17I ran my fingers through his hair again, watching the sandy colors fall back into place. Forgive him? And he asked so nicely too.
I closed my eyes and sighed, just enjoying the soft touch under the pads of my fingers. Forgive him.
"Nic?"
"Shh, I'm thinking."
I could forgive him, and we could end up this really happy couple, get married later on and move out of New York. Maybe even move to Miami. And then there we would have this huge house, full of all these little trinkets that we would have collected from all over the world, because our honeymoon would have been a trip to many different foreign countries because he would eventually have a much better paying job. Then after we're settled for a bit we can adopt kids. I've always thought when I got older and more mature that I would have kids. We could have a little boy and girl, and then buy a dog. And a cat for me since dogs are so loud and annoying. Unless it was a small dog. We would start saving immediately for a childrens' college fund and have piece of mind. Then we could spend nights drinking cocoa with the kids while watching TV before me and Jeff would head back to the bedroom to have hot and wild sex without the worries of disease and pregnancy.
Or...I could not forgive him. And then we would part ways, after we have hot and wild sex as a parting gift. Then Jeff would go back to the office and I would be alone in my cold apartment smelling stale sex before I forced myself to rise from my bed and begin looking for a new job. I would then be unable to find a job and be forced to get rid of my apartment and all my stuff and move to a local alley in the Bronx. I would there have to sell my body to old men for money to buy myself cheap booze so that I could drink with one of my tricks while we watched his porn before we headed back to the bedroom and I was raped and let for dead, but all without the added worry of Jeff cheating on me or playing any more games with me.
Choices, choices.
I felt him Jeff shift beside me, curling up in a fetal position around me.
"Well?"
"You asked very nicely."
"So, you forgive me?"
"No..."
"What?"
"...and yes."
"Um."
"I can't...this is so hard. You hurt me. A lot. I don't think I could do that again..."
"I..."
"I know you're sorry."
"Ok."
I turned my head to face him, touching his cheek gently. "I think...I think I really like you."
Dammit. Wrong line.
He arched an eyebrow.
"I mean...I mean...uh...yeah. I don't want to be too sappy. Because I really like you. More than really like you. I think I might love you...but I don't. I don't want you to use that against me."
He smiled.
"And...I don't know what to do now, you made my whole life turn upside down, and I know that's really really corny. But you did. And maybe, it was for the best, but you also made it for the worst. I would have been fine had you never come in and did what you did. I could have kept on, doing my routine life things without having to worry about someone else. And that's what I had been planning to do when I grew up when I was younger. I was only planning to ever worry about myself and never have to bother with someone else in my life. But I can't do that now."
He nodded.
"I don't know what to do now. I want you to tell me how you feel, but then again, I don't."
He smiled wider and touched my forehead.
"Um...how, how do you feel about me? And, and why does that sound so stupid saying it like that? I sound like all those stupid soap operas on telelvision, all those wimpy women who have..."
I blinked, watching Jeff lean in closer and press a kiss to my mouth.
Uh...Ok.
"You just go on and on. No wonder you're a journalist. It's a place for you to go on without anyone having to hear it."
I blushed.
"But it's cute. You have such unique ideas."
"Unique..."
He kissed my nose and sighed. "I really like you too."
"Really?"
"Really really."
I mock glared and pushed at his chin.
He laughed and sat up, looping his arms around his knees loosely.
"So..uh, what do we do now?"
"We do whatever you think we should do."
"I, I'm not very good at this stuff though." I sat up as well, turning to look at him.
"Well, we could keep this up, and stay on the floor for a long time. Or we could get up and get something to eat."
"But, I never really forgave you."
His expression died, "No, you didn't."
"Jeff..."
He stood up and wiped his hands on his pants, "I have to go to the restroom."
"Wait Jeff..."
"I'll be right back."
He head to the bathroom, leaving me watching him go on the floor. I stood up, running my fingers through my hair, what am I going to do now?
Ok, I can forgive him. I already told him how I feel. And I partially forgave him. But what is there to tell me that he wouldn't do what he did again?
Nothing.
There is nothing.
I sighed and headed to the kitchen to get myself a drink.
He was just the same amount of niceness the first time he did this. He was just as stubborn, just as fun, just as perfect. And then he changed. When he was done.
What would he do when he finally gets tired of me?
Will he leave again?
Will he run off and sleep with other people without letting me know?
Will he run off and sleep with other people and let me know?
What if we don't last a week?
What if he dies?
What if he runs off, never telling me where he is going?
I felt my stomach get a little queasy.
There are so many things for him to do. So many things that would hurt me in the end. I closed my eyes and rubbed my forehead.
How would I keep him if we were to end up together?
Why am I even doing this?
I poured some orange juice and drank it down quickly, pouring myself another glass.
This is exactly why I never wanted to end up with someone.
Forget the happiness I could get from it.
Forget the loneliness I wouldn't have to experiance anymore.
Forget the warm feeling of having someone.
Forget the feeling that someone is with you to be with you.
I shook my head and rubbed my eyes.
I'm going crazy.
Wow, he's been in the bathroom for a long time.
I looked at the clock.
Ten minutes.
In the bathroom?
I swallowed the last glass of juice, washing it out quickly before I made my way to the bathroom door.
Is there a window in there?
No.
Or is there?
No, there can't be. How would he escape anyway? Go down a few stories by toilet paper?
I knocked lightly.
Nothing.
Maybe he didn't hear me.
I knocked a little louder.
The door swung open and I stumbled backwards a few steps.
Jeff arched an eyebrow. "I was gonna be out soon."
"I, I thought you had disappeared out the window."
He looked behind him into the bathroom, "Uh...there is no window."
"I, I know that...I just..."
He frowned and scratched the side of his face. "Well look, I'm gonna go now. I need to get back to my place and finish a story I have due tomorrow."
Oh.
Oh damn.
Oh damn, oh damn. What do I do now?
I fiddled a little with by shirt end.
"I...you...when..."
He was already headed to the front door.
"Jeff?"
He picked up his jacket and put it on.
"Jeff?"
He reached for the doorknob and I panicked.
"JEFF!"
He stopped, eyes wide.
"Sorry, sorry." I practically ran to get closer to him, tugging on his jacket sleeve. "When, when are you coming back?"
"Do you want me to?"
"Of..of course I do..."
I messed with the zipper on the shoulder. "If...if you want to come back."
"Hey, you can't do that."
"Do, do what?"
"You can't tell me that you haven't forgiven me and then give me the choice if I'm going to come back or not."
I stepped back. "Oh..."
"Yeah, so figure that out and then come find me."
"Jeff..."
He opened the door and shut it behind him.
I panicked again.
I wrenched open the door and stumbled into the hall. "JEFF!"
One of my neighbors who was unlocking her door glared at me.
Jeff.
Jeff.
I made my way down the hall rapidly, trying to catch up to him. Please.
There!
I ran into him, not even bothering to stop.
He pitched forward a little and grabbed at the wall.
"Jeff."
He fixed his jacket and hair.
"What?"
"You...you just left."
"I told you I was leaving."
I clutched at his waist. "I'm sorry. I forgive you. Please. Please." I kind of buried my head into his chest. "Please, don't go. Come back and stay awhile. I don't want to be alone anymore. I promise to take care of you, and love you, and do all the things that good boyfriends should do. Just, just don't leave me anymore." I swallowed. "And don't hurt me again."
His arm came up around me and hugged my closer to his body. "Ok."
"You promise?"
"I promise."
"Can we go get something to eat now?"
"Yeah...my treat."
"Ok."
I held him closer.
"Um...shouldn't we go?"
I nodded into his shirt.
"Nic..."
"I'm sorry. For making you hate me. For being so perfect and good."
His hand touched the top of my head.
"I love you Jeff."
"The feeling's mutual. Believe me."
"Good."
"Let's go eat now."
"Ok."
I made myself throw away all the 'what ifs' and 'whys', because everytime I thought about that, I realized that they really didn't matter as long as I was happy. And if Jeff should ever decide to leave me, I'll have no other choice but to leave with that. I'm glad that I made the right choice and forgave him, he deserved a second chance. And should he lie and do what he did again. I'll be prepared.
Because twice is one time too many.
.The End.