37DISCLAIMER:
I think I am setting myself up for this one, but this is just the satirical viewpoint of a simple, young, female American, so take it as you will. Enjoy.
AUTHOR'S NOTE 3/3/03: To my surprise, I have received a good many reviews concerning this essay. To all those who have read or are reading this, please read the following CAREFULLY.
SATIREFunction: noun
Etymology: Middle French or Latin; Middle French, from Latin satura, satira, perhaps from (lanx) satura dish of mixed ingredients, from feminine of satur well-fed; akin to Latin satis enough
Date: 1501
1 : a literary work holding up human vices and follies to ridicule or scorn
2 : trenchant wit, irony, or sarcasm used to expose and discredit vice or folly
Let me emphasize the above point: THIS IS NOT MY REAL OPINION. I made the mistake in thinking that readers understood what exactly a satire is. I assumed wrong, and apologize to everyone who read, especially those not native to the United States, and please comprehend that this is written in a satirical format. To any who still have questions on the definition of the word satire, feel free to e-mail me, or perhaps consider going back to high-school English.
Eradicate the Unknown!
At a recent meeting of prominent politicians, President Bush was informed by several school board advisors that 60% of American teenagers cannot find Iraq on a map. Why people bother with that statistic still I'll never know, because the simple solution is painfully obvious, as it should be.
We, the American public, know the answer very well. If they can't find it, why bother remembering it? Thanks to the publicly acclaimed and republican-supported impending conflict with Iraq, soon enough it won't even be on the map.
So I, a patriotic and honorable citizen, (free of misdemeanor felonies) propose this idea: once we are rid of the people of Iraq and all those who look vaguely like them, then we can build the Superman of all countries – America 2.
It is a well-known fact that all American high-school students can find America on a map. If parents are so distressed by the fact that their children are not complete geography whiz kids, which can be easily fixed. Nationally standardized maps can be created with red, white and blue designating all of the future Americas. Iraq will be easily spotted on a world map if this is carried out.
Now critics may think that this is all just a quest for oil, and many have already marched against the government. All I see nowadays is that t-shirt "No More Blood for Oil". Now this is not only an outrageous accusation, but also inaccurate. With new advances in nuclear technology, any attacks that we launch on Iraq will leave just small piles of atomic dust. In addition, scientists are also worried about the researchers working on gasless cars losing their jobs. Yet another easy fix – once we have taken over all the major Middle-Eastern oil fields, they can all get jobs as long-distance oil truckers. It would be a plus for the government as well, because we could just cut all funding that goes towards that sort of technology.
With so much new open space to build on, new attractions to lure people overseas would be a priority. Seeing as Disneyland California has recently become so popular, why not one in America 2? Architects should be sent to the Disney headquarters to propose a new family-friendly theme park – "Disneyland Iraq: Mickey's Middle Eastern Adventure". What child wouldn't enjoy Donald, Mickey and Minnie in turbans? Not only would people come from America to visit the park, but perhaps even tourists from around the world, generating a rise in the economy of America 2.
It has also been brought to my attention that women's rights activists have been protesting the proposed shopping malls planned for America 2. Why any Muslim woman wouldn't want machine-tailored clothes from American department stores is a mystery, but don't worry too much about revealing clothing – fashion experts from Paris tell me that burkhas will make an appearance onto the catwalks sometime in 2020.
I am very aware that Muslims are a very conservative race, and a McDonalds may not be very appealing to the general population. Since America 2 would not be fit to bear the title America without the golden arches, McDonalds could very easily develop a new "Muslim food line", complete authentically produced Middle-Eastern food, and happy-meal toy barbies wearing painted-on burkhas. Very tasteful, and it provides jobs worth their weight in gold to the unwashed masses.
A public school system could be set up, completely the same as that in the original America. The only difference would be that instead of ten minutes spent singing the star-spangled-banner every morning, twenty minutes would be more fitting, seeing as every patriotic citizen should know it word-for-word, regardless of their mother tongue.
The benefits to my proposal are innumerable: more land, more oil, another Disneyland, and a map that is easier to understand. If this proposal is as successful as I predict it will be, who knows? Perhaps next, we'll conquer an America 3. The world can become the land of the free, home of the brave. God Bless.