"I'VE ONLY GOT TWO WEEKS TO LIVE ?!" Dan screamed his normally mid-level tone metamorphosing into a high soprano. He was at the doctor's office, a disquieting place under the best circumstances. Dan hated doctor's offices, and this one was no different. The sterilized air, coupled with the off yellow wall color, made him feel sick. The doctor's news did NOT help him feel better. The doc, a small man with thinning brown hair nodded. "I'm afraid so. You see, you have a peculiar growth in your brain which we can't identify.". The doctor appeared genuinely sorry, but Dan still felt incensed.
"But" he protested, color filling his face "I can't be dying! I eat right and I'm in good shape". That was true, Dan was in good shape. He was thin, fairly wiry, and he exercised regularly. He even used special shampoos to keep parasites away from his dusky blonde hair. "I know" the doctor replied, in the same calm, dispassionate voice one would use on a child who is throwing a tantrum, "we can't make heads or tails of what's wrong with you. Again, I'm sorry. Please pay at the counter.". At this point, Dan lost it. "Oh, the hell I will! I'm not paying you for this!" and he stormed out in a huff. He got to his dingy apartment an hour later and started to cry.
Dan spent the next week coming to terms with his death. First he went through a period of denial. "I can't be dying, there must have been a mistake!" he said to himself, over and over for two days. Then he moved on to anger. "It's not fair! Why me? I'm a good guy! So why am I dying?!". That phase lasted another two days. He then moved on to bargaining. He spent the next day in church praying for a cure. When this didn't work Dan became extremely depressed.
"So. This is the way my life ends. From a disease no one can even identify. But there are so many things I've left undone! All that time spent at the office, postponing what I wanted to do for what someone else wanted me to do! My life was wasted on others, but…wait! I still have a week! One whole week in which to live my every dream! I'll do it! I'll cram sixty years of fun into a single glorious, hedonistic week, or die trying!". The irony of what he'd just struck Dan, and he burst into peals of laughter.
But, before he could begin his fun, Dan figured he had to know his budget. He totaled up his savings. "Hmmm. $2,575. A nice number, but I need more'. Suddenly, a brilliant notion entered his mind. He would go to a loan shark and 'borrow' six thousand dollars. Since he'd be dead in a week, he'd never have to pay anything, and you couldn't hurt a dead man. Not so he'd feel it anyway, and he had no relatives he was close to.
He went to a man that he'd heard of. Louie "the Leech", the local loan shark, was renowned for his brutality with defaulters and his 10% compounded interest rate. Still, Dan figured that really didn't matter to him. Louie just about creamed his pants when he heard Dan's request. Both Dan and Louie walked away thinking that the other was a sucker. Dan began to make preparations for his final days.
Dan had decided that, before he could start really having fun, he had to make sure that he was even with everyone. Hence, he dedicated Monday to revenge. He really only had enemies at work. He worked at the Griffin Mutual Fund company, as an accountant, a job he despised, but which he needed. Until now, that is he thought with a chortle. He hatched his plan and made the necessary preparations. They'll NEVER forget tomorrow he thought with dark glee Long after I'm gone, they'll still have nightmares about it.
Dan arrived at the offices of Griffin Mutual Funds very early. He had a TON of things he'd always wanted to do. First, he went into the coffee room. He'd heard once that someone had gotten even with his company by pissing in the coffeepot. While Dan wasn't quite that vindictive, he did have a rather nasty plan. First, he dumped about a half-cup of laxative into the coffee. He had bought a new brand, which took a couple of hours to get "going" so to speak. He then entered the men's room. He super glued the toilet lids to the seats, then he did the same in the ladies room, and every bathroom in the building. That'll teach 'em to mock me! He thought with a nasty grin. Involuntarily, he flashed back to the office Christmas party, when the other guys had pantsed him, then thrown his trousers into the river. The night had ended with him being arrested for indecent exposure, and also damn near catching pneumonia! Well, we'll see who has the last laugh.
Next, he sent an e-mail to just about everyone, containing a detailed (and although Dan, didn't know it, completely true) story about how Bill in marketing was having an affair with the CEO's wife. Bill had been spreading rumors about Dan for years, and now Dan would get even. [Three days later, the CEO caught Bill and his wife in bed together, and wanted in. The three now live together in a villa in Tuscany].
At around 9:00, three hours after Dan had come in, his boss entered. "Uh, sir?", he asked in as timid a voice as he could muster. "What is it Dan" the Boss said, rolling his eyes, "do you want another raise?", his voice indicating that Dan was lucky to just be employed.. "No, sir. I just wanted to talk to you in your office.". The Boss sighed. Dan knew he wasn't one of his superior's favorite employees, but at this point he no longer cared. The moment they entered the office, Dan started telling his boss exactly what he thought of him. The gist of it ran towards "you are an arrogant, self-absorbed piece of garbage, with the brains of a sewer rat, and less charm than my armpit after a game of Ping-Pong!". He was ejected from the building within a minute of finishing. He looked up at the tall, glass covered temple to greed, and smiled as he thought of the chaos (and horrific odor!) that was sure to come once the laxatives kicked in.
Tuesday through Thursday, Dan did everything he'd ever wanted to do. He went hang gliding, bungie humping, orgies, and the like. He chainsawed a parking meter, told his ex-wife EXACTLY where she could put her alimony, reported his rich, snobby, tax-dodging neighbors to the IRS (and was promised a T-shirt as a reward), and generally had a great time living his day dreams. Friday was significantly more somber. He wrote his will, leaving his assets (which were few) to charity and his debts (which were numerous), to a cousin he'd always hated. He made burial arrangements at Green Valley cemetery, purchasing a grave on a hill overlooking a forest. He said goodbye to his friends and relatives, then invited them to a "pre-mortem party". The party began at six PM and lasted until two AM.
Dan woke up on Saturday wearing a black evening gown, pearls and a tiara, and with absolutely no memory of how he came to be in possession of these items. Whoa. What a night he thought. There was a loud ringing in his ears. At first he thought it was part of the hangover, but after a few minutes he realized it was the telephone. He picked up the receiver and said, in a hoarse voice, "What do you want?". At least he meant to say "what do you want?" but it came out as "Whujuwannfff?".
It was his doctor. "Dan," he said in a rather uncharacteristically excited voice "I've got some good news! My secretary's incompetent!". "I'm thrilled for you" Dan said "it's not everyday you find out that you hired a moron. Now why are you calling me?" The doctor laughed. "No, no. Dan, you don't understand. She filed your test results incorrectly. You're not dying!"
"WHAT!" Dan screamed, loud enough for his neighbor to hear "Doc, do you have any idea what I've been doing all week ?!". There was a knock at the door, unusual at this hour. "Hold on 'doctor'" he said in his most caustic voice " I'll finish chewing you out in a minute". He staggered over to the door and asked who it was. "Louie da Leech's collection agency. Open da door an' pay up.".
This time Dan's scream could be heard three blocks away. Fortunately they died off rather quickly.