He told me, Judas,
and he did not tell Peter, or James, and he did not tell you,
and there were there eight other men whom he loved as well, whom he did not tell.
But he told me, and I did not tell Peter, or James, or Andrew,
though Peter had asked that I ask, and James was my brother, and you, oh Judas,
you were in the hands of Satan already,
and I did not tell Peter, or any other of the nine men there whom I had grown to trust.
Did he love me better, that he told me?
Or did he trust that I would love you better, or maybe he
could not say aloud that it was you who would hand him over to death and
wanted me to tell Peter, and James, and all the others whom we loved.
Judas, he told me it was you, when he gave you the bread,
and you were just honoured, and stunned, a little, at being near to he and I
(I was always near to him, with Peter and James, but you?)
I did not believe him, Judas,
if it comforts you at all. I thought, surely he was wrong, mistaken
somehow. You were always quiet, you did your work, you heard his teachings,
you ate in quiet, and when you looked at me at all you smiled.
You had said all of ten words to me in your life before he told me, Judas.
And when he told me, I said nothing, to him, or to you, or to Peter (who had asked).
And we went to the garden,
I was at his side all the time, and I did not miss you, quiet
as you ever were at the back, humble, and not like James who always strutted,
or Andrew who talked far too much, or Peter with his questions.
I did not miss you, did the others? Andrew, who remained with the rest when
he took Peter and myself, and my brother further on. There were there eight,
eight who might have missed you while they waited. Did they?
He told me Judas,
and even as I saw the mob waiting, I thought, surely they had
followed, and you at unawares, but when James took my arm
when we fled, but you were calm I knew, but
I said nothing to James. let him know what he knew,
I did not tell him that He had told me it was you, Judas.
Peter spat, and cursed you
Judas, and he made your name a curse on all who were unfaithful
I said nothing, for I saw that unclean one in you, and not of you,
and Peter was always the angriest of men, but still I did not say that he had told me
it was you. And the words Peter used I wrote on my heart,
let me never use these words against him, or you, Judas.
I thought to tell you
that he told me, when you returned so struck with remorse
that you were broken, and even Peter would not turn you from us.
But you did not come back, for when the beast
released you, you were stricken. And he told us all, "Woe to he
that betrays the son of man, it would have been better for him never to be born."
And Matthew claims that you were greedy,
oh but to Matthew everything is money, and you were never,
moved by greed or I am blind, and cannot write, and Peter
Peter fears that he struck you dead with his words and will speak of you no more.
Oh, Judas, he did tell me it was you, and had I told you….
He told me, Judas,
that the one to whom he handed the bread was the man doomed to
betray the son of man, and he told none of the others there whom he loved,
nor I any of those men who loved me as brothers all,
nor did either he or I tell you, whom he had named with that bread,
from which I could see you took great honour.