Jen*
By R.C. Carpenter

Loneliness.
Loneliness for someone
you can't have right then
or have lost forever.

My main problem
is the lost forever kind.
It just comes back
every now and again.
This desire to see her,
hold her,
kiss her,
caress her.
I miss her smiling at me
like I was the most beautiful person she'd ever met;
she, who *is* the most beautiful person
I've ever met.

I think back on her
holding me,
and telling her secrets,
and sharing mine in return.
I miss her softness.
Her tenderness.
Her fragility.
And, in counterpoint, her strength.

I miss her free spirit,
her connection to the world,
the earth,
all that was good
and free
and feminine.

(And her evil side...)

I miss her manly side-
her desire to dress me up
pretty,
show off her BB gun shooting skills,
her love of pain after a long hard day
with her horses,
her love of the horses
and the manly smell of them.

I miss everything about her.
And I can't say I wouldn't go back to her
if she'd take me.
I can't say
I wouldn't leave my world
to be part of hers,
because
I know
I would.

Devil succubus.
Such a tormenting mistress,
enchantress,
angel.
She was addictive.
Physically, emotionally.
She enters your life,
and she doesn't leave.
The pull to find her,
hold her,
be her willing and ready slave
lingers eternally.
I would do practically anything
for her.
Practically.

One kiss...
would it be enough?
Would it sate this thirst I've had for her,
thirst that's kept me parched for 3 full years?
Would it end it,
or make that pull come back
a million times stronger?
Would I have been better to let her go?
To never have known her tender embrace past that day...
August 15th, 1999.

I went back to her in December.
I saw her.
Had to.
I went back to her in February.
Had to.
I skipped after school activities
in April and May
to be with her,
in the JV Football field,
eating ice cream,
holding each other,
talking about life.

Her life had taken such a horrible path,
one I never wanted to see her go down,
one that she adored.
She was a druggie,
a big druggie.
She was probably only going to graduate
because they wanted her out of there.
But she was happy despite it all.
Happy...
and with me.
For a little while longer.

And she'd taste like menthol cigarettes,
and she'd smile like she was plotting
evil things
(and who's to say she wasn't?),
and she'd tell me that
she loved me...
And I'd tell her I loved her, too.

We could just hold each other,
or walk,
in silence
and not feel awkward.
I feel awkward
with other people though sometimes,
when conversations dim.

I think I haven't found
another girl to be with
because no one lives up to those standards.
She's ruined it-
she's too glamorous,
too gorgeous.
No one can ever be her equal
or better.
It's why...

Why,
my red-haired goddess,
do you torment me still?
Either come back
to take what you've claimed,
or release me...
please...

6/18/03