Why am I always a coward?
Why can I never express myself? Why am I always the one who has to hide and lie? Am I the one who always has to run away from you, to be afraid to walk close to you? Are you going to hurt me like everyone else, pull the true me out of hiding to exploit me, drive me back again with betrayel and deceit etched into my heart again?
It seems to me that you've never loved, you've never been loved...like some characters I know of. And like my own, I wish that I could show you the meaning of it all, show you the bad and the good, help you out of your shell. I said once that I'd try anything once, and I meant it. I also said that sexual preference meant nothing to me, and I meant that as well. You looked for changes in my after you told me you loved me, and you took everything as a negative. You found every flaw...And I hope I haven't turned you away.
If only you knew what I had felt...When we first watched our horror film for my 16th a few days ago, you jumped at the littlest of things and I wanted nothing more than to hold you close, to comfort you during the minor frights. When we held hands, I used the movie as an excuse. On multiple occasions I felt the urge to kiss you like I had once offered (and you have not yet answered my invitation), or at least lift your hand and kiss it. I wanted to curl up with you in my arms while we slept, at least hold hands under covers despite the others...
I hope I masked it all well enough...I don't want to drive you away...I hope you won't betray me...Because through all this writing I was trying to get a point across...Something I don't like saying aloud, something that may hurt me in the end...I love you.