The Flood Of '98 Written by Gian Pogliano, Andrew Steeves, and Bryan Riley Based on true stories

Opening credits to the tune of "Scar Tissue" by the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

ACT 1, SCENE 1 A school bus is driving along a road in summer. It is filled with children. Another bus is in front of it. Inside the bus in the back, an overweight kid slides over to a grunge kid's seat.

Overweight kid: Greetings and salutations, Jeremy LaCost at your service.

Pause.

Grunge kid: Hey.

Pause.

Jeremy: Don't talk much, do you?

Pause.

Grunge kid: Nah.

Pause.

Jeremy: What's your name?

Pause.

Grunge kid: Joey.
Jeremy: Hi, Joey!

Jeremy puts out his hand, expecting Joey to shake it. After awhile, it becomes clear that Joey is not moving a muscle and has no desire to continue the conversation or shake the hand. Jeremy slowly moves back to his seat.

ACT 1, SCENE 2 Meanwhile, three boys and a bunch of girls are in the back of the bus, carrying on a conversation.

Andrew: You know what would be really cool? If aliens took over the earth.
Ray: No way! It would suck!
Andrew: No, no, not if they were, like, alien teenagers.
Jon: Alien TEENAGERS?
Andrew: Yeah, lazy alien teenagers.
Jon: Well what's their mission? To rid the world of Lay's Barbecue Potato Chips?
Andrew: Well, like, they're drivin' around the Milky Way in their little space Chevy,-
Sam: Space Chevy?
Andrew: Yeah, and they're just cruisin' until they get caught in a meteor shower and get hit by an asteroid and fall to earth. And they can't get back home, 'cause there aren't any alien repair shops.
Caroline: Alien repair shops?
Andrew: Yeah. Well, they don't call them that, of course, but...you know what I mean.
Ray: So, they'd be like normal teenagers.
Jon: Instead of mutilating cows, they'd just tip 'em.
Ray: Hey, did you see that movie Tommy Boy? Where they go cow tipping?
Jon: Yeah, where do you think I got it from?
Ray: And Chris Farley slips on the cow sh*t?
Jon: Yeah, that was pretty funny.
Andrew: So anyway, they're all, like, laughing at our primitive Sony Playstation and Nintendo 64, and so they introduce VR.
Ray: And what happens? Do our brains blow up?
Andrew: No, no. We think that VR is really cool, and play games on it. But then, the teachers would find out about it, and they would make VR teaching programs. And then, VR sucks.
Jon: Oh, yeah, VR sucks, that makes perfect sense.
Andrew: Then, they bring their alien cows.
Ray: Alien cows?
Andrew: Yeah, duh. And these cows didn't provide milk, they provide hard liquor.
Tierney: What?
Andrew: Well, They get drunk on milk 'cause their internal sh*t is all f*cked up, so they produce hard liquor, like vodka, and gin.
Tiffany: Oh, that makes perfect sense.
Andrew: (ignoring her) So then, they discover the couch.
Ray: The couch?
Andrew: Yeah, They used to have couches, but they got new technological couches, and they threw out all the old cushions because they were not of average intelligence. Soooo... now like, on their home planet, they have couches of the future, made of stainless steel with buttons and sh*t coming out.
Jon: Heh, heh. Aliens are stupid.
Andrew: Um... ok. So anyways, they managed to take a old Pinto and put wings on it. They loaded it up with their couches and their cows, and started up the new spaceship. Unfortunately, since it was a Pinto, it blew up in orbit.
Ray:...That was really stupid.
Tiffany: I have a story, it's called Andrew is an *ss. One day, there was a kid named Andrew... he was an *ss! He told his stupid stories that amount to *ss.
Sam: Andrew, did your story have a point?
Andrew: No. Not really. But I think it's better than the *ss story.
Tiffany: One day, he was sitting on his *ss on a bus, talking about *ss.
Jon: Nah, the *ss story is better.
Andrew: D*mmit!
Tiffany: Ha ha. Andrew, you're an *ss.
Andrew: Well, I have a new story. It's about wax figures, and how they come to life to steal people's souls in the night.
Tiffany: (stops laughing) No, don't remind me.
Ray: What? Remind you of what?
Andrew: When we went to France during the summer, we went to a wax figure museum. Tiffany got scared and swore that the wax people were watching her. I told her a little story I heard about wax figures.
Tiffany: Shut up Andrew, that's not funny.
Andrew: Once, a long time ago... there was a witch, named Tiffany.
Tiffany: Hey!
Andrew: She had an enemy named Ray.
Ray: Hey!
Andrew: One time, Ray and his friend Jon...
Jon: Hey!
Andrew: ...Snuck into the witch's mothers house. The witch's mom's name was...Ms. Anderson!
Everyone: Yes!
Ms. Anderson: What?
Andrew: Nothing. Anyway, her name was Anderson, but her first name was Sam!
Sam: Hey!
Jon: What are you suggesting?
Andrew: Nothing. Anyway, Ray and Jon started stealing candle wax.

Pause.

Brianna: Candle wax?
Ray: What did we want with candle wax?
Andrew: Hey, I wasn't there, I don't know. But I do know that they stole candle wax. The witch found out...and put a curse on them.
Jon: This story is starting to suck.
Andrew: During the day, she put them in the sun to melt. In the night, They would hunt...for souls. Now, for your own protection, let me tell you what kind of people they like to possess. They like female. They like teenage. They like Oriental.
Tiffany: Shut up Andrew...
Andrew (describing Tiffany's appearance): They like girls with short black hair, and...holes in the knees of their jeans, and necklaces with beads, and T-shirts with Japanese cartoon characters on them, and Adidas shoes, and white socks and pink nail polish and-
Ray: We get the point, Andrew.
Andrew: Okay, just one last thing. They like girls named...Tiffany!
Tiffany: Ooog.
Andrew: Yes, ooog. You see, since the witch's name was Tiffany, they hunt for people named Tiffany more than any other person. The End.

Pause.

Caroline: I don't think we should let Andrew tell stories anymore.
Andrew: Wait! I'm not done. The moral of the story is...don't do drugs.
Ray: Hey, I'm Andrew, I make wild passionate love to vending machines and jump in front of moving vehicles.
Andrew: Ouch. I have one more story up my sleeve. I ask for silence among the audience, for this is a tale of woe. Once, a long time ago in France, there was an old French whore named-
Nneka: Wasn't this on Saturday Night Live?
Jon: Yeah..."my whore is dead."
Andrew: Sh. Marie. An old French whore named Marie. She moved to America, and after her sex change and age rejuvenation treatment, she took the American name of Ray.

Pause.

Ray: You sick b*st*rd...I'm going to kick your *ss.
Bus driver: Here we are, Butler skateland. Everyone off.

ACT 2, SCENE 1 Just inside Butler Skateland.

Joey: I hate that smell.
Jon: Whiner.
Andrew: C'mon Jon, let's not talk to this white trash.
Jon (with a laugh): Don't you mean pale trash.

They leave. Joey gets to the roller skate/shoe trade counter. A man who looks vaguely like Steve Buscemi is in front.

Man: Heya, kid. Gimmie yer shoes.
Joey: Unh.
Man: What the h*ll was that?
Joey: Unh.
Man: Whaat?
Joey: An Unh! Here's my shoes.

Man looks around and finally finds the proper pair.

Man: Here ya go. Have a good time. Er...

He looks at a piece of paper.

Man: ...I mean a rolleriffic experience.

Joey walks off.

Joey (under his breath): Loser.

Joey walks to a bench and puts on his skates. Jeremy walks over.

Joey (V.O.): Ah, g*dd*mmit. I say one word to him and now he's sticking to me like Herpes.
Joey (bitterly): Hey, Jeremy.
Jeremy: Greetings Joseph. Why aren't you skating with the others?
Joey: I can't.

Pause.

Jeremy: Then why'd you get skates?
Joey: You're all against me.
Jeremy: Come on! Tell me!
Joey: I didn't want to admit it in front of the others. I want to keep mum.
Jeremy: (laughs loudly) You don't want them to know you can't skate? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Laughing surrounds them, along with chants of "Joey can't ska-ate!"

Joey: Thank YOU!
Jeremy: Well, apologies, but I-
Joey: Get out.
Jeremy: But-
Joey: GET OUT.
Jeremy: Oh, um.
Joey: OUT!

Jeremy whimpers loudly and skates off.

ACT 2, SCENE 2 Just outside the food court. "Kung Fu Fighting" by Carl Davis is playing.

Andrew: God it sucks that the stupid school won't let us in the food court.
Ray: Yeah, no sugar policy my *ss.
Jon (like Roz from "Frasier"): I-need-chocolate!
Andrew: Eff this. Jon, Ray, how much money do you guys have?
Jon: I got two bucks.
Ray: I got four bucks.
Andrew: And I got five. That makes nine bucks. Ray, you go...
Jon: Andrew?
Andrew: What?
Jon: Two plus four plus five equals eleven, not nine.
Andrew: ...Oh. Ok. Anyhoo, Ray,-
Jon: I'm smarter than An-drew! I'm smarter than An-drew!
Andrew: Shut up. Ok, Ray, you go distract the teachers while Jon and I go in and get us each something. What do you want?
Ray: Friends who don't stab me in the back.
Jon: You want some fries with that?
Ray: Yeah, and some Skittles.
Andrew: Ok, Fries and Skittles for Ray. Let's go.
Jon: Hold on.

Ray distracts the teachers. Andrew and Jon go over to the video arcade area where a young boy with an MMS Fun in the sun shirt is looking at the video games and messing with the joysticks.

Jon: Hey, you're not supposed to be over here.
Kid: Yes I am.
Jon: Don't lie to me, we both know you're not.
Andrew: Yeah...we all know...you're...not.
Jon: Get back to the skating rink, and don't let me see you where you're not supposed to be ever again.

The kid walks off and Jon and Andrew sneak into the food court.

ACT 2, SCENE 3 At picnic style tables, Bryan, Gordy, and John sit and talk.

Bryan: So you were at that High School Night thing, right?
John: Yeah.
Bryan: Well you remember Bridget, right?
John: Yeah.
Bryan: What is up with that nose?
Gordy: Oh yeah, I know. That thing was huge.
John: It was like you couldn't escape it, it was so massive.
Bryan: If she went out in public it would poke some ones eye out.
John: She goes to a basketball game, and during a free throw she starts waving it to distract the player.
Gordy: No, she plays basketball and the coach always says, "whatever happens just keep your head up."
Bryan: She applies for a job at the Renaissance festival as a lance.
John: Why are we even doing this? Bridget graduated like three years ago.
Gordy: So? It's funny. Oh, she becomes a speed addict for a year, and when she's like 89 one day she's all "I'm feelin' this."

Pause.

Gordy: You know...'cause it took so long to get there... Yeah.

Pause.

ACT 2, SCENE 4 "Fly" by Sugar Ray is playing. Jon and Andrew are in the food court at the order bar.

Andrew: Yes, we'd like three orders of fries, two packages of Skittles, and a hamburger.
Jon: Don't forget my shake.
Andrew: Ok. And one shake.
Cashier: That will be 12.50.
Andrew: Oh crap. Ummm, since Ray not here, we can drop his Skittles.
Cashier: That will $12.00.
Andrew: D*mmit. Ummm, we'll take off his fries too.
Cashier: That will be 11.05.
Andrew: Grrr. Ok. Take off his Skittles.
Jon: Hey!
Cashier: That will be 10.55.
Andrew: Here you are.
Cashier: Thanks, and have a rolleriffic experience!
Jon: I am so sick of that d*mn phrase! Must you people push the bile to the top of my throat?

Pause.

Cashier: Yes.
Jon (in Kelsey Grammar voice): Oh, very well. You will learn the errors of your ways. I will one day come back and burn this wretched h*llhole to the ground, saccharine and all!
Andrew: This man does not speak for me.
Jon: Bloody peasant! I will kill you and eat your liver!
Andrew: Jon, take a step back and look at your situation. You're screaming at a cashier-
Cashier: -Handsome cashier-
Andrew: -Handsome cashier at Butler Skateland.
Cashier: Yeah man, I just work here.
Jon: Silence foul purveyor of icky evil stuff!

Jon storms off. Pause.

Andrew: He forgot his medication. Oh, wait...he's not on medication. Oh well, since Jon's not here...

Andrew sits down at the picnic style table in front of the jocks' and starts eating Jon's food.

Jon: Hey!
Andrew: Ohhh boy.

Jon chases Andrew away. Ray walks over.

Ray: Where the h*ll is everybody? Where the h*ll's my food?

ACT 2, SCENE 5 The jocks are at a picnic style table, Chu included, still talking about Bridget's nose.

Bryan: Her nose is so big, I bet it has its own congressman.

ACT 2, SCENE 6

Joey is still sitting where he was before. "The Way" by Fastball is playing. Tina, a large, joyful counselor comes over to him.

Tina: Oh, I love this song! JOOEEEY! Come dance with me!
Joey: Hnh-whuga!

The whuga comes in when Tina pulls him over and starts dancing with him.

Tina: Where were we going without ever knowing the way?
Joey: Yeek!

ACT 2, SCENE 7 "Amnesia" by Chumbawamba plays as Jon sneaks up to a teenager with his wallet in his back pocket.

Jon: Here we go...

Jon sneaks over behind the kid and reaches for his wallet. Enter Andrew.

Andrew: Jon! There you are!
Teenager: Whuh the h*ll?

ACT 2, SCENE 8 Jon lies on the ground, beat up, in a sprawled position. He twitches constantly. Andrew is sitting next to him.

Jon: Ow.
Andrew: Look, it's not as bad as you think.
Jon: I'm dying.
Andrew: No you're not.
Jon: You killed me.
Andrew: Oh, c'mon. You've gone through worse.
Jon: Grunt.
Andrew: It can't be worse than the time I almost broke your back.
Jon: Or the time you kicked me in the balls.
Andrew: Right, so...
Jon: Or the time you dropped me headfirst onto hard concrete.
Andrew: Ok.
Jon: Or the time you...
Andrew: Shut up!

Pause.

Jon: Andrew, prop me up so I can tell you my dying words.

Andrew props him up.

Jon: Only one thing can save me now...
Andrew: What?
Jon: Play "Semi-Charmed Life" for me on the studio thing.
Andrew: I'll do it.

Andrew drops Jon's head and it hits the ground hard. Pause.

Jon: Ow.

Andrew walks away.

ACT 2, SCENE 9 Andrew walks over to the music booth. "As Long As You Love Me" by the Backstreet Boys is playing.

Andrew: Make it stop!
DJ: What did you say?
Andrew: Um, I'd like to request a song.
DJ: What song? We have "MMMBop", we have "The Macarena", we have "The Sign"...
Andrew: Um, nnno. How about "Semi-Charmed Life"?
DJ: Well, we have that CD, but...no.
Andrew: Please?
DJ: Let me think about it...no.
Andrew: Why not?
DJ: It was already played today, now go away out of my sight.
Andrew: Fine you mule.
DJ: What did you say?
Andrew: Ok, that's cool.

Andrew walks away, then comes back.

Andrew: You own a tan car...right?
DJ: No...why?
Andrew: Every car in the parking lot that isn't tan is on fire.
DJ: Oh no, not again.

the DJ leaves the building. Andrew walks into the booth.

Andrew (Talking to himself): I don't know which is sadder, the fact that he believed me or the fact that this has happened before.

Andrew finds the CD, and plays "Semi-Charmed Life".

Andrew: Ok, I'm outta here.
DJ: Hey! Get that kid in the booth!
Andrew: Oh sh*t.

Andrew leaps over the wall of the booth onto the skating rink. The DJ chases Andrew around in the skating rink for a while and then finally they run off.

ACT 2, SCENE 10 Bryan and the jocks are still at the table.

Chu: Remember that janitor who was homeless? I hear he set up residence in Bridget's nose.

Andrew walks by the table over to Jon.

Andrew: There, are you happy?
Jon: Yes...now I have enough energy to kick your *ss!
Andrew: Um, no offense, but, I'd like to see you try.
Jon: Well...you've got a point. Oh well.

They get into fighting positions.

Gordy: Look! Andrew's gonna kick the crap out of Jon!
Bryan: (two hooting noises)
Andrew: Oh, be realistic, Jon. You don't have a chance!
Jon: You've never fought me while I'm high on revenge!
Andrew: It can't be that much different than when you're high on paint fumes!
Ms. Anderson (offstage): What did you say?
Jon: Nothing.
Andrew (a la "Nothing To Lose"): It's on, b*tch.
Jon: The cow says "mooo!"

They start fighting and rolling around on the floor. Andrew pins Jon and starts wailing on him.

John: Ten bucks on Andrew.

Chu casually looks behind him.

Chu: Ten bucks on Ray.
John: What?

Ray runs in and jumps on Andrew's back, making him fall down on top of Jon. They roll around and off Jon. Jon gets up and is apparently insane. Again.

Ray: This is for not buying my food!
Jon: That's it! I am really p*ssed off! I think my ribs are broken, and what's more, I have no food to heal it!
Andrew: It can't be worse than the time you-oof!

The oof comes when Ray punches Andrew.

Jon: That's it! It is time to smite all those who oppose me.
Kyle: Dude! I think Jon's on the fumes again!
Jon: Silence mortal! (in Sean Connery voice) There can only be one!

Jon jumps on them.

ACT 2, SCENE 11 Joey is sitting where he was before. All kinds of happy people pass him and he never moves a muscle and keeps on a frown.

ACT 2, SCENE 12 Andrew is lying in a heap like Jon was.

Andrew: Ow.

Jon walks over with Ray and Bryan.

Bryan: Her nose is sooo-

They stop when Andrew speaks and look at him.

Andrew: I'm dying. You killed me, Jon.
Bryan: Heh heh, b*tch. So anyway-

They keep walking. Pause.

Andrew: Aaah...f*ck! That's it, the final revenge.

Cut to Andrew at the side of the booth, looking at the DJ.

Andrew: I'd like request "The Sign" by Ace of Base.
DJ: Sure kid, and have a rolleriffic experience!
Andrew: Grrr...

ACT 2, SCENE 13 Jon is sitting at a picnic table with Bryan and the guys. Suddenly, "The Sign" starts playing.

Jon: Oh...oh God, no.
John: What?
Jon: I hate this song. It always reminds me of a traumatic experience from my childhood. I was at summer camp, and this girl had me dance with her while the song was playing, and I had to do it until the song ended. My God, it was embarrassing. And then, when the song was over, they played it back again. And I had to keep dancing. It took twenty excruciating minutes for the counselor to finally make them stop playing it. But it was too late. I had been changed forever. From that time on, every time I heard the song I spazzed out and started having nervous twitches. (sigh) Now I wish I hadn't told you that. There's only one person who wasn't there that knows-

Pause.

Jon (in gravelly voice): Andrew.

Short pause. Jon starts twitching.

Jon: Oh my God...it's..starting..!

He starts twitching horribly and spazzing out.

Jon: Aaarrr! I'm going insane-

Pause.

Jon: ..Thou whoreson zed! (like Samuel L. Jackson in "Pulp Fiction") And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger!

Jon stomps off. Pause.

Chu: Daymn.

ACT 2, SCENE 14 Two younger kids are sneaking into the arcade to the tune of "Du Hast" by Rammstien. They jump behind the wall separating the rink from the food court as a counselor walks by. He doesn't see them. They sneak out from behind the wall and go over to the arcade where some mean looking teenagers are hanging out, tapping on the sides of the games to the tune. The kids mime talk and the teenagers mime scream at them and chase them away. The teens then return to their post.

ACT 2, SCENE 15 Again, Andrew is lying in pain against the wall. A girl walks by and sees him. After still walking away, she stops and looks back at him.

Andrew (V.O.): Holy sh*t, she's hot. Oh crap. I can't let her see me like this. No matter how painful, I have to prove myself a strong masculine thing.

He gets up slowly. He stops for a moment.

Andrew (V.O.): Ow.

He finally stands up fully as the girl walks away.

Andrew (V.O.): D*mmit! How can I prove myself a man?
DJ: Okay, everybody, it's time for the famous Butler Skateland Limbo Contest!
Andrew (V.O.): Bingo.

ACT 2, SCENE 16 "The Limbo Rock" by Chubby Checker plays as everybody starts trying. Andrew goes under several times and falls on the third try.

ACT 2, SCENE 17 Andrew goes to the benches and sits.

Andrew: (sigh)

The girl comes over.

Girl: Hey.
Andrew: Hey. You must think I'm an idiot.
Girl: Eh, you all are.
Andrew (sarcastically): Thank you. You're too kind.
Girl: Sorry.
Andrew: No problem.

Pause.

Andrew: So, um, I was thinking, maybe we can-

Jon walks over behind the bench and speaks loudly, which abruptly interrupts their conversation.

Jon: Well, Andrew, I've decided that this whole immature foolishness of getting each other back for something is just that.
Andrew: Good. Now go away.
Girl: What are you talking about?
Andrew: Nothing-
Jon: well, he ate food I bought for myself and then I got back at him by trying to kick his *ss and our friend he also stole food from came and we both kicked his *ss and then he got back at me by playing a song I hate and then I beat him up again. So I've decided to let bygones be bygones.
Girl: Goodbye, Andrew.

She walks off. Andrew gets up to try and stop her and freezes.

Andrew: Wait!

Pause. Andrew sits back down with his face in his hands. Jon sits next to him. Spotlight on them.

Jon: Why'd she leave?
Andrew: I'll bygone you...!

Andrew jumps him and they both fall over the side to behind the bench. Andrew starts pummeling Jon.

ACT 2, SCENE 18 The girls from the bus are talking vacuously at a table with "MMMBop" by Hanson playing.

Tierney: Oh, did you see "Dawson's Creek" last night?
Tiffany: Oh yeah...
Brianna: Did you see that jacket Joey was wearing? Oh I want one just like that!
Tierney: Oh that would look so good on you!
All girls except one, Chelsea: (spastic half-giggling laughter)
Tierney: Oh, and did you see Pacey? He was so cute!
Tiffany: Pacey? You like Pacey?
Chelsea: Is this all we're going to talk about?

Silence.

Chelsea: What? I'm sorry, but I think there are better things to talk about than "Buffy The Vampire Slayer"!
Tiffany: It's "Dawson's Creek". Duh.
Chelsea: Well I don't care. I don't want any part of this idiotic, immature discussion. You're all acting like idiots. You're so concious on the body, you care nothing about what's inside.

Chelsea walks away.

ACT 2, SCENE 19 Gordy walks up to Joey.

Gordy (pretending to be friendly and talking to Joey like he's "the man"): Hey, Joe.
Joey: Shut up, p*ssysucker.
Gordy (shocked): What? What did you call me?
Joey: A p*ssysucker.
Gordy: And what the eff is that supposed to mean?
Joey: You suck p*ssy. You're a p*ssysucker.
Gordy (angry and spazzed): Why you, ooh, I'll kill, ooh, I, ooh...
Joey: Yeah, yeah.

Joey walks away. Gordy is still spazzed out.

Gordy: Ooh,-

ACT 2, SCENE 20 Jon and Andrew are sitting on the bench. "I Just Can't Wait To Be King" from the movie "The Lion King" is playing. Pause.

Jon: The music here sucks.
Andrew: Heh, yeah.

Pause.

Jon: Are we cool now?
Andrew: I guess.

Pause.

Jon: Andrew?
Andrew: Yeah?
Jon (pretending to be choked up): I love you man.
Andrew: What?
Jon: Kidding, kidding!
Andrew: You'd better be.

"Iris" by The Goo Goo Dolls plays.

ACT 2, SCENE 21

DJ: And now, here's the song you've all been waiting to hear, it's "The Y.M.C.A."!

The song by the Village People plays and everybody dances along and mouths the words like a big musical number, except Joey, who is still in the same place he was before. Chelsea is having a good time dancing, then notices him and stops. She continues throughout the entire rest of the song to look at him intently.

ACT 2, SCENE 22 Counselors are going around and telling the kids it's time to leave to the tune of "Inside Out" by Eve 6. The kids interrupt their activities and line up at the door.

ACT 3, SCENE 1

The kids are in the bus. Andrew and his crew are talking.

Andrew: You ever hear those old men sitting on rocking chairs on their porches, talking about the good old days? (in old man voice) Back in the day, we didn't have public trans-por-tay-shee-un. We had to walk all the way to school in four foot deep snow, and in negative forty degree weather.
Ross: Excuse me, Mr. Anderson...?
Andrew: Shup, young'un. Back in the day, we didn't have young upstarts like you messin' wit our stories on the good old days. Now shut up you little citybred whippersnapper dumb*ss!
Ross: Hey! You can't talk to me like that!
Tiffany: Ross! Calm down!
Caroline: Calm down, Ross. Just calm down.

ACT 3, SCENE 2 The jocks are at a window talking.

John: Wow! Look at all that water!
Gordy: Wow.
Bryan: Dude! That car is stuck in the street! It's really flooding!
All: Wow.

ACT 3, SCENE 3 The Andrew crew are silent.

Jon: Hey, is that a Surge bottle out there?
Andrew: No, that's Mountain Dew.
Ray: Yeah right! It's Kick!
Jon and Andrew (not in unison): No way, man!

Jon, Andrew, and Ray all chant what they think the bottle is.

Brianna: Shut up, you guys!

They are suddenly silent.

Bus driver: Aarg! D*mmit! Alright kids, we can't move in this water. Back into the skate place. I'll come in when we can leave and tell a counselor.
Jon: Oh, no! We're marooned at Butler Skateland! I mean, I knew I would die soon, what with Andrew here, but I don't wanna die in Butler Skateland! I don't wanna die in Butler Skatela-and...!

ACT 4, SCENE 1 Butler Skateland is closed, and all the kids are at a big table in the closed food court. "Closing Time" by Semisonic is playing. The man who looks like Steve Buscemi walks up to them.

Man: Hey. We're gonna turn the big TV on for you guys. Usually it's only for emergency announcements, but we realize that you gotta keep these kids under control.
Tina: Thanks! How cool of you!
Man: Don' mention it...

He turns the TV to "Arthur" and walks off. All the little kids are mesemerized. The older ones are disgusted and turn away from the TV, letting out the occasion al disgusted "oh my god".

Jon: Aw, great. Good thing I have my Mad Magazine!
Andrew: Gimmie!
Jon: No!

They struggle for possession of the Mad.

ACT 4, SCENE 2 "Dust N' Bones" by Guns N' Roses is playing. Joey sits alone at a two person table. Chelsea comes over and sits next to him.

Chelsea: Hi.

Pause.

Joey: Hi.

Pause.

Chelsea: Why do you sit by yourself all the time?
Joey: I dunno. I guess I'm just not happy.

Pause.

Chelsea: Why?
Joey (surprised someone asked instead of just ignoring him): What?
Chelsea: Why aren't you happy?
Joey: Have you ever seen "The South Bank Show" on Bravo?
Chelsea: I don't have cable.
Joey: Well, it's this English show about the arts. And it's always a different subject every episode, right? One week it's the ballet, another it's some famous violinist with no legs or some sh*t like that, and once, they had one about British comedy. And they have all the stars. Mr. Bean, Absolutely Fabulous, and a whole bunch of shows that nobody's ever heard of. And, thing is, all these comedians seem to be praising the great one. The best funnyman out of the isles.
Chelsea: Who is it?
Joey: John Cleese. And all these comedians are harping at him to get off his *ss and produce some more work, 'cause he used to produce all the time. So then they interview him. And they ask him, straight out, "Why aren't you producing anymore? Why aren't you doing more comedy?" And he answers like this: "When you're a child, you are told the rules to life. You are told of the strict order of the universe-the strict order of society. And that's that. And when you get in your teens and young adulthood, you begin to see the flaws in the order. You see that these rules in your life are silly, ridiculous. So you poke at it, you make fun of it. And that's where the comedy...anybody's comedy comes from. But as you get older, and hopefully wiser, you begin to see the truth. The truth that there is in fact absolutely no order at all...nobody has any idea what they are doing at-at all. That religion is a lie, that politics is a lie, that morality is a lie. And that-that everything truly is in utter chaos... And as soon as you realize this...well...it's just not that funny." I guess I got old before everyone else...
Chelsea: And you can't even try to be around others?
Joey: How can I be around them? They're ignorant. I can't stand ignorant people. I am superior to them...and...I guess that's where my problems come from. I suffer because I am superior.

Pause.

Chelsea: Joey...do you think I'm ignorant?

Pause.

Joey: No.

Pause.

ACT 4, SCENE 3 Andrew, Jon, Tierney, Sam, and Tiffany are sitting at a table with leftover lunch food.

Sam: Who wants a sensual grape?
Everyone: Ooh Me!
Jon: Please, me! I have nothing! So hungry... So hunngryyy... I'll eat anything!
Sam: Good, because they taste nasty. Ok, what else do I have leftover from my lunch?

She takes a Thermos out of her backpack and opens it. She is grossed out by what is inside.

Sam: Eeew. This stuff tastes like grass. No one would want to eat this. Want some Jon?
Jon: No!
Sam: But I thought you said you would eat anything!
Jon: Not this! This is the exception that proves the rule! I mean, come on!
Sam: Not even a little?
Jon: I don't eat grass, I smoke it.
Andrew: Duh. Oh well, I have Chex Mix, you loser.
Tiffany: Oh, I want Chex Mix!
Andrew: Well, that's really funny 'cause (yelling) you won't have any!
Tiffany: You're such a jerk.

Andrew pulls a box of Nerds out of his pocket and rattles it annoyingly next to Tiffany's ear.

Tiffany: Stop it!

Andrew pockets the box smugly.

Tierney: You really are a jerk, Andrew.
Jon: You know nothing of his atrocities. I'm one of his best friends. Just imagine the tortures he puts me through. In fact, I'm like, starting to have acid flashbacks... Something's coming back to me... Pizza lunch Styrofoam cup microphone!
Andrew: Oh yeah...
Brianna: What?
Andrew: We'll tell you. This happened last school year, at one of our pizza lunch fundraisers. Most of you were working, but Jon and I, among others, were miraculously spared.

Flashback to last school year in the lunchroom. Jon and Andrew are sitting at opposite sides of a round table, alone. Other students are scattered around. Tierney is at a faraway table. Ms. Anderson and many Jr. High students are working on preparing paper plates of pizza. Jon is served his from Brianna.

Jon: Thanks. Hey Andrew, what, you don't have any?
Andrew: Your powers of deduction are incredible.
Jon: Oooh, looks like somebody's a little cran-ky...!
Andrew: Shut up.

Pause. For no particular reason, Andrew starts scratching the side of Jon's Styrofoam cup of juice. Soon, a punch is heard. Andrew sits back. Jon turns the cup around. It is leaking apple juice.

Jon: Oh, crap! Andrew! Why did you do that? Crap!

Jon starts putting napkins under the cup. Andrew starts scratching the other side and punches in another cut.

Jon: Great. Now I can't drink it.
Andrew: Why don't you just, you know, suck it out of the hole?
Jon: What? No! I ain't suckin' nothin' outta no hole!

Pause. Jon bitterly starts sucking the juice out of the cut. Tierney, at her faraway table, sees it and laughs.

Jon (words blocked by the cup he is still sucking on): Don't mock me, for I was once like you.

Jon puts the cup down. Andrew punches another cut. Jon turns the cup so that the first cut is facing Andrew. Andrew scratches and turns the cut into a hole. Ms. Anderson comes over, pauses, then assesses the situation and gives Jon another cup to put the other cup inside. Andrew starts trying to make a cut in the new cup.

Ms. Anderson: Andrew, do you want a cup of your own to destroy?
Andrew: ...Yes.

Ms. Anderson gives him a cup. Eventually Andrew bites off parts of one side of the rim so that it soon fits around his nose and covers his mouth. He starts singing "Self-esteem" by The Offspring into it, though the cup badly muffles the song.

Brianna (V.O.): Is that true?
Jon (V.O.): Yeah, just ask Tierney. She laughed, remember?
Tierney (V.O.): Yeah, it's true.
Andrew: (muffled, still singing)
Jon: You know, you're destroying the Ozone Layer.
Andrew (muffled): F*ck you.

Pause. Andrew tries to grab Jon's pizza slice.

Andrew (muffled): Hah!
Jon: Nooo!
Sam (V.O.): He tried to steal your food?
Jon (V.O.): Why are you so surprised?
Andrew (V.O.): Bite me Jon. That never happened.
Jon (V.O.): You hole, it did! That's it! I'm telling them what happened after you tried to eat my pizza and I wrested it out of your miserable hands.
Andrew: Hee hee. I'm an evil little b*sat*rd. Yes I am! Yep, I really suck.

Ray walks by as a server and Andrew holds him back by his rolled up sleeve with one hand.

Andrew: Hey Ray, did I ever tell you that Jon is the coolest guy alive? I mean, in comparison, I suck big fat rhinoceros dick.

Back to the present in an immediate cut. Very short pause.

Caroline: That isn't true, is it?
Jon: It is! I haven't told you a single lie!
Andrew: F*ck you, you lying sack of sh*t.
Jon: Awww...the dream is over.

Pause.

Tierney: You know, Andrew, the way you're holding that Chex Mix makes it easy to steal.

Tiffany grabs the Chex Mix and starts eating them in vigor.

Andrew: No!

Andrew Dives after his Chex Mix and misses.

Andrew: That's it, time for the ultimate revenge!

Andrew pulls out his box of Nerds, rips off the top, and dumps it on Tiffany's head.

Jon: Hey, you just wasted some good Nerds!
Sam: Not really.

Sam starts grabbing and scooping up spilled Nerds from the floor, table, and Tiffany's head. Ms. Anderson comes over, annoyed by the noise and the Nerds.

Ms. Anderson: Don't we have a no sugar policy?

Pause.

Andrew: ...No.
Ms. Anderson: Don't lie to me, Mr. Stevenson.
Andrew: Do you honestly think I would break the rules?

Pause.

Andrew (bitterly): Okay, fine. Besides, those aren't my Nerds, they're Jon's.
Jon: Say wha?
Andrew: (to Jon) Yopu know it. (to Ms. Anderson) He got p*ssed off at Sam and dumped them on Tiffany's head...I mean, He got p*ssed off at Tiffany and dumped them on my head. Wait! P*ssed at Tiffany, dumped on her...wait...no!
Jon: Everybody's p*ssing and dumping on everybody in your story.
Andrew (desperately): No! That's not it! Jon got mad at Tiffany and placed...no, put...no. Jon dumped Nerds got no! Sam off mad wait and them. (looks downcast) Oh...I lost, didn't I.
Ms. Anderson: Before you even opened your mouth. Come on, follow me! You're going to the principal's office!
Jon (sarcasticly): Wait a minute...
Ms Anderson: Sorry, force of habit. You're grounded!
Andrew: Uh oh, maternal instincts kicking in.
Jon: Major in loco parentis.
Sam: Loco is right!

Ms. Anderson grabs Sam and pulls her up off the floor.

Ms. Anderson: That's it, you come with me too. I'm sure we can arrange some sort of ducking stool on the roof. And as soon as we get back to school, you're in detention.

ACT 4, SCENE 4 Chelsea is still talking with Joey.

Joey: I just feel like I can't take any more of it.
Chelsea: Any more of what?

Pause.

Joey: Life.

Pause.

ACT 4, SCENE 5 The bus driver enters and walks over to Ms. Anderson. Andrew and Sam are standing by her.

Bus driver: Alright, the water is just low enough to drive in. We should be back by eight P.M.
Ms. Anderson: Well, I guess that'll have to do. Let's go, everyone! Line up!
Man: I hope you all had a rolleriffic time!
Almost everyone: Arrrgh!

ACT 5, SCENE 1 A line of children leave Butler Skateland and enter the bus as "Foolish Games" by Jewel plays. The bus leaves slowly as Joey looks out the window. Right at the end, all the lights in Butler Skateland go off.

ACT 5, SCENE 2 The kids bump along in the bus, looking tired and bored. Pause.

Tina: Hey everyone! Why are we lookin' so honkin' unhappy all of a sudden? Let's sing!

She starts singing "The Ship Titanic".

Tina (singing) : Oh they built the ship Titanic, to sail the ocean blue, and they thought they had a ship, that the water couldn't get through, but the good lord raised his hand and said "that ship will never land!", it was sad when the great ship went down.
Jon (at the same time as "but the good lord..."): Oh my god, no.
Andrew (at same time as "it was sad when..."): Make it stop! Make it sto-hop!
Tina (singing) : It was sad, so sad, it was sad, so sad...
All except the older kids (singing): It was sad when the grea-at ship went down, to the bottom of the...

The song continues as Andrew and Jon talk.

Andrew: We've gotta do something!
Jon: I got it! We'll just drown her out.
Andrew (in British voice): Drown Tina out? Are you mad?
Jon: Just follow me...and sing loudly.

They both start singing "Self-esteem" by The Offspring very loudly. Tina notices and she, in turn, sings louder.

Jon: C'mon, guys! We've got to take a stand! Let's do it!

Now all the older boys are singing the song, even though most of them don't know the words.

Bryan (to Andrew): We don't know all the words, you dumb*ss! We gotta choose something more universal!
Andrew: Fine, then sing "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star".
John: What? I ain't gonna sing no p*ssy*ss song like that!
Jon: Fine, then we'll sing "Jumper".
Bryan: Why don't we sing "Sabotage" or "Intergalactic" or "Gotta Fight For Your Right To Party"?

Long pause.

John: Dude what the h*ll?
All the older boys (not in unison): Yeah.
Andrew: Man, those aren't songs.
Bryan: You idiots! There is no hope for you!

Pause.

Jon: Sooo..."Jumper" it is, eh?
Andrew: Yes. Yes it is.

All the older boys starts singing "Jumper" loudly. Outside, the warring vocal chords are heard clearly in rain as the bus speeds along away from the camera.

ACT 5, SCENE 3 The bus is still driving back from Butler Skateland. The singing war is over. Andrew walks to the front of the bus.

Andrew: Hey, Mr. bus dude. Can you let me out here?
Bus Driver: But it's raining.
Ray: Yeah, Andrew. Where're you going?
Andrew: Home, duh.
Jon: But it's raining!

The bus stops at a stop sign.

Andrew: I heard you guys the first two times. Anyway, it's better than detention.
Ms. Anderson: Don't let him off this bus!
Bus Driver: Sorry Kid.

Short pause.

Andrew: Yeah, me too.

He hits the lever and jumps out the door. His feet land in a foot high puddle.

Andrew: Ahh Shi-
Ms. Anderson: Andrew, if you walk away from this bus, I swear, you will never get to college!
Andrew: Ms. Anderson, don't swear, it's not nice.
Ms. Anderson: Andrew, I mean it!

Pause. Andrew seems to be in thought. He starts walking calmly and at a moderate pace along the wet roads.

Ms. Anderson: Close the door. I'll deal with him tomorrow.

The door closes and the bus drives on. As it leaves, a mud ball hits Ms. Anderson's window.

ACT 5, SCENE 4 The bus drives into the school parking lot to the tune of "Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life)" by Green Day. A bunch of cars are in the lot with parents inside, waiting. The vacuous girls all run to a small coupe they carpool in. The jocks see their parents' cars.

Bryan: Why're they here? We go on the bus.
John: Dude, the next bus leaves at 10.
Bryan (sarcastically): Oh, how convenient.
Kyle: Shut up and get in your car, man! It's pouring out here!

They go to their cars, which soon drive off. Momentarily, Jon's and Ray's cars go also. In slow motion, Chelsea walks towards her car with her Dad. She looks across the lot at Joey walking alongside his dad to their pickup. His father is screaming at him. Joey shouts back as he gets in his side. Chelsea continues to watch. The truck starts up, the fight continuing visible inside, and drives out of the lot, as Chelsea's saddened eyes get an extreme close-up. End credits to "Semi-Charmed Life", then "Don't Think Twice, It's All Right" by Bob Dylan.

THE END