3Now, this isn't what really happened to me, but you know... exxageration makes things funnier.
And for those of you who haven't read "Happy now?", which is the story from which these characters come from, it shouldn't be too hard for you to pick up on. This is just a silly little side story that takes place a year later, it has nothing to do with the actual plot.
SO! With that said- ON WITH THE STORY!
Science fair.
As a child, I looked forward to the Science Fair. It was my favorite event of the year. I always went far, often won awards and money. Not that I needed the money—I'm quite rich, you see—but the recognition was nice. It's good to be recognized for my genius, even if only once a year.
Of course, as I aged, my knowledge grew, and it got to the point where my projects became beyond the understanding of the judges. Now, oftentimes the biggest winners have projects that baffle the judges, but these are projects made by high school students… when an elementary school student makes a project more complicated than the high schoolers, it apparently means that I've been "assisted by my parent."
I try to explain to them that my mother hates me; that she would never assist me at something like this, but naturally they don't believe me.
I haven't gotten past the regional competitions since third grade.
So here comes my sixth grade Science fair, and I was not at all looking forward to it. Naturally, I did a project… I would fail my science class if I didn't. And of course my teacher thought it was good enough to go on to regionals. I was apprehensive about going, but my best friend Ann urged me to at least give it a shot. So I decided, what the hell. I'll do it. At least Ann'd be there (as a spectator—her class didn't make her do a project), so I'd have someone to talk to during the hours upon hours of sitting around at my project.
So came the day to travel out to a neighboring city and sit about idly waiting for idiot judges to ask me mindless questions. I knew this was going to be absolutely boring, so I brought along my GameBoy, despite the fact that the rules strictly forbade such things.
Now, I had been hoping that I could have gotten a ride there from Ann and her dad, because my mother never bothers to drive me—she makes me take the bus. But unfortunately, they had previous arrangements, and as such would only arrive at the Fair when it was already halfway through. I couldn't arrive that late, so on the bus I went.
Buses are not pleasant. I do not like them. Public transportation can go to hell.
So I got there, found my spot (with much difficulty, mind you), and set up my board. From there it was a matter of playing "Link's Awakening" (fuck the DX version. I play the original) for a few hours while older kids would call my project "Bullshit" as they walked past.
Simpletons.
So a few long hours went by until finally I felt a poke on my head and found Ann standing above me. I switched off my game.
She pointed to the title of my project, which read in bold letters, "GRAND UNIFIED THEORY AT LAST!"
"You have got to be kidding," Said she.
"I'm not," Replied I, smiling happily. I picked up a folder full of papers from my table and handed it to her, "Look for yourself. It's a bit simplified there, but you'll get the jist of it."
She raised an eyebrow skeptically, but took the folder and flipped through it. She studied it for about five minutes, then snapped the folder shut. "POP," Said she. "That, Brian, is the sound of my brain exploding. Now, may I ask you why you brought something this brilliant to the SCIENCE FAIR."
"Can't I have a little fun with my G.U.T.?"
She looked through the equations again. "This includes all four forces, doesn't it?"
I nodded. "Gravity was a real bitch to get in there."
"And is this in Point-particle theory, or—"
"String. Fuck point-particles."
She pointed to some numbers on the paper. "So these equations here—"
"Account for the extra curled-up seven dimensions. Impressed yet?"
She put down the folder, and sighed. "I was impressed when you wrote that paper about gravitons last year. Why didn't you publish that?"
I leaned my chair back a bit. "Because it would've been too easy. I mean, sure, gravitons are a pain, but REALLY... It was just too simple."
"You never cease to amaze me," Said she, poking my nose.
Before I could respond, a judge arrived at my table. Ann took a few steps away from me and the judge—she knew that judges tended to be pissy about having people near the project when they were doing their judging.
The judge started with an idiotic question. "So what's your project about?"
I pointed to the title of my board. "The title says it all. I've written the Grand Unified Theory."
"And that is…?"
I took a deep breath, trying to keep myself calm. I didn't want to ruin my chances at winning by yelling at the judge, even though I could already tell that he was an idiot. "It's the ultimate theory of physics. It's something that, until now, physicists could only DREAM of! And I'VE achieved it."
"And you did this how?"
"With math!" I handed him the folder, "Most of the equations are in there."
He didn't even look. "And what was your experiment?"
"I didn't DO an experiment," Said I, "I don't have access to any particle accelerators, so—"
"Well, if you don't have an experiment, I'll have to disqualify you," Interrupted he, "The rules state that you HAVE to have done an experiment. It looks to me that you only have a hypothesis. Anyone could have done that."
"Anyone?!" I yelled, "NO ONE could have done this! I've done what no physicist has ever done before! Einstein DIED trying to find this theory! This is bigger than some stupid science-fair EXPERIMENT!"
"Yeah, yeah," He took the little number tag from my board—this action officially disqualified my project. "And if you do any more yelling, I'll have you kicked out of the building," He started to walk off, then noticed my GameBoy sitting on the table and returned. He snatched it off the table and put it in a bag. "And I'll be confiscating this," And with that, he left to go judge some more stupid projects.
Ann stepped back over to my table. "Brian—"
"Fuck!" Screamed I, taking my board from the table and ripping it in half, "Fucking stupid FUCK!"
"Brian, don't yell like that."
"Why not?! Let them kick me out, I don't care!" I took my folder, and started ripping up the pages.
Ann looked horrified, and tried to grab my hands to stop the destruction, but I dodged and kept ripping. "What are you DOING?!" Shrieked she.
"They don't care about my theory! So fuck them! They can't have it!"
She kept trying to snatch the papers before I could destroy them. "A-at least save the part about gravity and—"
"No!" I ripped up the remaining papers, then threw them on the ground and started stomping on them. "Fuck it! Fuck that judge, fuck the science fair, and fuck the Grand Unified Theory!"
She looked forlornly down at the destroyed physics. "But… what about the physics community? You could have started a golden age…"
"Fuck it," I started walking away. "The physicists can write their own damn Unified Theory."
That was my last Science Fair project. I never bothered with it ever again.