Love, Cactus, and Tijuana

Opinions expressed in story do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the author

(At least this personality…)

"Let me just say, for starters, love can drive one mad! Insanity takes on many forms, love being one of them. Love can be so light and wonderful, but when I fall in love, I am on the edge! And when I say I fall in love, I fall hard. From the honor roll in Charlotte, North Carolina to an insane asylum in Death Valley?! Now is that love or what?"

"Oh, and did I mention that I am not insane? Love is insane, not me! That girl is insane. But you know what… I don't care about her at all. She's the one that drove me here. Her convertible drove me to the Death Valley Institute for the Mentally Ill!"

"Umm… why don't you tell me about your life back in Charlotte?" Cautiously questioned the psychotherapist.

"Why would you want to know about that stupid place? There's nothing there! Oh yeah, and her dumb trailer!" I answered irately.

"Who is this 'her' that you keep on referring to?" He questioned with a puzzled look in his eyes.

"Why do you want to hear about that dumb girl? She's nothing but a low-life anyway! And what's with all of the questions? Can I ask you some freaking questions? Why in the world didn't you have braces when you were a kid? I bet you wish you'd a had them now. Or maybe just some Crest would help…"

"Why don't you just start at the beginning, Englebert? Can I just call you Bert for time sake?

"No, you cannot call me 'Bert', call me Fred!"

"Why Fred?" Asked the dumbfounded psychotherapist.

"Can't a guy be called Fred if he wants to? If I have to live here at the nutty farm, I may as well be called exactly what I want to be called. Can I call you Xavier?"

"Whatever you want… Frank?"

"I am not Frank! I am Fred. And you are Xavier! And I am now your master! Get it right!" I demanded.

"We need to discover the root of your bitterness and figure out why you were wandering the desert, dressed in a chicken suit with ruby red slippers, while saying you just came from Las Vegas after marrying a cactus."

"What is your point? People marry cacti every day! We don't have any cacti in Charlotte, but there's always been an attraction there. Besides, a cactus is more cuddly then that Amber!"

"So her name is Amber?"

"Why do you want to know?" I screamed back at him savagely.

"I'll be right back, you stay right here!" He said in a degrading manner. He treats me like I am a child or something. That is when I decided he didn't make a very good slave.

"I am back and I brought some nice friends with me!" Said Xavier.

"Why are your friends wearing white? Especially those butch girls! Don't they realize big people should only wear dark colors?" I yelled quite rudely.

Right after I got off my fashion soapbox, one of Xavier's 'friends' in white bluntly put a needle into my rear end.

"What'd you do that for, Xavier?"

"It is called Lithium. It will make you feel…well… relaxed and groovy, or so to speak," he calmly explained.

Within a minute or so, I felt a calming sensation come over me.

"Are you ready to talk to me, Fred?" asked Xavier.

"Oh yeah, sure man. You wanted to hear about Charlotte, right?"

"Yes, tell me all about Charlotte," he stated trying to nudge me along.

"She was a cool little spider that Charlotte."

"Huh?" Questioned Xavier who was quite puzzled.

"It's too bad she died in the end. Poor Wilber was all alone…"

"Not Charlotte's Web, Charlotte, North Carolina. You did say that was where you were from."

"Don't you like Charlotte's Web?"

"I didn't say that!" Defended Xavier.

"What do you have against Charlotte's Web?" I said with tears in my eyes.

"Nothing, I just…"

" Are you heartless?"

"No, I…"

"I think I am gonna cry! Charlotte's dead and you don't care!"

"I care, Fred."

"You do?"

"Sure I do. I felt sorry for Wilber the… horse?"

"Wilber's a pig! You are heartless!'

"No I am not!" Defended Xavier.

"Can I have a hug?" I asked through a thick cloud of tears.

He slowly reached his arm out to hug me. It was a very quick hug,

"I knew a guy named Wilber back at home," I stated.

"How did you know him?" He questioned with growing interest.

"He was my Eagle Scout Troop Leader. He was the person who gave me the 'Outstanding Community Service Award'. That was at awards night at school.

"Tell me about awards night," he kept pushing me along.

"Wilber got an award."

"Your Scout Leader?"

"No, the pig! He was such a good pig."

"I am sure that he was… tell me about your award."

"Well, I remember I was wearing my favorite plaid suit with my very best pocket protector and my most fashionable black framed glasses. My hair, which was brown back then, was slicked back with tons of gel. I was accepting my "Outstanding Community Service award when I saw her."


"Do you think Charlotte needed glasses?"

"What? Oh… I don't think spiders need glasses."

"Yah, you're probably right. Can I have another hug?"

"After you tell me who you saw!"


"Yes," Xavier answered coldly.

"Amber O'Riely. She was at the awards night ceremony as part of her community service. The judge told her to work there that night. Can I have my hug now?"

"Sigh!" With that he gave me another awkward hug.

"I noticed that she always wore black and she looked like a Calvin Klein Model."

/Aren't those the weird looking models?/ Thought Xavier

"I think that's enough for now. Fred, get some shut-eye. We'll have our next session tomorrow."

"Can your friends give me some more lithium? I'll be a very good boy this time. I wont make fun of them or anything!"

Well, if you think you need it…"

"Drugs are good."

After the groovy girls in white gave me another shot, I was very relaxed. I tried to get some sleep, but through the wall, I kept hearing, "I'm a bird, I'm a plane, no, I'm superman!" This was followed by a thump against the wall.

/How can I sleep with superman next to me? I'll have to complain to Xavier tomorrow!/ I thought to myself.

Just as soon as I started to sleep, Superman started screaming "Like a Bird" by Nelly Furtado.

/Has anyone else ever noticed that "Like a Bird" makes no since"/ I thought.

After he quit singing, he started screaming about kryptonite in his pillow or something. That is when I decided superman must die!