
"Dude, you better put me back in my body, like in two seconds before I go mental on your arse!"
"Master Benji, sir, I cant, sir. Only Master Benji, sir, can put himself back in his body, sir. That is if he follows Philepos instructions, Master Benji, sir."
"What instructions?! Tell me how to get my body back! If my friends see me in those," I screeched pointing to the Argoyle sweater, socks, Levis and penny loafers hanging over a chair at the other end of the room, "Ill be the laughing stock of the whole school!"
"Exactly, Master Benji, sir. Master Benji, sir, has often picked on those lower than him, sir, now he must spend a day as someone not of his time or social order, Master Benji, sir."
"Wait a minute! Is that what all this is about?! Me and my friends teased some nerds and now I'm stuck as one! That doesn't seem really fair to me!"
"Mater Benji, sir, life isnt fair, sir. Master Benji, sir, in order to come back to your body in your time, sir, you must experience the life of someone lower than you, sir, and help them, Master Benji, sir."
"What do you mean help them? Like do their homework, sit with them at lunch, take up for them?"
"Master Benji, sir, exactly, sir." After Philepo finished, he disappeared with a pop, leaving me to sort out this whole mess by myself, which really sucked a shoe, if ya know what I mean!
Realizing how hungry I actually was, I put on the repulsive clothes, that Ive already mentioned, and headed downstairs to eat breakfast, because the one thing I knew was always the same no matter what was breakfast, a soft shell taco sandwich with peanut butter and jelly since I was five.
When I went downstairs, it was like stepping into the house of Beaver Cleaver. In place of the child-abusing alien I had encountered earlier was now a June Cleaver looking woman in a floral pattern dress sitting across from a man that looked exactly like Ward Cleaver!
"Hello, Son!" the Ward Cleaver look-a-like greeted, just a little too peppy for my liking.
"Sit down, Sleepy Head. Now eat your breakfast. Youre a growing boy! You need your vitamins." my supposed "mum" chirped.
"Now, I know, Im definitely not in San Diego any more." I replied, because as you can guess, I wasnt exactly comfortable being dropped in the middle of the 1950's.
Obeying what she said, I took the chair in between my "mum" and Cleaver, being that it was the only seat opened, so it had to be mine. What happened next almost made me want to puke.
My "mum" sat a plate full of eggs, bacon, toast, and sausage in front of me. Clearly, she forgot I had become a vegetarian after watching "Hannibal."
"Um, Mum, did you forget Im a vegetarian?"
"Now, Son, dont give your mother such rubbish. Eat your breakfast." Cleaver said a tad-bit forcefully.
Since Cleaver sounded pretty stern, I decided to eat what I know didnt come from something having blood in it at one time or another, which translates into, I ate my toast.
After breakfast, "Mum" grabbed her keys and ushered me out the door.
"Hurry up, Honey. You dont want to be late for school."
"No, heaven forbid if I dont let the system pound senseless bull"
"BENJAMIN MARTIN! Mind your tongue! I wont have my son cursing like a sailor!" she screamed all in one breath, which shocked me, coming from such a small woman.
I quickly apologized and got in the car, which led to an uneventful ride about five blocks up from the "Cleaver" residence, to what I presumed, to George Washington High School, my school.
Mum insisted on watching me until I got inside the building, which I though was strikingly odd since I was seventeen. After she saw I was safe inside the school, she finally pulled away, allowing the buses she had been blocking to pull in.
Once inside the building, I took a deep breath and walked up a flight of stairs. That's when I heard my name.
"Well, well, well. If it isnt Lil` Ben Martin, the teachers pet?" a rather beefy looking guy drawled, while, what I presumed to be his goons, grunted a low laugh.
"Who are you?" I questioned, because it was obvious he knew a lot about me, but I knew nothing about him.
"Very funny, Bennie Boy, but now, Im afraid the fun is over." The guy continued.
"Well, it's been lovely chatting with you, but if you don't mind, I think I'll be leaving now." I said as I tried to leave. However, I'd failed to notice the idiotic goons holding me back by my shoulder straps on my backpack.
"Bennie Boy, you didnt think you would get away without paying, did you?"
"Paying for what? Your lobotomy?" Of course this comment left the Idiotic Clown Posse (ICP) scratching their heads, and believe me, I was quite thankful for it too! I left as fast as my little scrawny legs would carry me. Thats when I heard the most dreadful noise in the world.
"Benjamin! You forgot your glasses, Honey!" my "mum" called from the bottom of the stairs.
I quickly ran to her, trying, uselessly, to usher her out of the hallway. "Mum, what are you doing here?"
"Honey, you forgot your glasses. You know Dr. Pryaine said you have to use them to read." She concluded by handing me a pair of Chester Bennington looking glasses, black horn-rimmed frames, for those of you not fully keen on the fashions of Linkin Park.
After I shooed my "mum" away, I turned around and thats when I really got from the ICP.
I woke up in, what I presume to be, the nurses office, thats when Philepo, the little creature who got me into this whole mess, decided to show up. Again.
"Philepo, you better be praying to God that both of my arms are broke, because if they aren't, I'm going to tare you apart!"
"Master Benji, sir, there is no need to be violent, Master Benji, sir. Master Benji, sir, Philepo has come to tell Master Benji, sir, that he only has three more task left until Master Benji can go home for good, Master Benji, sir."
"What?! Why three? Im not quitting smoking or something! Why cant I just go home?!"
"Benjamin, who are you talking to?" Mrs. Thomas, or at least thats what her nametag said, ask as she entered the office.
"Uh, no one. I feel better. Can I go yet?"
"Whoa, easy Ben! You need to take some medicine for your cut, but after that you can go back to geometry."
"Okay, wheres the medicine?" I questioned more enthusiastic than ever before.
"Here," she said, handing me two small purple pills.
I put the pills in my mouth and swallowed quickly, which shocked me greatly since I normally choke on my Flintstones chewable vitamin.
After she poured the useless glass of water, seeing as I had already swallowed my pills, down the drain, Mrs. Thomas sent me off to geometry. I dont remember how I got there, but some how, I ended up in the right class.
"Mr. Martin, just in time for your oral test. Please take your seat."
Even me, incredibly dense Benji, Bnj, isnt dumb enough to argue with a geometry teacher. They can get pretty mean. So, obeying orders, I took the only open seat in the whole class, at the front of the room.
"Mr. Martin, please state the Pythagorean Theorem."
"The what?" I questioned. It had been about two years since I had geometry, and even then, I had some geek, named Jake, to do my homework.
"The Pythagorean Theorem, Mr. Martin," the wombat looking teacher repeated.
I began frantically searching my brain for anything even remotely in the ballpark of geometry. I prayed to God, for the answer to magically pop into my head, but when I really started to sweat under the collar, youll never guess who came to my rescue. Philepo.
"Master Benji, sir, A squared plus B squared equals C squared, Master Benji, sir."
His answer was better than what I had at that current moment, which was nothing, mind you, so naturally I said,
"A squared plus B squared equals C square."
"Correct, Mr. Martin," is the only thing I heard the fuzzy hair wombat teacher say before the bell rang for lunch.
I gathered my things and followed the group of my classmates down a couple of flights of stairs and into the cafeteria. I did an excellent job of avoiding the ICP if I do say so myself, and believe me, I do say so myself!
I was setting at an isolated table, toward the end of the cafeteria when my charming little friend decided to show up!
"Master Benji, sir, good afternoon, sir. Master Benji, sir, are you feeling better, Master Benji, sir?"
"Well, lets see. I woke up as Benji, I take a five-minute shower and come out as Benjamin Martin, some geek who obviously needs a life and a fashion consultant! But that's not all, is it Philepo? NO! I have to eat breakfast with the FREAKIN` CLEAVERS! I mean, you'd think that would be bad enough, but no! You wouldn't have it! I have to come to school, where I get beat up, then I have to take some freaked up oral geometry test, and the icing on the cake that is my pathetic excuse of a day is I'm talking to some THING! no one else can see! DO you think I feeling any better Philepo? HUH! DO YOU?!"
"Master Benji, sir, Philepo has come to give Master Benji his second task, Master Benji, sir."
"Since you managed to conquer the whole time travel thing, do you think you could manage to find a Valium?"
"Master Benji, sir, Master Benjis second task is a riddle, Master Benji, sir."
"I take that as a no on the Valium!" I sarcastically remarked.
"Master Benji, sir, First think of the person who lives in disguise, who deals in secrets and tells naught but lies. Next, tell me whats always the last thing to mend, the middle of middle, and end of end? And finally, give me the sound often heard during the search for a hard-to-find word. Now string them together, and answer me this, what is a creature you would be unwilling to kiss, Master Benji, sir."
"A person who lives in disguise . . . a clown? Wait! A spy! Whats the second part?"
"Master Benji, sir, the middle of middle and the end of end, Master Benji, sir."
"Skip that clue; whats the next one?"
"Master Benji, sir, the sound often made when trying to find a hard-to-find word, Master Benji, sir."
"Um . . . er . . . um . . . er. Er! ER! ER! Its ER! So I have spy and er."
"Master Benji, sir, string them together and you get a creature, sir, you would be unwilling to kiss, Master Benji, sir."
"How many chances do I get?"
"Master Benji, sir, only one, Master Benji, sir."
"Well, Philepo, youre a creature I would be unwillingly to kiss, but you just dont fit the profile. So, spy and er. Would it be a . . . a spider! Its a SPIDER!"
"Master Benji, sir, correct you are, Master Benji, sir."
Suddenly, as if a light switch was turned off, the lights began to fade. Then they started to shine once more, thats when I realized, I was back home. I hadnt been that excited since I won backstage passes at the Warped Tour.
I stood up and looked in the mirror. My beloved green hair was back! As you already know, I fell getting out of the shower. Well, naturally, I dont take a shower with my clothes on, so I was standing as clothed as the moment I was born in my bathroom. Realizing this, I got a towel from the rack next to the sink and dried off. Of course, I spiked my beloved green hair before I even thought about leaving the bathroom.
After I changed into my extremely fashionable clothes, thank God for, I noticed Philepo setting where he had been that very morning.
"Master Benji, sir, I see Sir is quite happy to be at home again, Master Benji, sir."
"Ya got that right Philepo."
"Master Benji, sir, Sir only has only to do one more thing before he stays in his own body permanently, Master Benji, sir."
"What do I have to do, Philepo? Ill do almost anything! Just dont stick me with the Cleavers again."
"Master Benji, sir, Sir must treat everyone as equals, Master Benji, sir."
"Equal? As in, all the same?"
"Master Benji, sir, Sir is correct, Master Benji, sir."
"All right. Cool beans."
"Master Benji, sir, Philepo doesnt under stand `cool beans`, Master Benji, sir."
"Ill treat everyone equal, Philepo."
Well, the minute I said that, Philepo sprung a leak! I thought I was going to have to call a plumber. Philepo started to cry his big red eyes out.
"Master Benji, sir oh thank you, Master Benji, sir! Master Benji, sir, Philepo is free, Master Benji, sir!"
"Free? Free from what?"
"Master Benji, sir, Philepo and his people are free from the Dark Lords, Venovok, slavery, Master Benji, sir! Master Benji, sir, Philepos people, the Grubby-Plank, had to show one hundred people the error of their ways and they had to agree to change, Master Benji, sir! Master Benji, sir, you are the hundredth person, Master Benji, sir."
"Oh, is that all?"
"Master Benji, sir, Philepo is always in your debt, Master Benji, sir! Master Benji, sir, if you ever need anything, anything at all, sir, please dont hesitate to ask, Master Benji, sir! Master Benji, sir, oh thank you, Master Benji, sir, thank you!"
"Well, now that you mentioned it, Philepo, theres two small things you could do for me."
"Master Benji, sir, anything, Master Benji, sir," Philepo chirped joyfully.
"Number one, NEVER! EVER! Make me live with the Cleavers!"
"Master Benji, sir, what is the second, Master Benji, sir?"
"The second, quit calling me `Master Benji`! Youre freaking me out!"
"Sir, what would Sir like Philepo to call Sir, sir?"
"Call me Bnj."
And that my friend, is the day that changed my life!