Author's Notes: The story continues as I let go of some friends and moved on leaving the old me behind.

What We Do For Success
By Astarte Lyianai
Chapter Two

So I was finally happy and had everything I wanted. I had a group of friends. Everything I wanted. That was what I why wasn't I happy?

That summer I was rollerblading through Alresford a turned to fly backwards when I went ramming right into someone. This is where I met Phil. Phil, the tanned, muscled babe with the long blonde ponytail. He was fifteen I was not quite fourteen. Over that summer we started dating in the too good to be true fashion of wanted one thing. To use me and nearly succeeded. He hit me on several occasions and I was too scared to fight back. I was forced to give him a blow job in a forest and then in a tractor. When he tried to have sex with me he nearly close but I kneed him. Followed by a punch on the nose and a punch on the jaw. I broke that nose! Needless to say I didn't see him again.

That was it. After that came the long lonely winter. I made four suicide attempts in four months. Come March time I decided to have a go on the piano again. That was it. I was enchanted. I was friends with Liz and the gang again and I used music to let out my pain and fear.


She's sitting in a corner She's sitting in a dark that's growing She's clutching at a blade She's clutching at a tool that brings release

And do they see her bleed And do they see the blood that's flowing But it don't do no good Drawing blood only makes things worse and scars her skin

She only wants a friend They keep from her what she desperately wants And do they see her cry Is this what doing all those things was to achieve

And do they see her face And do they even want to know her And do they know her name And do they even see her when she's there

And all she sees is black She's caught up in her own depression Her name is ebony And all she really wants is to break free

They left her in the dark They left her all alone to cry When will they ever learn That everything they do comes back to them

She's caught up in a mess But when she smiles it goes away And she makes a good living And they all become invisible

She's trying to forget The past is left where it belongs Her future is ahead Where would she be today if she had given up

So never lose your hope Even you can have a happy ending Life is like a story Keep on going 'til you reach the end

That was my first real song. I started writing songs and playing the piano and I taught myself to play two handed and properly. Everyday I spent in the music rooms.

I felt happier than I had in a long time. Finally all my tears came to the surface and my other friend Mel helps me get through things. She's in her last year and I'm only in my third but she's only technically one year older than me. She has an amazing voice and an amazing guy chasing her.

But then I found myself being slapped in the face. I was falling for the dark haired guitarist in love with my friend and he barely knew my name.

Somehow however I eventually told him and then everything all went up in all directions.

I got weaselled into auditioning for the school play and a week later I was announced the leading lady of the school production of 'Twelfth Night'. And the day after that I became Adam's girlfriend.

The summer that year was much more fun than the previous one. I lost my virginity, was in love, defeated depression and had an amazing boyfriend. When I got back to school I started gaining friends and with it confidence. I got a guitar and started teaching myself to play.

The play got cancelled and down went my confidence. Down went the friends. Up went the bullying and up went depression. I was fighting to stay normal again and kept telling myself that I still had Adam and I would make it.

After that I started having worse panic attacks and more regularly than ever. I stopped breathing and passed up on several occasions and ironically when I woke up the first thing I said , I don't want to die. How ironic that after all my suicide attempts and depression, the closest I'd been to death and one person had changed my mind. I kept saying, Adam, I love you. I did. After all my disbelief in love I'd fallen. And really I didn't care that I was wrong.