2I honestly feel like I am going to die young. I mean, I'm not sick or anything, but I guess I want to die young. My death scares me because I'm not sure if other people know me enough to care.
When I was fourteen, I got my wisdom teeth pulled. I remember being put to sleep with laughing gas but I was so scared because I was losing control over my surroundings. The voices of the doctors were becoming distant but I knew they were right night me, and I remember the room becoming dark as I was spinning around.
Have you ever watched something on television where the girl was traumatized because she was raped? I was raped at the age of seven. I blamed being fat and having a low self-esteem on the fact that I was raped. In actuality, it was only an excuse because I was too young and naïve to understand what was happening to me. I knew the guy who "violated" me and I trusted him, and I also knew that I didn't want to have sex with a fifty-four year old.
In the seventh grade, I was a compulsive liar; however, I wasn't like the guy from Boys & Girls. I got my friends to believe that I knew the Backstreet Boys and it wasn't too difficult. I lived in a rich town of Southern California and anything was possible. I just wanted to be liked by the other girls who were so judgmental.
I moved to another rich town at the beginning of eighth grade. I promised myself I wouldn't lie as much and that I wouldn't claim to know celebrities. Well, anyway, that's where I met my best friend, Caitlin. I remember meeting her and feeling really stupid. Hah – I still feel really stupid around her. She gives out this presence that she doesn't care about anybody but herself and nothing is ever good enough for her.
Did you notice something? Yup, there is a lot of tension in our friendship. I mean everything we do is a competition whether it's boys, school, or other friends. Like at the beginning of my freshman year, I had a crush on a guy named Spencer. She said he was ugly and that I could do better. A year later, he comes into one of our classes and there she goes. She falls in love with him at the very first sight of him. She now claims that she never met him or heard of him before nor does she recall that I had a crush on him.
Nevertheless, we are friends. We can relate to each other unlike anybody else we know. I guess being friends for the past three years and spending almost every fucking moment together in public may be the result to that. Who knows?
I have so much to thank Caitlin for…she brought Seann into my life. I don't except anybody to understand how Seann affected me because it's too complicated. I mean, he taught me so much like love. Oh god, he taught me so much about true love.
I miss him.