Going through a hard time

Summer 2001, this was one of the greatest years I had had so for, I was doing well in school I had great relationships with my friends and my family and I had just a started going out with a girl that I thought I could only date in my mind.

I picked up my mobile phone, I had second thoughts, did I really want to do this the message I had wrote said 'Lynn I think we shouldn't go out any more, we saw more of each other when we were just best friends and I think we should just stay best friends lv. Phill' I came up with the courage to press the send button I had a feeling I made the right decision.

Log on : :-Phillmour-: I had logged into my msn passport and surly there was Jen under the name of is fantastic. Phillmour: hey Jen! Is Fantastic: hi Phill Is Fantastic: sorry about the other night I shouldn't have. Phillmour: you don't have to be sorry Is Fantastic: I don't want to ruin things between you and Lynn Phillmour: I have just broken up with Lynn Is Fantastic: Why? Phillmour: because I would rather be with you Phillmour: will you go out with me? Is Fantastic: your gonna have to ask me face to face Phillmour: ok Is Fantastic: j/k course I'll go out with you Phillmour: I so want to hug you now Is Fantastic: Hug me tomorrow Phillmour: I go to blue dolphin tomorrow after noon for a week Phillmour: what the hell I'll come see you in the morning, be up early Is Fantastic: ok, I gtg now my dad needs to use the internet Phillmour: ok see ya tomorrow, love ya Is Fantastic: love you too Logged off: :-Is Fantastic-:

Logged on: :-Coops-: Phillmour: ROB! GUESS WHFAT? Coops: wafat? Phillmour: sorry typo, guess what? Coops: what? Phillmour: I'm going out with Jen Coops: how nice for you Phillmour: sorry Coops: why you saying sorry? Phillmour: I know you liked her its just you never asked her out and the only reason I went out with Lynn is because you liked Jen and I didn't want to ask Jen out because you would have been mad Coops: I was mad when you went out with Lynn, how do you think it feels coming second to your best mate Phillmour: sorry, I don't exactly do it intestinally there are other people on this planet besides you and some of up want to be happy Coops: well there is no need to come on and rub it in my face Phillmour: well I didn't mean to do that I was just excited Phillmour: I gtg now my mum needs to use the phone, don't be mad at me please Coops: I'm gonna have to put up with it at school, you two all over each other Phillmour: we don't have school for another 6 weeks, maybe you'll get used to it in that time Phillmour: I really gtg now, c-ya l8r Logged off: :-Phillmour-:

Me and Jen had been going out for about 2 months and we had already had a few problems. This had been my longest running relationship so far and I was scared of losing her. She had been going to see her best friend Mark, I was overly jealous of him because it seemed she had been making more contact with him ten she had with me. he had been sending her messages to her mobile phone basically asking for sex. I knew he was only doing this because he was jealous of me, jealous because I had Jen and he didn't. I felt I couldn't trust Jen because she was constantly going to his house. Every time I wanted to meet mark she wouldn't let me or, he would tell her to pass on threatening messages to me, she would pass them on as a joke, but I didn't take them too lightly. I got a text message one day off Jens phone from mark, it read 'You're a sad prick and you need to get a life' I wanted to know why she had let him send that message off her phone, she said she didn't know he had sent it, for some reason I didn't believe her. This jealous streak ran all the was up 'til Christmas until it was properly sorted out.

Me and Jen were still going out 2 months later, the jealous thing was dying, it had been on and off throughout the relationship. I was sat at my computer with my best mate Rob who had gotten over the fact that me and Jen had been going out. But I know that deep down inside he was still hurt. There was a phone call that I answered it was a woman with a Scottish voice she asked to speak to my mum, I didn't actually realise who it was but when my mum started to speak like she had had a deep shock that I realised who it was. Before I was going out with Lynn I was going out with Marie, I hadn't known her before I went out with her I had met her at a club. Me and Marie had had sexual relationships at a very young age, these sexual relationships didn't involve contraception. Her mum was Scottish and that was were I heard the voice before. As soon as my mum started to whimper I sent Rob home. After he had gone I sat on the stairs in shame. My mum came through and asked me every single question about it and told me the agonising truth, Marie was pregnant. The date September 10th 2001 is a date I'll always remember, the day that my house was full of anger and mistrust. I had to go on my paper round my mum told me not to come back until she rang me. she was beginning to understand the situation, everything had calmed down but it wasn't when my dad got home, my mum didn't want me in the house when she told my dad. When I returned home my dad didn't speak to me. I went into the kitchen my mum and her friend Sue were stood there, I was upset, that my dad didn't speak to me, but I hadn't yet shed a tear on the show situation, I could not cry and I didn't know why, maybe because I saw it coming and it was a matter of time before it happened, for some reason I couldn't cry even if I forced it. I was sat in the kitchen with Sue, she understood my situation and tried to comfort me. I was zoned out, I thought of one person and that was what made me cry, I thought of Jen, I thought of how this would affect her, I dreaded telling her and her parents, the thought of losing Jen gave me the worst feeling I had had all day, worse than when I had suspicions of who was on the phone, worse than when I heard my mum cry, worse than when I knew my dad would not talk to me. I burst into tears there and then in front of Sue, I kept my reasons for crying to myself and blamed it on the fact that I was going to be a dad.

September 11th a day that struck the world for bad news, double for me, this was the day I was going to go round to Jens house to face her and her mum, her dad was the same as my dad, he had a different opinion of me after he found out. The first thing that happened when the door opened to Jens house was Jens mum hugging me, at the time that I was with Jen, Jens mum was like a second mother to me. Jen was just as understanding, it felt good that some many people was there form me in my time of need. After a few tears were shed, the rest of the day was spent on the disbelief about the fall of the twin towers. Sometimes I think that things are put there purposely to teach us stuff, like god is putting them there. The fall of the twin towers made me realise that, there are many people out there in the big wide world that are worse off that me, families that had great losses, women who once had husbands, men that once had wives, children that are known orphans, all this just doesn't seem right, why should all this horror happen?.

After the news I wasn't my self, mine and Jens relationship was as stable as before though. She wanted to stick by me no matter what happened. She sent me a text message that showed me how much she cared, my mum got to read it before I did, even she said I was lucky to have her, the text message said, 'Phill I love you and no matter what happens between you and Marie and the baby I will always be there for you, love you loads Jen xXx'. The happiness we had didn't last as long as we thought it would, things started to go bad towards Christmas, I was getting more moody and began to act like a different person every day, I wasn't changing for the better. I was upsetting Jen by shouting at her and getting mad at her because she was becoming more distant from me and she was lying to me, because she knew I would get mad.

January 25th 2002 me and Jen broke up. i knew that this was gonna be one hell of a year I just wanted it to end as soon as it began. I hated my self at this time, I knew that it was my fault me and Jen broke up, because I did all the blaming, I couldn't trust her.

First holiday of the year, well for my mum and dad, they decided to take a holiday and left us at my grandma's in Barton. I had to come back from my grandma's to do my paper round, my step granddad, who I prefer to call Popsy brought me home then took my brothers to go see hull city play. All I had to do was go into my house have something to eat and go do my papers go back home to be picked up, it became more complicated. There was a message on the answer machine, I pressed the button, the first message was Marie's mum, she said, "Marie gave birth this morning to a beautiful baby girl, 7 pound 1 ounce, she is still in the hospital now, if you want to come see her the date is February 8th" the date I received the message was February 9th. All I could do now was panic, I was all alone at home no one to tell no one to talk to. I immediately picked up the phone and rang my mum on holiday. When my mum picked up the phone she was calm and relaxed, "hello" she answered, I started to speak in a panicked stutter "mum, Marie gave birth yesterday, what do I do? Should I go down to castle hill and see her" I was scared to death, I was totally not prepared for this. "Phill just calm down, ring the hospital and see if you can go see her" you wont be going today, you have no means of transport" my mum said "ok, mum I'm scared" I admitted to her "it'll be ok, calm down" my mum said.

After ringing the hospital I rang the paper shop where I work to tell them I would be a little late, in my panic I accidentally rang my best mate Robert who had a similar number, when he answered I had no choice but to tell him the news, he took it calmly and said he would come and see me, also I rang Jens house and Jens mum answered the phone, I had no problem telling Jens mum before Jen, even though me and Jen had broken up, I still thought of Jens mum as a second mother to me. I did my paper round and when I got back Jen and Robert where bother there to see my and comfort me.

We all sat inside my house I made every one a cup of tea, and we sat and talked for one and a half hours Robert had to go home after that and it was just me and Jen left. Jen thought of some ways to try and cheer me up. When we used to go out she used to dance with me, Jen always has been a good dancer I used to try and learn some of her steps she did for her dance shows, the key word there is try. Jen put the song "lady marmalade" and she some how taught me a salsa dance to that song. The dancing really calmed me down. Jen hugged me when she hugged me it felt like nothing had changed, it felt like we were still together. a tear actually ran down my cheek and ran onto her shoulder as she hugged me. I had a chance to get back together with her but I didn't take that chance, I didn't want to put her through what I put her through before. There was a knock at the door, it was Jens mum here to pick her up. i walked Jen to the front door, and said my goodbyes and thank you, for being there, Jen kissed me on the lips, in front of her mum, I returned the kiss but only as a thank you. I always had wishes of getting back with Jen but I couldn't go through it. I loved her and I always would.

The next day I went with my mum to go see my new born daughter. We were made to wait for 45 minutes before visiting hours opened, I was growing anxious and agitated. When we finally got let in I felt like I didn't want to go through with it, I was scared, but as soon as I saw her I fell in love. She was so small and beautiful, and when I held her I felt like an older man, I was sweating all over in my big blue coat, but I didn't care all I cared about was looking into this beautiful babies eyes, I hadn't even asked her name yet, I hadn't even considered it until my mum asked "what did you call her?" Marie replied "Mellissa Annika Ross" it's a beautiful name to go with a beautiful girl, I was speechless the whole time I was there I didn't want to leave. But when we had to leave I kissed my fingers and laid them on her forehead and whispered "I love you" into her tiny little ear.

I had absolutely no problem with being a father, I was happy, I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. My family is a big part of my life, and it gets worse as we move on, later on in the year my granddad was struck with cancer of the bladder. He had been complaining about it since September 2001 and when something is finally done about it his condition is critical. When I went to see him in hospital I didn't know what to do, the amount of times I had spent in a hospital this year I might as well live there.

On April fools day my best friend put his hand through the window of my door all because of a stupid joke, after 12 on April fools day its supposed to be leg up day, my best mate Robert decided to try and leg me up for a joke, well I started to run down the street where I live and I ran into my door, when I closed the door Robert was just closing in on me, he put his arm out to stop the door from closing and his hand went straight through the glass. He sliced open his tendons in his arm. My mum held the wound to stop it from bleeding my dad called the ambulance and me in my panic called his mum, I think I worried his mum worry too much with the tone of my voice. I was glad when the ambulance got there, but I felt like the most guilty person in the world. After the accident I rang Jen and asked if I could go round to see her, I explained what happened and said I needed someone to talk to. Later on she went to the hospital with me to see Robert I felt guilty for weeks afterwards, I didn't show it to any one.

During the exams I got so stressed about them and the fact the my granddad was now dying in hospital and I wasn't coping that well with being a dad, on top of all that I had another falling out with Jen I accidentally made a wise crack to her about her best friend mark, she took it as an offence. It brewed into a bigger argument about how much I still loved her. I wasn't over her even after all this time.

I had to go babysitting one night for a young boy called Sean, I needed the money at the time, I wasn't on much with my newsagent job. this was after my exams where over and I was calming down a bit, my granddad was still in hospital, this was the next June. After babysitting I claimed my 10 pound from Barbra, Sean's mum, I went home. There was no one in, I knew they would be at the hospital with my granddad, they had been for the past 6-7 months, I just sat on my front porch, waiting for someone to come back, I was sat there for half an hour before my dad finally rang me on my mobile, he said, "Phillip are you at home" I replied "yes, I'm sat at the front door its getting cold when you going to be home"

"we'll be about an hour or granddad just died" I was so shocked at the news even though I knew it was coming, "go back to Barbra's and we'll pick you up from there, she knows your coming" "ok" I said quietly.

On my way back to Barbra's I just sat in under a green archway of some bodies garden gate and cried. I was sick of being alone to receive all the upsetting or shocking I was sick of not having any body to talk directly to about it. My granddad was always a strong man, I wanted to be like him, he was always active and smart he had a positive opinion on life, even though life has never been easy for him. I couldn't be like that my opinion on life had changed that moment, my life had taken an awful turn.

Now its September 2002 a new start for me, I hadn't done that well in my GCSE's so I'm re-sitting them now at college I'm fine with that, as long I get it done, now I have a positive opinion on life, I miss my granddad but I know I will see him again one day, I am coping with being a dad a lot better now, and I can concentrate a lot better now, I will not fail again, I'm doing this for Alfred Ward, AKA granddad.

I made friends with Jen, after making her cry numerous times while going out with her. I didn't want to do that again. I had forgotten what it was like to see her smile. I saw with her new boyfriend and she was happy, I sent her a text message after wards, it read "its good to see you smiling again, lv. Phill"

The end