Announcer : ( an enthusiastic, booming voice )Weeeelllcome ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, grannies and grandpas, to the another dull game show that can bore you to tears- It's
Audience: ( yells out with vigor )" JEPROSY!"
Announcer : And now, here's your host, the guy who asks the question to the contestants, who in turn answer in questions, then question the answers, and answer the questions, then question the questions and ask the answers when they don't get the question , and then.. ( background voices of ' Get that announcer off! Someone! Wrestle the mike from him! Shut him up! '. Then the sounds of the mike squeaking and being wrenched away. The voice of the announcer can be heard protesting, and as his voice fades sounds of something, ( or someone, ) being dragged can be heard. A timid, voice can be heard over the mike announcing nervously ' And now, here's your host, Alex Turnbach! '. The mike squeaks again before it is hurriedly turned off. )
Host, Alex Turnbach : ( entering from behind the background with outstretched hands and a huge plastic smile. He walks towards the audience aisles, and is right beside the three contestants booths ) Good evening folks! And welcome to. ( drum roll ) The Price is Right! ( adds happily " I always did want to say that . ". There is a moment of silence and the host stands there with a frozen smile on his face for some time before a hasty whisper from a nearby contestant informs him however that the show is not " The Price is Right ". The host then whispers back inquiring the name of the show and is told, but misinterprets and faces the audience back with a wide grin announcing " Welcome to .. Leprosy! ". The nearby contestant then smacks her forehead and shakes her head.)
Right. Now that the shows been introduced, let's meet our contestants shall we? Our first contestant comes all the way from China, and her name is ( adjusts glasses and starts putting his cue card that he is holding closer and farther from his face to get a better focus ) errr. ( in really bad American accent ) Lang-hi-SuNg-gi.
First Contestant: ( still smiling as she corrects him ) It's Lalihi sung Gi.
Alex: Uhm. Right. Now, next we have someone who is Polish and comes from Austria ( goes towards the second contestant, still with a huge grin, and with a wannabe Australian accent says ) G'day mate! And your name is Hans Brekinstein, I take it.( a smile and a nod from Hans, not to mention a sigh of relief. Alex shakes Hans's hand and greets him before going to the third contestant) Lastly, let us all say hello to the youngest contestant in the group, Laura Drake. (shakes hand of Laura and greets her before he walks back to his podium. ) Okay, now that that's settled, let's see what our three categories for today's show are: (. A 'blip ' computer like sound comes as each category is introduced and left on the screen behind the host. ) Fallacies of Relevance, Fallacies of Logic, and Whatchamakallit. Okay. Now, Laura, since you are the youngest ( adds muttering " And being the only American, instead of these blasted foreigners ) you get to start first. Now, what you do is choose a category, then choose whether you'd like a 100 pt. Question, 200 pt. Question, 300 pt. Question, and so on. The maximum you can get is 500. Have you got all that?
Laura : ( nods her head, and talks into the mike ) I'll take Fallacies of Relevance for 200 please.
Alex: ( Looks at cue card ) A man who has just been pick pocketed confronts the woman who has stolen his wallet. The woman tearfully looks at him and pleads ( does a lousy impersonation of a woman's falsetto voice ) " Oh please. I need the money for my 5 starving brothers, my unemployed father, my ill mother.. Surely a measly 2,000 dollars mean nothing to you. " Laura: ( claps her buzzer and energetically says ) What is ad misericordium fallacy!
Alex : That's absolutely correct! All right. Next please.
Laura: ( claps her hands happily ) I'll take Fallacies of Logic for 300 please, Alex.
Alex: During the times when witchcraft was most feared, men would use this type of reasoning to accuse a woman of being a witch.
Laura : ( buzzes in energetically, and answers in a matter-of-factly tone ) I know! I know! What is Ad ignorantum!
Alex: Correct again! Choose again Laura.
Laura: I'll take fallacies of Logic for 100 please!
Alex: You are new to a company when someone approaches you and asks you suspiciously " who are you? What are you doing here? Are you a spy for our rival company? Or did our president send you ? "
Laura: ( Buzzes before everyone again, as the other contestants look at her murderously, with their hands on their buzzers. ) What is Complex Question!
Alex: Right again, Laura! My, my. ( addressees the Polish and Chines contestants ) Since you two are supposed to be part of the smartest in your country, now I know why your countries are always second rate.( there are questioning looks coming from Lalihi and Hans, as they shrug their shoulders and look at each other dumbfoundedly )
Laura: ( buzzes in quickly )What is Hasty Generalization!
Alex: ( reproaches her with a icy glare and a frown) That wasn't part of the game, you blonde-haired, bubble headed bimbo. ( grins back and faces audience ) Now, next category please, Laura.
Laura: Uhmmm.. ( looks a bit dejected and part of her sparkle is gone ) I'll take Fallacies of Relevance for 400 please.
Alex: Advertisements usually use this trick to get people to buy their product. It is when they get lots of people to verify the goodness of their product.
Lalihi: ( buzzes in before any of the others get a chance to ) What it ad populam.
Alex: Correct. Lalihi: I'll take Fallacies of Logic for 500 please, Alex.
Alex: I was going to go on a diet today, but I'm sure one little bag of M&M's won't harm it.
Hans: What is argument of the beard?
Alex: Correct, Hans. And that adds 500 to your score.
Hans: I'll take Whatchamakallit for 200.
Alex: ( looks at card ) Ohhh. this is an easy one. Okay. What has four legs and barks?
Hans: ( buzzes first ) A dog!
Alex: ( mimics the sound of buzzer that is wrongly answered ) No, I'm sorry, that's not it.
Lalihi: ( buzzes in and answers cautiously) What is a dog?
Alex: No, I just said that that wasn't it. That's what's the matter with you damn foreigners.. you come to our country even though you don't speak a lick of our language! You either understand English or you don't!
Laura: ( buzzes in, and in a flat tone states )What is oversimplification.
Alex: What? ( looks at her perplexed ) Dammit, girlie, that ain't part of the game! The answer is, since none of you dimwitted bozos didn't get it, is " What is a coffee table ". C'mon! Even a 3-year-old kid would have known that! ( wide-eyed looks and open mouths from the contestants and shrugging of shoulders to each other follows. Shaking of heads are also seen. Alex straightens his tie and once again grins back at the audience ) Now, where were we folks? Ah, yes. Hans. Would you like to pick out a different category again?
Hans: ( looks hesitant to approach the mike, but gets the nerve to do so ) I'll. err.. take Fallacies of Relevance for 100 please.
Alex: Ohhoohooooo. A real ' safe ' guy, aren't we, Hans? Now, then. ( says menacingly ) Gimme your money right now before I beat you up. ( He pantomimes a gun in his pocket as he points it at Lalihi. Lalihi immediately goes wide eyed and grabs her nearby purse, putting one hand in the straight into the air, while the other is offering her purse to Alex. Alex looks at her questioningly , before realizing what she is doing. He then says in frustrated tones ) Eh? Nonononono! It's part of the game, you idiotic, pathetic excuse for a contestant! Put your purse away and answer the question!
Hans: ( buzzes in )What is ad baculum.
Alex: Yes. Correct.
Hans: ( nods his head curtly ) I'll take Fallacies of Logic for 300, Alex.
Alex: A friend of yours bought himself an expensive biology book, and the next day after the test results are given back, he has failed. He looks at you and says" I don't understand. Event though I bought the most expensive biology book there is, I failed the test. "
Lalihi: What is Non-sequilar fallacy.
Alex: Correct, Lalihi.
Lalihi: I'll take Fallacies of Relevance for 200, please.
Alex: A political candidate starts his speech by saying" You should not believe whatever my opponent claims he can do. He was an ex-convict for 3 years, and never even graduated college. "
Laura: What is ad hominem fallacy.
Alex : Finally. You got SOMETHING right. ( a bell goes off and before it finishes Alex grabs his mike and his eyes glaze over as he says robotically- ) Attention K-mart shoppers. ( he blinks twice and looks around him a bit dazed ) Oh.. uhmmm. ( straightens collar ) you are in the wrong place. yes. Now ( looks a bit confused ) where was I? Right. Ahem. ( turns head back for about one second and when he faces the audience, he is all smiles again ) It's time for round 2 in our game to begin. But, before we start, why don't we get to know our contestants first. ( heads towards Lalihi ) Now, La-lin-hu, Sung. You come from China, you are married and you are president of a bank. How does it feel to be able to join this game show and actually get to talk to me in person?
Lalihi: ( looks a bit off-guard ) Well, uhm. I can't say that you've been very pleasant, but I suppose that you seem like an okay guy. I guess.
Alex: Naw, really? ( still grinning as he gets a far away look ) Yes, people do say that I can be quite pleasant. But, once they get to know me they change their opinion right away. I can tell when they do because they get this disgusted look on their face that tells me that they are envious of my talents, of my looks, of my successfulness. After all, I may not be perfect, but I AM near it.
Lalihi: Well, actually, I said Unpleasant..
Alex: (cuts her off in mid-sentence )Yes, yes. I know how much you admire me, but we have other people to interview. ( goes towards Hans ) Tell me, Mike.
Hans: Er. My name is Hans.
Alex: Jimmy. You've been living here for 15 years, and now you are the owner of a small business. How does it feel to be able to get close to a great celebrity like me?
Hans: Well, I uh. Can't say that it was great knowing you, and incidentally, I've been living here since I was born, but I..
Alex: ( cuts Hans off mid-sentence as well ) Aw, shucks. You guys should know that flattery won't get you everywhere. Anywhere, yes, but not everywhere. ( heads for Laura )
Laura: ( before Alex stars introducing her, and she says in placid tones ) My name is Laura Drake, I am 22, and I think you are a jerk.
Alex: Why, Laura. What a nice thing to say. I may be 45, but you're right. I still have the body of a jock. ( Laura rolls her eyes and throws her hands in the air ) Well, now that we know everyone, let's get back to the game. Let's start this time with Laura, since she last answered. Remember now. The pts. are doubled in the second round.
Laura: I'll take fallacies of Logic for 600, please.
Alex: Ahh.. I feel so happy now. It must be because we're near the end of the game show. Yes. That must be it. It must be near the end, that's why I feel so happy.( Laura buzzes in first, but her buzzer seems to be broken as no sound can be heard. She looks at it oddly, but decides that she probably didn't press it hard enough. )
Hans: ( buzzes in ) What is Argument in a circle?
Alex: What? ( startled ) What th- nononoonnonono! I was saying how I feel. Why are you people SO anti-social. Are you ALL in a rush?! ( looks annoyed and straightens his tie. He looks at his cue cards and than talks ) Ahem. We are done with round one, and round two is almost ending. Therefore, our show must be done. ( silence ) Well? ( silence. Hans shifts uneasily from one foot to the other ) IT'S PART OF THE GAME! ( all three simultaneously reach for their buzzers, and Laura is the first one . No sound is registered from Laura's buzzer again and she frantically tries to buzz in.)
Lalihi: What is truth is in the middle fallacy.
Laura: ( tries her buzzer , but it still won't register a sound ) Excuse me, Alex. My buzzer doesn't work, and I buzzed in before Lalihi.
Alex: oh, Laura. Don't be such a sore loser! Now let's go on. Lalihi, next please? ( Laura tries to get Alex's attention, but to no avail. She keeps trying her buzzer again and again and is practically hitting it with all her might. She keeps trying to tell Alex that her buzzer is broken, but he just does not hear her. Meanwhile, Lalihi has chosen Fallacies of Logic for 800, when a loud siren goes off. ) Ohhhhh. you know what that siren means, folks. It seems that our show has just ended, and
Laura: ( cuts him off ) Alex, my buzzer doesn't work. That's the only reason why I didn't win. I should be the winner. I buzzed in more than those two have, except my buzzer didn't work.
Alex: Now, now. The show just ended. No more fallacies, especially a false cause one. I should know a non-causa pro causa fallacy when I see one - don't start blaming your buzzer for your loss.( wags a finger at her, then turns to audience ) Okay then! We'll see you next time on Heresy , Ladies and Gentlemen! I was your host, Alex Turnbach! ( there is applause, and Laura mumbles " I'm gonna kill him. He is dead. " Lalihi has won and is jumping up and down in glee. Hans has heard Laura and proclaims that he will gladly help her get rid of Alex. The applause echoes and the curtains close. )