Uncle Leo said a shipment had just come into town of about 20 emu. His friend was selling them to him at 20% off (10 grand a pop) but only if he picked them up today. Right after breakfast, Leo jumped in his wagon and set off. Siegfried came over a little later to pick up the tigers (thank God). The place was left to me and Paco. We put on our cool threads and head out the door to go clubbin'!
"The next one's mine," says Pac with a gigantic piece of wood in his hand. My Uncle Leo had acquired a pair of alligators a few years back. He heard you could make an energizing drink out of them. He was to call it "Gatorade." He didn't have the heart to put the gators in the giant blender, so he let them back into the wild, i.e. he threw them out the back door and they disappeared into the woods. Well, Nick and Jessica, so dubbed by Leo, found a small lake and mated, producing quite the flock of alligators, who were the targets for our clubbing.
"You better not wuss out like last time," I say. Last time a gator walked out of the water, Pac dropped his club and tore off into the woods.
"I wasn't ready last time, man. I was startled."
"You freaked and ran like a little girl."
"It was huge!" Before I could say, "Yeah, so's your mother" (which is entirely untrue. 36-24-36 baby), a gator crawled out from the lake. Me and Pac sneak behind trees, waiting to pounce.
"You ready?" I whisper to Pac. He nods. "On three, go for it. 1.2.3!" Pac jumps from behind the tree, rears back, and swings full force at the gator's head. Like lightning, the alligator opens its mouth and snaps it shut just as the log swings by, reducing it to splinters. Me and Pac look at each other.
"Run!" I yell and we tear off into the woods. I toss my stick to the side and blaze past Pac. After a couple of seconds, I look back and see Pac trying to dodge attacks by the gator. I've left Pac for dead way too many times. within the past couple days. Eh, I guess not that much considering the circumstances. Fine, I'll go save him.
I run back to Pac and step between him and the gator. "Stand back," I say. "I got this." The gator charges at me. I side step and jump on its back.
"Take him to the floor, Willy!" Pac exclaims. "You the man!" I wrap one arm around its neck and push its nose down with the other. It's whippin' about but I hang on. I take my left hand and start punchin' it in the back while still claspin' it with my right. I'm on it like stink on a monkey.
"Work the body, baby. Work the body." The gator spins and rolls over, crushin' me beneath itself. It shakes hard and throws me off. I roll into the brush, landin' hard on a stick. I'm not gon' lie. It don't look good for ol' Willy. "Nice knowin' you, man," Pac says. However, y'all know me! I'm Willy Sunshine, baby. 58-0. I never lose a fight. I'm the King of Sting. Fly like a butterfly, sting like a bee. Now, this ain't exactly boxing, but I've always got a few tricks up my sleeve.
The gator charges, jaw wide, tongue hangin' to the side. "Chomp time," it thinks, or at least I'm guessin'. It rushes in, it's ready to bite, I grab the stick that I so painfully landed on and cram it into its mouth, makin' it unable to close.
I get up and walk to Pac. "That oughta do it," I say.
"Wait. Remember what happened when he had my stick in his mouth?"
"I didn't know you were close like that," I think, but then remember the dust into which Pac's stick was turned by one snap of the gator's jaw. The stick starts to splinter and we're out of there like two bats out of hell.
When me and Pac got back to Leo's, we took to the road and followed it in to town. It was about a fifteen or twenty minute walk, so me and Pac took to song.
"Hit it," I say.
"Dun duh, dununa, dunununa. Wee, wah, wee, weh, wer. Dun duh, dununa, dunununa. Wee, wah, wee, weh, wer."
"Baby can't you see. I'm callin'. A guy like you should wear a warnin'. It's dangerous. I'm fallin'. With the taste if your lips I'm on a ride. You're toxic. I'm slippin' under. With the taste of a poison paradise, I'm addicted to you. Don't you know that you're toxic?"
That was a good one. The sights weren't (i.e. Pac's gyrating hips and thrusting pelvis), but it was catchy. Pac reminded me of an old one after we did "Toxic," but I have a feelin' "Toxic" may come into play later.
"Oh baby, baby. Oh baby, baby." sings Pac.
Me, "Oh baby, baby. How was I supposed to know, that something wasn't right here."
Pac, "Oh baby, baby."
Me, "I shouldn't have let you go. And now you're out of sight here."
Still me, "Show me how you want it to be. Tell me baby 'cause I need to know now what because."
Pac, "My loneliness is killing me."
Me, "And I."
Pac, "I must confess, I still believe."
Me, "Still believe."
Pac, "When I'm not with you I lose my mind."
Together, "Give me a sign. Hit me baby one more time!" And I punch Pac's lights out. Good times. What are you looking at?
I really don't know what the name of this town is, but me and Pac stroll on in, struttin' like we do best. It's your average Western town, like 20 buildings along the main drag. Me and Pac walk with heads bobbin' into the saloon.
"What'll it be, partner?" asks the barkeep.
"And you?" he says to Pac.
"Oh, I'll just have water. I'm watching my figure."
"Just give him rum," I say, and the bartender goes and fixes our drinks. I love a place like this; scantily clad women and card playin'. Ooh, and they got rooms upstairs, too. Interesting. Very interesting.
A bangin' brunette sits down next to me. "Hey cowboy," she says. "You ready for a showdown?"
"Damnit, Willy," Pac says. "10 minutes in this town an we're already gon' get shot." Dumbass.
"Let's take it upstairs," she says, and I follow. Now y'all know me. I'm usually spittin' killer lines right and left. I can't think of no material right now, though. Got too many songs stuck in my head.
Me and Carmen step into the room and I sit her down on the bed. I look deep into her sexy green eyes and say, "Sometimes I run. Sometimes I hide. Sometimes I'm scared of you. But all I really want is to hold you tight. Treat you right. Be with you day and night. Baby all I need is time." She looks at me and smiles the biggest smile I've ever seen.
"I just wanted to get a little freaky. I didn't know you wanted to get married!"
"Hey what's that?" I say pointing.
She looks. "What?"
I'm out the door.
I go sit down nest to Pac again and about 5 minutes later, a bodacious blonde sits down next to me.
"Hey hot stuff," she says. "You wanna go ride off into the sunset?" We're upstairs in a second.
I sit her down like the last one. "You drive me crazy. I just can't sleep. I'm so excited. I'm in too deep. Oh, oh, oh, crazy, and it feels alright. You got that somethin', keeps me up all night."
"So, you wanna get a little crazy," she says, who I've learned to be named Pam.
I walk down the stairs about half an hour later, and let's just say, business was handled. I finish my drink, and a radically radiant redhead (I really gotta stop with this alliteration bullshit) comes up to me and lays one right on my lips.
"Slut," Pac coughs.
"I hear you're a pretty fast gun slinger," she says.
"Well, I try," says Pac. Idiot.
"Fastest in the West."
"I hope not too fast," she says, and we move it to the second floor.
"I'm addicted to you. Don't you know that I'm Toxic?" I say.
"Hey, Toxic," she says [insert sexy adverb here]. "I'm Lindsay." We, how shall I put this, put it into 1st gear (nah, 2nd really) for a while, when I hear a knock on the door.
"Willy!" a voice calls. "Willy!"
"Excuse me," I say to Lindsay. Three minutes later, I get up and open the door. It's Pac.
"What the hell do you want?" I ask annoyed.
"No, Thin Earp," he says sarcastically, and officially goes in the books with possibly the worst joke ever devised.
"What's he want?" I ask.
"He's come to arrest you."
"For when you went streaking in Sacramento."
"This is bullshit," I say.
"We gotta blaze, man."
"If you please, Madame," I say to Lindsay. She tosses me my hat, I blow her a kiss, and we head out into the hall. Earp's at the next door down. Back into the room.
"Shit, man, what are we gonna do?" Pac asks me.
"Let me think," I say. Must think of a plan.
"Hey Toxic," Lindsay calls. I look over. "You could try these on."
A radically radiant redhead, a surprisingly (not too surprisingly) attractive blonde, and a fat Mexican "chick" walk out the door in skimpy outfits. The blonde (me, if you hadn't guessed it) gives Earp a smack on the ass as we walk by, and the Mexican broad (yes, it's Pac), blows him a kiss. We walk down the stairs and out the back door.
"Thanks, Lindsay. That was huge," I say. "How can I make it up to you? Want another go?"
"Let's just say you owe me a favor," she says.
"You sure you don't want another go?"
"Where'd you get that idea?" she says, moving closer.
"Alright, break it up," says Pac.
"Later, Lindsay," I say and I plant one on her br. I mean lips. She blows Pac a kiss, winks at me, and walks back in.
"She may be the one, Pac," I say. I see a hot blonde walk down the street. "Maybe not."
"Willy, man, where are we gonna get a change of clothes?" I look around for an outfitter. Across the street, my eyes lay on a store called Abercrombie & Fitch.
Me and Pac walk in. A man walks up to us.
"May I help you ladies. err, gentlemen?"
"We need some clothes."
"Well, if you'd like to take a look at our catalog, then I'd be happy to get you whatever you want," he says handin' me the thick book. I open it up and look through the first couple pages. No clothes. I leaf through about 50. No clothes. I hand it back to him.
"There's not a single piece of clothing in that whole thing. It's all a bunch of pictures of naked chicks covering all the good parts makin' out with ripped body builder guys."
"There are seven, actually. Our research has shown it to be quite the good advertising scheme." He points at Pac, who has begun to drool.
"I'll take the whole store, man," he says.
"I'll see if I can find some things in your size."
Pac and I bounce up out the store lookin' sharp. I went with the faded hat, the jeans with the frayed ends, the too small t-shirt, a sea shell necklace, and a pink fuzzy belt. Paco's sportin' the checkered shirt, rolled up sleeves, black pants with the number 89 sewn into one of the ass cheeks, and a bucket hat. Lookin' this good is expensive, though. If I weren't filthy rich (like I am at the moment), I would have had to make the choice whether I eat for the next week, or whether I buy a shirt that looks like I've A) has it for years, and B) took miserable care of it.
The two of us hit the road back to my Uncle's and in the fashion of most of our journeys, we turn to song.
"Baby, I woke up this mornin' and a sea was stormin' inside of me."
Pac, "Inside of me."
"And baby, I feel like I'm capsizin'. These waves keep risin'."
Pac, "And risin'."
"And baby, when I get that feelin', I need sexual healin'."
Pac, "Sexual healin' baby."
We walk along the road for a while, laughin', talkin', we saw two squirrels doin' the do. Pac wanted to sing some song called "Dirrrty," but I would have no part in it. We stroll up to my Uncle's and I see his wagon next to the house.
"He must be inside," I say. We walk in and my uncle's sittin' at the table eatin' raisins. He looks up as we come through the door.
"Howdy," he says. I nod and sit down across from him. Paco proceeds to go into the bathroom. Leo starts eatin' his raisins again and stares at his plate.
"What's with the birds?" I say.
"Nuthin," he answers.
"Well, where are they?" I hear a rumbling comin' from the bathroom.
"They're in the wagon." A moan in the background follows.
"All of them?"
"How do they look?" I ask. A short burst of ass music answers.
"Juicy," Leo says. I give him a weird look. "The birds, I mean. If you want, you can go take a look at them."
"I'll wait for Pac."
A satisfied "Ah" comes from the relieved Pac in the bathroom.
"You almost done in there, Pac?" I call.
"Mission complete," he answers, and I hear the toilet flush.
Me and Pac step out the side door and slide on up to the wagon. I whip open the back, revealing twenty gigantic birds, but not emu.
"Leo, you are such a jackass!" I say as me and Pac feast our eyes on the pink flamingos my uncle purchased from his "friend." Scammed was Leo.
"Hey Willy man, watch this," says Pac. He grabs a flamingo around the neck, and it proceeds to bite him on the nose. "Son of a." he exclaims.
"I burst through the door and march over to my uncle. "What the hell did you spend my money on?"
"Those are flamingo you dumbass."
"You're shittin' me."
"I shit you not."
"Son of a."
I walk outside to see Pac still messin' with the birds. One has his hat on, and another is wearin' his boots.
"Willy, man, what's your uncle gonna do with these things?"
"He was gonna sell 'em for food."
"Who the hell is gon' eat an ostrich?"
"Right. How much did he pay for these things?"
"20 grand a pop."
"Oh man, he got ripped off."
"You mean we got ripped off."
"What you talkin' bout, Willy?"
"This was the bright idea to spend the chest on."
"Since this morning."
"You spent our money without my consent!?"
"You agreed to it!"
"I had brain damage this morning!"
"I asked you and you said you were down."
"I can't believe you took advantage of me when I was drunk!"
"That's what she said."
"Every girl you ever slept with."
"Hey, how I get laid is none of your business."
"That's what she said."
I walk back in and find Leo opening a bottle of bourbon.
"Well, I guess we're gonna have to file for bankruptcy," he says.
"That's a shame. What are you gonna do with all those birds?"
"Meh. I'll keep 'em around."
"Yeah, that's not gonna be happenin', man," Pac says, who just walked through the door.
"What you talkin' bout, Paco?"
"The tigers just got dropped off and. well. lunch was served."
"Well there's 400 grand down the drain," I say.
"It was actually a million."
"Yeah, the guy said they were special rare pink emu, so he upped the price."
"Damn," I say.
"Raisin?" Leo asks.
"Don't mind if I do." Pac takes a gigantic handful and crams them in his mouth.
A gun shot rings from outside.
"You better get your ass out here, Sunshine!" Me and Pac look at each other.
"I got a warrant for your arrest, Sunshine. Now get out here befores I make you get out here!"
"What are we gonna do, Willy man?" Pac asks.
"I don't know, Pac," I say.
"You guys," Leo says. "From what I hear, Wyde Earp bats from the other side of the plate."
"Walks on the other side of the street?"
"Hangs on the other side of town."
"But what about his cute little girlfriend?" I ask.
"That's not a woman, it's a man, baby."
"Leo, you think you could 'turn it on' while me and Pac slip out the back?"
"You got it, my boy."
"I'll visit soon, Leo," I say.
"You better, or I'll have to spank your bottom."
"Peace out," says Pac. Come on, Pac. You're wearin' clothes from Abercrombie for Pete's sake.
Me and Pac sneak out the back and head for the barn. Leo steps through the front door with his shirt off.
"Well hello, officer." I always knew it was like that with Earp, not that there's anything wrong with that.
I jump on Sea Biscuit, Pac gets on a white horse named Shadowmane, and we giddy on up outa there. Where we're headed, I don't know. Wherever it may be, I'm sure there are plenty of adventures for the legendary Willy Sunshine and his faithful, guaranteed to be fat sidekick Paco.
"Yo mama's so fat, her ass has got its own Congressman."
"Damn you're good."
As I've said before, that's a lie. Paco's mom is amazingly hot. How she produced Paco, I have no idea.
"Paco's mom has got it goin' on," I sing. "She's all I want and I've waited for so long. Paco can't you see, you're just not the one for me. I know it may be wrong, but I'm in love with Paco's mom."
WILLY SUNSHINE WILL RETURN.