AN: Let me warn you, this is depressing. So if you don't want to be depressed don't read this. It's just a little something to help me get over writers block. *die die die die* but even as I write this the plot for a sequel is fighting to be acknowledged so read it and tell me if you want more. ;)
I guess it's a fore gone conclusion that these things aren't meant to be long, but. . . it seems stupid to have a rule about such things, and I can't think of a better way to explain. Explain what? Well it's self evident now to whoever is reading this probably, but let me start at the beginning. (That is usually the best place after all.)
I woke up this morning, and it was just like any other morning I suppose, only the sun was shining and I slept in and it was my birthday so I write off my happy mood to those happy coincidences. I got up, dressed, had breakfast and left for college.
It had been so long (about two months now) since I've been in a good mood, so I decided to share it with someone.
So, forgetting he was at work I called one of my friends before my lesson hoping he'd want to join me outside. "Never mind" I thought when he said he couldn't "I'll try someone else."
Well, no one else was about and those that were didn't seem too interested in talking to me for long, but I tried not to let it get to me. "It's always like this between us" I told myself. "It's never bothered you before" Except I realize now that it has.
You see, dear, whoever you are, I'm not very close to any of my friends. I wanted to be, but it just never worked out like that.
I don't know maybe it's me.
It got a lot worse lately, I was depressed after Emily left me. I got a little anti social and it seemed like no one wanted to bother with me anymore, what's that you say? I should have made more of an effort? Well, maybe you're right. Then again, maybe you're not, who knows. My parents say that people who don't have friends don't deserve them. maybe they're right. . . and maybe I'm one of those people.
I should have gotten over it by now, since Emily and I broke up over two months ago, but something about it just. . . stayed with me I guess. It's not even that I miss her overly much, but she was nice to talk to. And her reasons for the brake up are ridiculous. The more I denied it the more she believed it was true! (Isn't that the most annoying thing ever? I hate that!) she thought I was gay. Shouldn't the fact that I was in a relationship with her, a *girl* be testament to the contrary? I can't figure it out.
Well, things went down hill after my lesson finished. . . or even before I guess. Jordan Gray is in my class. I know him, I guess you could call us friends, and well I guess he thought I left the room because he was talking to some of the other guys. (I know them too, but calling them friends would be a lie by any stretch of the imagination.) So, I eavesdropped and heard what he said. It was about me. It was unpleasant. Let's leave it at that. I AM NOT trying to blame this on him, in fact it's not his fault at all. I guess it just made my unusually good mood turn in to a spectacularly bad one.
It got worse on the train home. I don't know why, maybe I was just paranoid by then or something, looking for things to go wrong. I felt like everyone was staring at me. They may have been I don't know. All I saw in their eyes was disgust and pity mixed in to one sickening emotion and I could identify with them, I feel like that about myself.
I got home. I didn't even slam the door, I just walked upstairs quietly. "You're useless, what have you accomplished? Nothing! Everyone hates you!" they'd say. The voices in my head.
No, I'm not insane. you know, the kind of voices everyone gets, when they talk to themselves. Only I couldn't control what I was thinking, and foolishly started talking back to them. "You're pathetic! Just put your self out of your misery." they said. God, in retrospect it seems so stupid."If I kill myself, you die too!" I reasoned, and this was really a turning point. I realized that it makes perfect and undeniable sense if I die, I don't have to put up with the voices in my head that are making me feel insane. I don't have to put up with people who are supposedly friends not having time for me. I don't have to live with this crushing feeling in my chest after Jordan burst my bubble about us being friends. (I can't work out why that one hurt so much. Maybe just my state of mind, or maybe because I'd never actually heard anyone talking about me behind my back before. Or maybe because Em thought we were so close. . . this is ridiculous!)
And then, I don't remember how but I was sitting on the edge of my bed with an unhealthy amount of pain killers in my hand and a glass of water in the other. "Do it you pussy, you've chickened out of practically everything else in your pathetic life, at least go through with this."
And I did.
I felt quiet proud of myself actually.
But I guess they haven't kicked in since I can still type. . .
I don't know what else to say after that, and my hands are getting kinda' tired, but no matter the explanation people give other people are always left wondering why? What could have been so bad? Well, let me elaborate on that point then.
(Oh shit, this is really starting to hurt, my head is spinning. I'm scared)
I wanted to die because...lol, let me start that gain,
(And now I'm crying for some fucked up reason) No one is going to miss me. Not my friends, if I even have any, they'll probably feel sad for a while, in a superficial sort of way, and I don't mean to be cruel to them, it's just that we really weren't that close. . . My parents will be angry at me.. They have been for that last year or so. In fact maybe I should delete this whole thing and just write 'I sacrifice my soul to Satan' :) they're born again Christians, and ever since I started to dress myself, they decided I'm a Satanist. I'm not of course.
Mom, dad, I'm sorry. I do love you. But you never understood me, though I like to think you tried. Bye.
What else is there? I guess I regret going through with it a little, now. I mean, there's no point, but . . .maybe it's just because I feel like shit at the moment. Understatement. It's taking me ages to type this. And it's frightening to think these are the last things I'll ever say. . . not a great contribution to the world of literature is it. . .
A minute ago I almost called the ambulance. But I didn't, I'd feel like even more of an idiot if I actually live through this, I don't think I could cope.
And just my luck, the phone is ringing. I'll tell you who it was in a minute.
"Hi!. . . I guess if you're listening to this I'm not there. Sorry I missed you, please leave a message after the beep."