88*****AT THE WHITE HOUSE?!*****
Bush III: Toodle tee doo, toodle tee dee, more and more American Empire for me-
Cheney: SIR! I have some DIRE news!
Bush III: OH NO! The world ran out of oil again?!
Cheney: ...No.
Bush III: Right, right, that's physically impossible...so what happened?
Cheney: Sir, at approximately 2 in the morning, dozens of terrorist attacks were unleashed across the earth, several of them within the USA. Plagues, comets that poison a third of the earth's water, fire and brimstone-
Bush III: Oh my!
Cheney: Yes, the situation is indeed dire, sir. At the current rate, the entire population of the earth will be dead before sunrise.
Bush III: Any word on what caused this?
Cheney: No one is taking responsibility, as of yet. But apparently, these attacks were planned out beforehand, and these attacks were detailed in the last chapter of this book. *Holds up bible*
Bush III: Get me the people who wrote this!
Secret Service agents drag in a couple of old skeletons*
Bush III: So, you knew all this would happen? How can we stop this?! TALK, DAMMIT! *punches skeleton*
Skeleton: *collapses into dust*
Bush III: A wise guy, eh?
Cheney: I don't think that'll work, sir.
Bush III: You're right. Oh, Grandpa was always so much better at torturing people for information than I was!
Cheney: There is but one last option, Sir.
Bush III: True. Unleash the might of the American Imperial Army. And get me some nachos.
Cheney: All we have are pretzels.
Bush III: KEEP THEM AWAY FROM ME!
******Nienna's house*******
Nienna: *staying awake in her room* Mm...goth poetry...yum. *hears rocks being thrown against window, opens it* Lakai? What the hell do you want?
Lakai: Right now? A candy bar. But that has little to do with why I'm here.
Nienna: Why are you here?
Lakai: Uh, the world is ending.
Nienna: Since I know that's not true, I'll just assume you have some strange desire to have me kill you.
Lakai: Oh, it's not like you were asleep anyway.
Nienna: Oh...yeah...but...SHUT UP!
Lakai: Anyway, the world really is ending. Get down here.
*Nienna runs outside*
Nienna: Hmmm...the tanks rolling over the corpses of civilians...the massive firestorms...yes, it certainly does seem as if the world is ending.
Lakai: See? I told you.
Nienna: Wow. Anyways, Lakai, doesn't it seem so unfair that I have to become a cheerlead-
Lakai: Nienna! Sweet Jesus Juices! It's the end of the world and all you can talk about is how you're stuck on the cheerleading squad?!
Nienna: Yeah, you're right. Let's walk.
Lakai: *as they're walking* You know what sucks the most about the world ending? I never figured out whether or not I believed in God.
Nienna: Well, now may be a good time to decide. What with the impending destruction of human civilization and all.
Lakai: Yeah, but there's just too much ambiguity. How can I decide?
Nienna: Lakai, it's the end of the world. Demons are running around killing people. I'm pretty sure God exists.
Lakai: Well yeah...but if I start believing, I'd have to go to church every Sunday.
Nienna: Lakai, there aren't going to be anymore Sundays.
Lakai: Really? Sweet. Guess I believe, then.
Nienna: You're so shallow it makes me want to vomit, sometimes.
Lakai: Yeah...but aren't you a goth? Aren't goths supposed to be atheists, or Wiccans, or whatever?
Nienna: Yeah...but I decided to give up the whole goth thing.
Lakai: Holy shit. You mean you're degothifying?
Nienna: That's not a word, but sure, why not.
Lakai: Wow. It really is the end of the world.
******INTERLUDE: THE LAST FUN DOOM TIME WITH ARSCHLOCH AND MAKKYS******
Makkys: *sleeping, gets a phone call* Hello?
Arschloch: Makkys! Makkys, the world is ending! No one is here at school to make my coffee!
Makkys: That's not the end of the world, sir.
Arschloch: Also, the world is actually ending. Open your window.
Makkys: Sir, I-HOLY SHIT!
Arschloch: Get your ass down here, Makkys. And bring coffee.
***At School***
Arschloch: Dammit, Makkys, it's the end of the world, you could have gotten better coffee than dunkin donuts.
Makkys: I'm afraid Starbucks had already been taken over by demons.
Arschloch: It had been run by demons all along, you idiot.
Makkys: Anyways, sir, what are we going to do now that the world is ending?
Arschloch: Don't you realize, this is the perfect time to take over the world? While everyone is fighting, we stand back, and when everyone's dead, we're rulers of this world!
Makkys: Sir, when the world ends there will be no more world.
Arschloch: Right, right. Well, guess there's nothing to do but lay back and die.
Makkys: You sure about that, sir?
Arschloch: Yep, Makkys. I may be a nazi-
Makkys: WHAT!?
Arschloch: But, you know, I know when the fight is over. The Earth had a good run, besides. Better that it ends now before it becomes redundant.
Makkys: *looking out the window* Look, sir! The US Army and Air force are fighting back against the enemy!
Arschloch: Really?! Awesome! If anyone was going to fight back, I knew it would be the Americans...them, or the Russians. Man, did that ever blindside us in WW2.
Makkys: Oh, wow...they're pretty much shooting anything that moves.
Arschloch: Heh, that's war for you. Well, it's been nice knowing you, Makkys.
Makkys: You too, sir.
Arschloch: You mean that?
Makkys: No sir.
*Bomb is dropped on the school where Makkys and Arschloch are*
*************************
Skiz: Guys!
Lakai: Oh, dammit.
Nienna: Is it too much to ask to die without ever seeing his face again?
Skiz: Guys, I know who the antichrist is!
Lakai: Ah, yes...I do seem to recall you saying something about that this afternoon. Strange, normally I don't bother remembering things.
Nienna: Lakai, shut up.
Lakai: Who the hell are you?
Skiz: Guys, the antichrist is Dave. I didn't want to betray him because he's my friend-
Lakai: No he's not.
Skiz: But now, to stop the world from ending, we have to stop him and that kid Null.
Lakai: Okay, but my car was blown up by a bomb.
Nienna: And my parents don't love me, so they never got me a car.
Lakai: I thought you said you dropped the goth thing.
Nienna: Sorry.
Skiz: Oh no! How will we ever get there in time?!
Nienna: His house is only a few blocks over-
Sin: *drives up* I can give you a rid! Getcha asses in here, fools!
Lakai: Sin! But after we called you the antichrist so many times, why would you want to help us save the world?
Sin: ...Are you serious? I mean, come on. If I don't help you, everyone dies. Christ. Get in the car.
***********LAST FUN MAKEOUT TIME WITH MAK AND ANGEL********
Mak: Angel, the world is ending.
Angel: You know what this means?
Mak: Pray for forgiveness?
Angel: No! As much sex as we can before we die!
Mak: I don't know, Angel. There's only so many times I can backstab my friends to have sex with you...and it just seems like I should be doing something more spiritual right now.
Angel: What's more spiritual than sex?
Mak: With you? Just about anything.
Angel: Fucking gasp! Did you just insult my 1337 skillz in bed?
Mak: I'm pretty sure I just did.
Angel: But...but...I can't be a snotty high school bitch if I can't actually have a reputation as divine in the sack...I...I...MY REPUTATION IS IMPLODING IN ON ITSELF!
Mak: You lost me after the second 'but.'
Angel: AHRHAHRHGGHNAK! *implodes in on herself*
Mak: Well, that was strange as hell.
US soldier: HEY! YOU! Are you a demon?!
Mak: No-
US Soldier: HE'S GOT A GUN! EVERYONE DUCK! COVER FIRE, COVER FIRE!
Mak: *shot to bits by soldiers*
******DAVE'S HOUSE*****
Sin: Here we are.
Skiz: Wow, it's guarded by an awful lot of demons, robots, and hippies. I wish we had bought some weapons.
Sin: I have a few AK-47s in the trunk.
Nienna, Skiz, Lakai: *stares*
Sin: ...What?
Lakai: Well, it's time to stop Dave from destroying the world. *takes gun*
Nienna: Lakai, if we all die tonight, I want you to know something.
Lakai: What is it?
Nienna: I never actually thought you were a total dumbass.
Lakai: Really?
Nienna: Almost.
Skiz: Ready to go, guys?
Sin: Well, seeya.
Nienna: Aren't you going to help us?
Sin: Nah, I got a dentist appointment.
Nienna: Isn't this more important?
Sin: Nothing is more important than the health of my teeth. *drives off*
Lakai: Whatever.
*Nienna, Skiz, and Lakai shoot their way down to Dave's lab, mowing down Hippies, Demons, and a Rush Limbaugh robot along the way*
Dave: Eh? What's this?
Nienna: Dave! What the hell do you think you're doing, asshat?
Lakai: Destroying the world without inviting us, shame on you!
Skiz: Dave, how could you become the antichrist?
Dave: It was rather easy-wait, what's that sound?
*Bush III busts through a wall, surrounded by the US army, the head of Stalin bursts through another wall, on top a gigantic robot, and deceased British author Douglas Adams bursts through another wall, for some reason*
Skiz: *pointing to Douglas Adams* See! I TOLD you the dead would rise from their graves.
Douglas Adams: I was told we would be saving the rhinos, here.
Bush III: *seeing Stalin* Oh ho ho! How does it feel knowing that our Empire became a thousand times more powerful than yours ever was?
Stalin: *crying* Pretty damn bad.
Dave: Everyone shut up! I'm trying to end the world here!
Cheney: So, a teenager was the antichrist, eh? Figures. Teenagers and your demons and such-
Dave: *shoots Cheney with laser*
Cheney: *disintegrates*
Null: Dammit, Dave, you've done a good deed.
Dave: Sorry.
Bush III: CHENEY! NOOOO! Who will make me coffee now?!
Stalin: Puny teenage boy, do not end the world! There's so much of it I haven't extended my iron-fisted rule over!
Dave: *shoots Bush III and Stalin* God, they just don't shut up.
Null: DAVE! More good deeds! Stop it, for the hatred of Christ!
Dave: Sorry, sorry.
Skiz: Dave, come on, don't be a douche. Why end the world? So many people have so much to live for. And besides, you wanted to take OVER the world, not destroy it!
Dave: Wait, we're destroying the world? I thought I got to rule over it for a thousand years first.
Null: Yeah, about that...the schedule had to be cut back, the world destruction part is taking place tonight.
Dave: Bastard, you LIED to me!
Null: Yeah, but it doesn't matter now! Once I push this button on this new Antimatter bomb you developed, the planet earth will be obliterated from existence!
Skiz: Not while I'm around!
Null: *shoots Skiz*
Skiz: *falls to ground* Remember me...as a conspiracy theorist.
Nienna: That's what we would have remembered you as anyway.
Lakai: Yeah, you kinda just wasted your last words.
Skiz: *dies*
Dave: Hey! You killed Skiz! Normally I'd be grateful, but you're being such an asshole I'm filled with mild annoyance!
Null: Hah! There's nothing you can do to stop me!
Douglas Adams: Oh, really?! *hits Null over the head with a chair*
Dave: Whoa! Nice going, Douglas Adams!
Douglas Adams: Hey, if the earth is destroyed, so are the rhinos. And no one wants that.
Dave: Erm...I don't know if you noticed...but the rhinos went extinct since you died.
Douglas Adams: Oh...that's a pity...*eyes Antimatter bomb button*
Dave: Eh heh...we're sorry?
Douglas Adams: Not good enough, sorry about that. *presses antimatter bomb button, disappears.*
Lakai: I forget, is that the thing we don't want to happen?
Antimatter Bomb: Detonation in 30 seconds! Have a happy apocalypse!
Dave: Well, shit.
Lakai: Well, any last words, anyone?
Nienna: Lakai, I-
Antimatter Bomb: Just kidding! WORLD ENDS NOW!
*The End*