24A/N: No point to this really. Just wanted to see if someone out there has an opinion on this.
Addiction.
Morning. Sadly the only minutely appealing thing about waking up at all is the prospect of rolling out of bed and reaching for the neat, white cylinder on the table. The cigarette that has been set there the pervious night in preparation along with all the peripherals, lighter, ashtray.
Without bothering to get out of bed completely I light up and lay back, watching the white smoke furl out gracefully from the tip, highlighting the sunbeams streaming through the window. It's beautiful.
The light, buzzing feeling eliminates the dread of getting out of bed, besides now my throat feels raw and scratchy and I need a drink.
Without this routine the simple task of starting my day would be significantly less pleasant.
The next cigarette comes out of the pack [the ever present 20 of Marlborough lights] on my way to the tube station. I know exactly when to light up to make sure I finish it just as I reach my destination thus avoiding having to stand out side until I get to a millimeter from the filter tip. Because I would wait. The horrible certainty that even if the train was pulling in to the station, finishing the cigarette would be a priority is slightly unsettling.
The addiction is slightly unsettling. I tell my self I can quit, though actually trying to do so has never occurred to me. After all, why? I also know with an unshakable certainty that if I keep smoking, quitting will become nigh on impossible. [A thought springs to mind: repent! the end is extremely fucking nigh!]
'Those things will kill you'? That argument can be effectively thrawted with the good old 'I could get run over by a bus tomorrow' [I hope not. If you have to be run over by something I'd rather it not be part of LT. I hate LT. LT must die. As you can see, I have more than one issue.]
Yes, I am aware that I am causing damage to my self. Interestingly enough it's almost like diet SI. Instead of cutting in to my arm with a razor blade I can sit in front of a screen and chain-smoke knowing that I am making myself sick and lethargic not to mention the prospect of more permanent damage looming on the horizon like a dark cloud. Surely I can't mean to kill myself? There are better ways after all..[ones that wouldn't cost 4.50 a day, too I'll bet] but what other explanation can I give for my complete disregard of the warning on the package? Disregard my be the wrong word. It implies that had circumstances been less pressing I would acknowledge it and that I do care, but ultimately that's not the case.
All I care about is that pleasant nausea I get with every inhale. The slight buzz, and the little white stick that occupies my restless, twitchy fingers.
Does smoking contribute anything to my life? No. It often has the opposite effect but never that. Perhaps it gives me a sense of purpose in those fleeting minutes of each day where I would have nothing to do otherwise. Sipping a cup of coffee leaves an empty feeling unless accompanied by a cigarette. Surely such a distraction could be sought by other means... After all why not take up knitting instead? Trying to analyze my addiction from an objective point of view is inherently flawed. After all I am a smoker and there for biased. The same could be said for non smokers and quitters attempting to do such a thing, but at least the latter would have the experience of smoking while the former is more likely to preach gory medical statistics that are the result, not the problem to try and dissuade us poor misguided individuals. [Yes, I realize that was a sweeping generalization.]
Perhaps my brain has been so corrupted by nicotine that this analysis is completely invalid. After all, based on the simple facts, anyone who smokes has all the self preservation instincts of a depressed lemming. Doesn't smoking contradict the theory of evolution? I mean we shy away form a hot object even if it isn't an immediate threat, and would certainly not be inclined to touch it without good reason... The parallel I'm attempting to draw is somewhat abstract of course, but still the principle is the same. cigarette and fire, both bad for your health? Of course many instinctual behaviors are ill equipped to deal with this era. Just another thing we have to thank modern civilization/society for, along with light bulbs and sliced bread, and such things.
So, why do I smoke?
It might as well be a rhetorical question.