Your Horoscope According To Me

Capricorn: You'll wake up in South Africa on your birthday.

Aquarius: The stars predict you will be king of the world, but you know they're lying.

Pisces: Now is not a good time to skip work/school and go streaking.

Aries: The placement of Uranus says your anus is huge.

Taurus: You will discover a new planet but your rival who is listening in on your conversation will get all the credit.

Gemini: You will find out that vomiting on your date isn't a good way to start off your first date.

Cancer: You will be laughed at for ripping your pants on live television and it will be in the next Guinness Book of World Records for most laughs.

Leo: You'll wake up to see the moon in your backyard and then go back to sleep.

Virgo: You will go to an amusement park and get stuck on a ride for hours, and miss the bus home and be captured by Indians on the way home and then be shipped to Japan and then find $1,000,000 but will not be able to use it because you have made a great living in Japan as a slave.

Libra: You will die from lightning, but more lightning will strike in the same exact place and restart your heart.

Scorpio: You are the greatest person that ever lived.

Sagittarius: You will gain 500 pounds, then lose it all on the subway diet and then you will gain 700 pounds.