AN: I know a lot of people aren't at home right now, but I decided to post anyway. Lil xmas present. And for those of you who don't celebrate xmas, think of it as a holiday present. Enjoy.

Chapter Thirty Four-Insight To The Past

I sighed, looking at the present I held in my hands. With great meticulousness I cut a piece of wrapping paper, enough to conceal the gift I'd picked out after spending a day at the mall, dragging Aaron around with me like a security blanket. In a way he was my security blanket… he literally wouldn't let me go to the mall by myself, because I supposedly didn't have enough sleep and I wasn't alert as I might have been. I'd only been up until four in the morning, studying. But he was just protective, and it was really sweet, and I appreciated it.

"Christina," Aaron mumbled.

I frowned, staring at the present from various angles, just hoping she would like it. Picking out a present for a little four-year-old girl.

"Are you sure she'll like it?" I asked.

"For the hundredth time, Tina, yes, I'm positive she'll like it. Although I don't see why you're getting her a present now. Her birthday was last week."

"I know, but I just thought it'd be nice."

I saw him smile, scrutinizing me. "You know, that's what I love about you. Your good heart i…" he trailed off. "Tina?"

I stared dazedly at him, hoping he hadn't said what I thought he'd said. He'd said it before, but that was without the 'I' somewhere in context. Now it was different.

"Tina?" he called again, wearing a confused expression.

"I… um… I think you should go," I muttered shortly.

"What?"

"I think you should go. It's getting late."

"It's eight."

"Aaron, please," I pleaded.

"O… kay. Sure," he said resignedly, picking up his coat from the chair it hung on as he walked out the door.

I barely heard it shut. All I could think about were those words. He'd said them, and for some reason, this time was so different. They stirred something within my heart, and I got so damn scared. I remembered when my dad used to say that to me, and then the only thing that came to mind was his abandonment of my mom and me, of the foolish illusions I'd formed in my mind of him.

What if I got too close to Aaron? I was so afraid I'd lose him, just like my dad. I knew that I was already too close to him for comfort–too close to feel security in my heart, because I'd hurt him or I'd lose him, and I'd come to care about him more than I'd have liked.

Biting my lip, I knew I had to do something. I had to distance myself from him somehow.

I heard sobbing from my mom's room, and went to investigate. There I found her hunched figure staring at what looked like a pile of old letters, as droplets of tears plopped onto the paper and rivulets of sorrow found their way down her cheek.

"Mom?" I squeaked, with a measly voice.

She looked up at me with puffy red eyes, lost of their lively twinkle.

"Mom, what's wrong?"

She bit her lip, looking back down at the pile of letters in her lap, fingering their yellowing paper. "I remember each date when he send me these. He was off on vacation a lot. His parents were quite well off as far as money went. They didn't approve of me because I came from a middle-class family, but he didn't seem to care. Every time he was on vacation, he'd send me little letters that I cherished with all my heart. A young girl, foolish enough to believe everything he wrote, I read them over and over, each night before I went to sleep, hoping that he'd arrive back soon."

Her mind seemed to travel to once upon a time. "I can still feel his warm arms around me, surrounding me with comfort. I'd always felt safe around him. And he always knew just the right things to say, to make me feel special and happy."

I could almost see a distant youth in her eyes as she reminisced upon the days of yesteryear.

"I really thought he loved me." She chuckled. "Shows how much I truly know. I guess that we started out like any other couple, loving each other with all our hearts, but along the way, something seem to change about it all, and slowly that magic between us deteriorated, one drink, one new dealing of drugs, one whore, at a time."

I winced, noticing the hatred and pain in her voice, and the way she spat those last words.

Staring at me, she seemed to return to the present. "But what's passed is only the past," she muttered, although I could tell she was trying so hard not to break down and cry again.

She quietly picked up the letters and put them on the bed, before walking out the door, leaving me shocked at her confession. Staring after her, I waited until she was out of sight before looking back at the pile of old secrets.

I picked up the worn envelope lying forlorn-looking on the top. Carefully, I flipped open the flap and pulled out the letter concealed within. Its appearance showed age, and I felt like I was intruding upon my parents' history, like a young girl doing something she knew she'd get scolded for. The letter lay heavy in my hand, as I unfolded it with quivering hands.

Dear Katherine,

I know that things are different. I've made mistakes. Everyone does. But please just tell me that you'll forgive me. It's been a while. People make mistakes. After all that I've done for you in the past, why is it that this is the only thing you think about? Can all of that trust and companionship that we've built up from the past be shattered with one act? Please trust that I love you. And please trust that you won't lose everyone you touch or everyone you get close to. I can tell you're afraid of losing. But please, just trust me. I must go, but I'll be awaiting your reply.

Alan

I lowered the letter, and wondered how in the world my mother's life could've been so connected to mine. It was almost like, as I was reading the letter, my dad wasn't talking to my mom, but to me–as if he was giving me advice, even after he'd passed away. Perhaps he was speaking the truth–that I shouldn't change my opinion about someone over one thing, and that people all make mistakes. Maybe I should give everything about his death another thought, and everything about Dea.

AN: I just wanted to say to all of you reviewers, I am SO excited I got to 600 reviews. Awesome awesome awesome! Thanks a lot to everyone who's reviewed. Sorry, but I'm in a big hurry, so no review replies. I'll do all of them next chapter. *winces* Thanks for the reviews! You guys are awesome!

.: swt hugs :.

~julia 12.25.2003