I spent a great deal of my night plotting ways to kill Mr. Superman in the next cell. I hope to one day strangle him with his cape.
The sun rose and lit up my all white cell. This place could use some color.
I looked at my nutty farm issued outfit with its many buckles and sparkling white canvas fabric and realized this Jell-O diet Xavier had me on was really doing wonders for my waistline. screw Slim Fast!
While admiring my hourglass figure, I heard an all too familiar voice from behind me.
"Good morning. Fred is it?"
"Not Fred, Chuck," I replied back. "Before you say anything else, give me drugs. I am feeling particularly feisty after listening to superman all night."
"Chuck," said Xavier, "you wouldn't be using me for drugs now would you?"
"Are you questioning my judgment? As my therapist, I don't feel you have the right to question what I do with my life."
"If I give you drugs, will you tell me more about Amber O'Reily?" Sneakily questioned Xavier. He is such a sneaky lil' bastard.
"The girl you mentioned yesterday."
"Girls are gross. I liked cacti.. Can I have drugs?"
"Tell me about the awards ceremony, if you feel up to it," pushed that wacky man Xavier.
"Do you feel up to giving me more drugs? I would really like those sexy friends of yours to stick some in my ass."
Frustrated, Xavier called in the nurses and shot me up with some yummy drugs.
"Now, you say Amber was at this ceremony because a judge told her to be. Was this some sort of punishment?"
"Amber, oh what a slut! Do we really have to talk about her?" I pleaded.
"Well, she is the reason you are here, right?"
"Yes, damn bitch and her crazy ideas."
"What idea lead you here to Death Valley?" Pushed Xavier again.
I stood up from my bed and charged at Xavier. I pushed him down with my shoulders because I had no arms, and I plopped a big ol' kiss on his forehead. I then got up and returned to sitting on my bed.
"What possessed you to do that?" Asked a now terrified psychotherapist.
"Well, it all started that night at the awards ceremony. I was totally captivated by Amber. I was on stage accepting my award. She was across the room working some old Cub Scout leader for sex, and I just can't even describe what I felt inside. I mean, she gave me my first erection!" I explained.
"What does that have to do with you kissing me?" Asked Xavier who immediately after slapped his hand over his mouth. "Sorry, please go on."
"Fine, I'll never kiss you again!" I pouted.
"No, please go on with you story!"
I got up and kissed him again.
"What was that for?"
"Well, after I got my award, I went up to where Amber was sitting. she was at this point sitting on the old man's lap. I proceeded to tell her of my erection, and she looked quite intrigued."
/I won't even ask about the kiss/
"You told her of your erection?"
"Yes, and she told me that she could certainly fix the problem of my arousal."
"This sounds a bit forward."
"Well, she is a ho, Xavier."
"What happened after she asked to. solve your problem?"
"Well, she took me into the kitchen and threatened to cut off my penis with a butcher knife."
"I put my penis back in my pants after that."
"Well, that is probably good. Please continue! You are making great progress." Xavier took on a much different tone with me, one of interest instead of confusion. This scared me.
"Can I call you Gertrude, Xavier?"
"Why do you wish to call me Gertrude?" His confused voice was now back!
"People change all the time, so why can't names?"
"Fine, Gertrude it is." responded the psychotherapist with a great amount of frustration in his voice.
"Well, Gertrude, with my penis back in my pants, I went back out to watch the end of my ceremony with my parents. Amber sat next to my mother, and they talked about girl stuff like tampons and yeast infections."
"Your parents were there?"
"Why wouldn't they be?"
"You just haven't mentioned them thus far. I was only asking."
"I think you owe me a hug!" I exclaimed.
"Only if you tell me a little about your parents."
"Fine. They are dead now. My dad tried to host a luau in celebration of a girl talking to me after the ceremony. He didn't know the pig had to be dead first. The hog ate everyone at the party but me and Amber."
"Yeah, I know. Too bad it didn't eat her too. where's my hug Gertrude?"
Gertrude hugged me. His hugs have become much more fuzzy. Good Gertrude.
"Now, tell me what happened after the luau disaster."
"Well, Amber had a convertible and a dream of moving to Las Vegas. She told me I couldn't go with her because I was much to nerdy."
"How did you get here if she wouldn't take you?"
"I said that I am done on this side. Flip me over to the other side so that I can cook all the way through."
"Sizzle," Gertrude hissed.
"So, how did you get to Death Valley if she didn't take you."
"Well, after she left my luau, I went to Wal-Mart and got some cool kid clothes. I also washed my hair with this stuff called "shampoo", and found her house the next day."
"What did she think of you then?"
"She told me I was as hot as a man in a Golden Fried Chicken Outfit."
"Is that hot?"
"It is when you are wandering around the desert in one."
"We aren't to that part of your story yet, Fred, why don't you tell me about the beginning of your trip here."
"OUCH OUCH! I AM BURNING! OH, I AM ON FIRE! OWWWWWWWW!"
"Calm down, Fred, I turned off the burner."
'Oh, much better. don't call me Fred, my name is Frank."
"But you chastised me for calling you Frank yesterday."
"My name is Frank, Gertrude! You should always call people by their name."
"Well, I think we should take an intermission for lunch. Why don't we get you some Jell-O to balance out the lithium from earlier."
"Gertrude, can I ask for a favor?"
"Can I eat with my friend in the next cell? His interest in superman is fascinating."
"That is a bit unorthodox, but it could possibly be arranged."
"Oh, the fun begins!"