Ignorance is the Key

Eric. That was his name. I remember him so much. He was my first kiss. He had brown hair, blue eyes, and big teeth. The memories I have of him were when we were in kindergarten. We used to spend every recess together, just us. He was my hero. He would save me in every game we played, he was my night in shinning armor.

Eric and I used to walk to and from lunch together holding hands. No one thought anything of that. We were in innocence. No one thought anything of my homosexuality then. It was like it didn't matter. To Eric and I, it didn't. The last time I saw him was when we were at graduation, the ceremony was our last time together. Then he moved away from Salome. And I was all alone.

The Different Child

Brian came to me in the first grade. Brian was a very different individual even as a kid. He used to get made fun of by the bigger kids on the bus. When I would ask to sit with him,(yes, I was polite at one time in my life!) he would always say no. I never understood what was behind it. Then one day I got mouthy with him and he told me what the problem was. When the kids started to make fun of him, I told them off. I even had a mouth at that age. They listened, I had kids who were bigger than them who would beat them to within an inch of their life if they messed with me. Protection is always nice.

Brian and I then spent a lot of time together. Playing games, doing whatever. We never played the hero game, that was something I would never do with Brian. My memories of that game were mine and Eric's only. No one else got those.

The things Brian and I did together were carving in the ground. We spent most of our time doing that. In fact, other then some hand holding and a few kisses, that's all we did. It bored me to death. He didn't talk much, I loved talking. Brian moved away and I was left alone, again.

The Poor Boy

Bobby. Bobby Gray. He was poor. So was I. But not as poor as he was. He wasn't even that cute. He had lots of freckles and dark hair and eyes. He dressed really weird. He smelled kind of funny too. Not like BO. I can't place the smell. Every time I think of him that is what I remember most. He was strange, not many people liked him. I know I wasn't attracted to him. But he must have been to me. He hung around me all the time. I didn't really care for it.

Though I went with it. I had dated a boy every year I had been in school, I couldn't break the record now. Stopping it in second grade would have been very sad for the shy and timid boy. Bobby's family was okay with my dad, he didn't really get along with a lot of people. Bobby more or less clung to me. What could I say? I was one cute boy. And I stuck with him. Yes I did. Until someone better came along. Someone more wild and exciting. His name was Victor. He made me vicious.

He Went Further

Victor was odd looking. He had tan skin and rather different color eyes. Almost a tawny color. It was really different. I met him in the third grade. His beauty was a kind I'd never seen before. No one in school or any other part of my life looked quite like him. He dressed in jeans with a belt and buckle, and a button up shirt, usually short sleeve, Arizona is very hot. It wasn't a cowboy way of dressing. It was more like gay dressing in a wannabe way. He was trouble.

One time he spent the night at my house. At that point in my life all I'd ever done with another boy was kiss and hold hands. Victor went further. He kissed me with out any shirts on. I'd never done that before. He also gave me my first French kiss. It was quite an experience. I don't know about anyone else at that age, but I had seen my parents and other adults kissing all the time. Kevin and I were always surrounded by adults. It seemed natural to me to do what they did.

Victor never came back to my house after that. I don't know if my dad knew, but he might of. So instead we did things together in school, in the bathrooms and behind the trees so no one would know. Bobby hung around us and was very jealous. One time we all tried French kissing one another. As mine and Victor's relationship evolved, I didn't want Bobby around. He was Victor's best friend and my ex, I was in a rock and a hard place. It came out too odd. But it ended with me moving to Bouse for my fourth grade year and I didn't see either of them for a long time, not until sixth grade. And that was just Bobby. I still don't know what happened to Victor.

The Brotehrs

During the summer I met Billy and Jeremy. Billy and Jeremy were brothers. Billy was very perverted and asked me to do all kinds of things to him when we were alone. I thought the boy was somewhat scary. He wanted to do sexual things to me all the time. At that age even I wasn't ready for that. Jeremy was more conservative, he did like me but he didn't ask things of me the way Billy did. I respected him more for it. I didn't really date either of these boys, I just fooled around with them. But Jeremy would become very important to me. He would help me figure out I was gay.

My anger at a Pervert

Thomas was the boy who raped me with my clothes on. My best friend Kristy and Kevin watched. They thought it was funny. I absolutely hated it. He would hump me all the time, more and more each time we played house. I began to dread the game. I would insist that we play something else every time it was brought up. I still have anger over those memories. That summer is on a black note because of it. I never told my mom or dad, I really don't want to deal with their reactions. I never said one word about the first time I was raped by a man either other than to ask my dad if it was taken care of. That's why I hate Thomas. He brought back too many bad memories. Knock on wood for good luck!

The Jock

At Bouse I met William. I had known him from the time I went to kindergarten there. He was very cute, even if he was very small. Small in a little body and big head way. He was extremely nice to me and even remembered me from the first semester I had spent there. It couldn't have been better.

We used to have a Power Ranger cult at that school. I was the Pink Ranger and even though William wasn't the red one, we were still a couple. William wanted me to play sports all the time. I hate sports. Basketball was his favorite. Sometimes I would play, sometimes I would cheer. He really liked it when I was his personal cheerleader.

I also spent some time at his house. He was very slow in moving in our relationship. I think by the time I moved to Quartzite we had just kissed. I had to lie and say I had a bad back in order to sleep in the same bed with him! Goddess, he was so hard to get anywhere with. The relationship broke because another older boy was interested in me and he and William made a deal to whoever won a fight got me. The other boy won. I don't even remember his name. Then I moved with Mom and Val to Quartzite.

He was Unsure

When Kevin and I moved to Quartzite with Mom and Val I was still in the fourth grade. That's where I met Adrian. He was a Mexican, with long hair in the back he wore in a ponytail. I knew he liked me the first moment I walked into the school. Sometimes he could be such a jerk about it, though! He would be all lovely dovey one day and the next totally ignore me. His friends were always nice to me. Adrian didn't even judge me badly when I had a hot pink bike.

Adrian came to my house a lot. We didn't usually stay there though. There were too many other places to explore. I loved every moment I spent with him. I never kissed him, he wasn't ready. He was barely ready for holding hands. Some boys just need time to grow up I guess.

When we were leaving Arizona for Montana I called him after watching the movie Ghost, which had made me cry when I thought of him. It angered me so much. We did the usual goodbye and then that's the last I've ever heard of him. I think of him sometimes when I go over the memories of Quartzite. Over time the pain turned bittersweet and I'm okay with that.

You're my greatest Need

We moved to Deer Lodge in Montana. It was a tiny little town, smaller than La Grande. That's where I lost my allergy to the mason season in Arizona because of the snow. It was also where I met Andrew. Andrew was very interested in me, I not as much into him as he was me. I look back on it and do have regrets. Sometimes I think all my past with boys is full of regrets.

Andrew used to spend time with me all the time. I had to sit by him. I had to play games with him. I had to be at his side at all times, even by him when we changed out of our bathing suits in our gym class which was held in a pool. I was even next to him in the classroom. Everyone was happy for me, but I wasn't happy for myself. I was in a foster home at that time, happiness was not on my list.

When my parents decided to move again, I never even got to say goodbye to Andrew. I do wonder where he is. Maybe in the future I find him and see what he did with his life. I hope he found the person he so desperately needed and was trying to make me into.

A code of Chivalry

We moved to Baker from Deer Lodge. That was my fifth grade year. It was my year of transforming into someone wild, chatty, and no caring what others thought. It was the year I met Samantha and we would sit on the swings all recess every recess and cuss and be smart asses to people. It was also the year I dated a cowboy named Rye. He was the most beautiful boy I'd ever been with. He had porcelain colored skin, sparkling blue eyes, and a warm honest smile. He was everything I wanted. Especially with those tight Wranglers he wore. Nice butt!

He was very honest and sweet to me. Before I became friends with Sam, I was dating and hanging out with Rye. Kissing, holding hands, fooling around in his bed when I stayed the night. That's the way it went. We were together. Together for a while. Then I lost interest in him for another boy name Travis Cribbs.

How dumb I was. Rye was probably the best boyfriend I've ever had. He did everything for me. I mean everything. He totally had the old knightly vow of chivalry down. Travis was a different story.

After dumping Rye for Travis, I called Rye the Raw Oyster. I was so cruel. I stopped liking Travis when he fell down and started crying. I was so superficial. Rye moved to Halfway and I went back to Arizona because Val had beaten me to the point I thought the next beating me would kill me. I don't even know Rye anymore.

A Christian Courting

Trent was a Christian. A Christian boy in my sixth grade class. Always so kind and sweet to poor Danny who had no running water, good clothes, money, electricity, or food. Trent was like a saint sent from the vaults of Christian heaven. And exactly what I didn't want. I'd already had that. I began to focus on Jeremy. When Jeremy told me about being gay, I didn't believe him. Then he told me what gay was. I knew then it was what I had done my whole life.

I tried to stay away from Trent. I didn't know if he was gay, but I didn't want to ask. It didn't matter, I was out and chasing after Jeff Handcock. Trent waited for me anyway. I never went to him, though. Kevin told me when he went back to Arizona in his eighth grade year, Trent wanted to know about me. Poor guy, I guess I'll show up and give him what he wants. Even if it is only to get sex.

The guy who wouldn't leave me alone

I was moved back to Baker with Mom and Val when Dad and Sue lost the custody battle. It was then that I met another gay guy who wasn't out but was a flamer like myself when I started seventh grade. His name was Nick Cote and he was so annoying! He claimed we were best friends from when we were in fifth grade together at South Baker Elementary School. I know this was not true because my best friend had been Sam and she was going for the skank end of the social arena. Fast. Nick was not my best friend, no matter how hard he tried.

And try he did, all through seventh, eighth, and ninth grade. I was cruel and mean and snotty and gave him the ice queen treatment I have perfected. He still didn't get it. He kept other boys who might have wanted to date me away because they thought he was my boyfriend. How I hated it! That all changed eighth grade spring break though.

A Long Term Heartbreak

That was the year I met my first love and most serious boyfriend Troy. Troy was introduced to me from the dating of my best friend and witch partner Elly's mom, Wanda and Troy's dad. Elly had been gushing about how cute he was and when I saw him I knew it to be so. I was instantly in love with him. Nothing could ever change that. And the love I fell in with him was hard and fast and the kind that breaks your heart and makes you hate relationships period. And that's why I hate them.

Troy was with me in the times I began to grow up and figure out who I was. I dated him from eighth to tenth grade. That was what made me so sour when I first moved to Imbler. I was breaking up with Troy. I can't began to describe the pain I felt and won't even attempt to try. I try to convince myself I am over him. I'm lying to myself. Anytime a sad comes on or I watch A Walk to Remember I think of him and get very sad.

This is very painful for me. I don't wish to go on.

The Toy

Ben was a two-week fling I fooled around with. That's all I can say about that. I did things to him and he did things to me. I was on the rebound from fights with Troy. That's all Ben was to me. It showed me that I could get someone. Someone else thought I was hot and sexy. That's all Ben was. A tool. A toy. And after I had my way with him, I found I liked controlling the other person I was with through manipulation. I've used it ever since then. Ben was the one I honed it on, nothing more. I really am an ice queen.

No longer an innocent

Justin Neer is one of my gay friends in the La Grande gay group who got out of here and moved on to bigger and better things. I lost my virginity to him. Once more I used him as a tool and manipulated him into what I wanted. It worked beautifully. I was working my way around. Ben and Justin were within two days of one another. That's how I gained my reputation as a slut. I am, and I don't deny it.

Flirting

Alex Anderson was twenty five year old Pisces from Virginia whom I flirted with a lot. We used to e-mail one another my junior year and we even had cybersex once. Okay, maybe a lot. Alex was the person I perfected my crafty word skills on by hiding behind a computer screen. It made manipulating him all the easier. All I had to do was type perfectly and that made me look smart. It went well until he withdrew from being on-line. Who else was I to use my power on? He came on-line within minutes of Alex signing off.

A Summer Boyfriend

His name was Nick. Not the same Nick from before. This Nick lived in Vancouver, Washington and was a nineteen year old Cancer. I hooked up with him and we dated through e-mail and phone calls. He was very emotional and that drove me crazy because I was only hot when I wanted to excite him and then I was the ice queen the rest of the time.

We dated over the summer of going into my senior year. I was actually very faithful to Nick. To think I left him for foolish thoughts of snagging John McKinnis is sick. I broke up with him before school and that left me plenty of time to play with other boys in the summer. And play I would!

Used for my amusement

Devon was a so easy to use and abuse. And that I did. I made him believe I wanted him by letting him frisk me and kiss me and we did other things to each other. I even tricked him into believing I'd have sex with him but turned him down when he wanted to go do so. Goddess, that was fun!

Devon ended up in jail and I didn't really care because I ended up hunting down other boys. Devon was just another conquest on my way down the gay man line. I'll continue to do so until get what I want from them.

The Baseball Player

Dylan Pettijohn was the hottest guy I had ever met in my life. It was like having a movie star come into my life. He was that hot. The minute I saw him I wanted one thing and one thing only and that had better be more than once. I flirted and manipulated and was very coy and sly. And I had every reason to be. I wasn't about to let the females and other gays in the room have him!

Dylan was tall with broad shoulders and arms, a bubble butt, and just an over all nice body. He had dark hair and blue eyes. My type all the way. That's what I liked about it. The minute we were going to get busy we were interrupted. Major pissing off there. We never got the chance to and he went to be a fireman. By the time he came back, I had lost interest.

A Carni Guy

Stephen was a carni. A hot one at that. And I knew when I rode his ride he was into me. I caught him staring at me and watching me whenever I came near. So when I told him he was cute he said that he liked that I thought so and was more than happy when I told him I wanted to hook up with him. Stephen was a Gemini, so I knew that would be exciting. Us twins always are. So we waited for him and we were told to leave. I told him I'd see him in Hermiston.

I didn't get to see him in Hermiston. We never got in. That really sucked. Next summer I'll use my ploys and land that boy. No doubt about it.

A liar and a loser

Dovu was a very weird dude. He was punk, and I like punks. I think they're very sexy. I spent some time with him and he was interested but I didn't know if he was clean. So nothing happened. It's not a real lose so I'm okay with it. Dovu turned out to be a complete liar about everything anyway. Oh well. There's always Jake's roommate Matt if I want a punk.

Another One Coming

Well, that's it. All the boys in my life. All the ones I can remember anyway. Love has been a big part, but I not really sure I believe I will ever have it again. It doesn't really bother me. Tiffany Campbell told me yesterday she met a really cute gay guy who goes to the college at Shop n' Kart and he's single. It's time to manipulate again. It's been far too long!