Internal Death
I would never look him in the eye
A shame really, his eyes were beautiful
He loved me and I think that on some level I loved him, too, I did a long
time ago at least it seems like a long time ago, time doesn't mean much
anymore though.
But it was far to complicated, to much to think about
The sex was good. at first anyway
Soon it all just became a routine, on really bad nights, it could be called
a chore
I had been yelled at so many times about it too
He wasn't so thick that he didn't realize I wasn't really there
At first he didn't seem to care, but I guess a person can only take so much
They can be pushed too far over the edge
It's strange, I knew he was hurting, I knew I was slowly killing him
What did I care, I had nothing left, I was already dead
I had been dead for a long time
In a poetic sense I was just a shell of the person I use to be
The person he use to know, the person I use to know
My identity had been lost to me for a while now, but I still knew him
What was left of him anyway
He confronted me so many times and made threats every time
I had stopped taking them seriously
Even if I had taken it seriously I am not sure I would have stopped him
He did what I had wanted to do for a long time
He ended it, just like that, in one second that was all it took
No pain, no loneliness, nothing, not even darkness
Just nothing.
I wanted it, I had tried so many times in all the ways possible, but I
couldn't do it
I would get so close and then I would just stop
He did it though, on the first try too
I hated him for that; it was so easy for him
I waited too long, if I had done it earlier when I still had life to take I
could have
He stopped me then, insisting that there were still things to live for
Nothing could save me, not then and certainly not now
Now I don't even live outside anymore, I stay in one painfully white room
You open up to someone and they just pack you away like a lunatic that
'could cause harm to themselves or others' as they say
I couldn't cause harm to anyone, defiantly not myself
Remember, I'm dead.