DISCLAIMER: This essay is my own work, and therefore my own opinions. If you happen to disagree with these opinions, then that, no offense to anyone, is your own problem. So all you patriots and pro-Bush people, don't take any of my remarks personally. They are not meant to hurt anyone or make them mad.
All my life I've wanted to be a newspaper columnist. I've wanted to write down witty or thoughtful things and get paid for it. Heck, who doesn't? But, anyway, when I come right down to it, I have absolutely no idea about how to write the conventional American essay. There are simply too many ways of doing it! In english class, I've always been taught "introduction, body paragraphs, conclusion". But that doesn't seem right. I mean, it's not often that I see an essay actually written in that form, or at least not that I could recognize. Anne Lamott, a highly respected women's columnist, writes her essays based on experiences she's had. I've tried that, but I soon found out that I didn't really have any experience that I could connect to deeper spiritual meaning, or better understanding of myself. So, as you can imagine, that didn't work out too wonderfully well. On to the next form: Michael Moore, yet another well-respected essaysist and filmmaker, and, according to me and several of my friends, a brave man with a helluva lot of pluck, writes his essays by single-handedly dissing just about everything from American Government, to White Americans, to Corporate America, to American Celebrities, , you get the idea. Basically this man is a born Canadian, he was just born and raised in the wrong half of North America. Dave Barry, yet another columnist, makes his name in snide comments and blatant sarcasm. Now, I figure that somewhere between Anne Lamott, Michael Moore, and Dave Barry, there must be some happy medium, and therin lies my essay. Right?

Maybe. But for some reason, I just can't come to that happy medium. I'm either too boring, too angry, or trying too hard to be funny. Each one of my attempts seems to fail miserably. I've written (or at least attempted to write) at least four or five essays. I haven't gotten past the first paragraph of any of them. Call it procrastination, call it writer's block, call it laziness, but the fact still remains that I have yet to finish any of my essays so far.

It's not that I have a lack of events or memories. I've millions. There was the time I broke the sink in my family's hotel room this past spring break in Memphis. There was the times I met authors like Cheryl Harness, Lois Ruby, Vicki Grove, Brian Jacques, and Patricia Polacco. There were my multiple moving experiences, only one of which I can actually remember. My elementary school capers, my first debate and forensics tournaments, millions upon millions of memories. But none of them seem like I can really make a good solid essay out of any one of them.

It's not that I'm not pissed enough about the state of my country. I am. Believe me, I am. If I could, I would move and change my citizenship to Canadian. White Americans are racist, impulsive people who can be quite annoying to people that don't know us well enough. I'm not ashamed to admit this. You white Americans who are not agreeing with me right now, think about it. Everyone, no matter how important, has had some kind of racist thought at some point. It doesn't even necessarily have to be hateful, but it's still there. Think about the current situation that our oh-so- intellingent "President" Bush has put us in. Is this not just a stupid, impulsive series of actions all so that we can up the oil availability of the good 'ol U.S. of A? I've also tried the sarcastic humor thing. I simply can't come up with anything that I can make fun of and do a good job of it. I don't know why. I come up with comments easily enough when I'm speaking. But this just doesn't seem to have the same effect when I'm writing it down.

So, as you can see, I'm in a rut. All I want to do is write an essay, and yet I have absolutely no idea how to write one. I don't know my subject. I don't know how to go about researching or writing my opinions on the subject, being that I can't come up with one to begin with. Nothing that I can think of is good enough for me.

But, wait a minute? Aren't I writing an essay right now? Hot damn! I'm doing it! I'm writing an essay! Yes! Success at long last! Wait a minute, what was I talking about? Aw crap, I've lost my train of thought. Just gimme a sec and I'll remember what it was I was wanting to say. Oh never mind you better just bug off. I'm thinking this one will take a while.