2/*~*/*~*/*~*/ *~*|*~*\*~*\*~*\*~*\
THE PERFECT LIFE
characters:
-Hansen
-Finn
-Mel
-Nori-Nori
HANSEN'S ROOM
(Hansen sits alone on a chair reading off of some papers in his lap)
HANSEN
Finn Joliet ruined my life. Honestly she did. Before Finn came along, my life was great. Better than great, it was Perfect! I was popular with more friends than I could count! I had a girlfriend. She was beautiful, like a supermodel or something. But I guess good things don't last forever because everything's different now. I wish Finn had stayed in Ontario. But, no, she had to move into my town. My school. My life.
(Hansen stands and walks over to...)
CLASSROOM
(Nori Nori and Mel are in their respectful seats and Hansen enters and sits)
MEL
Hey Hansen, I saw this chick last night
HANSEN
Oh yeh?
MEL:
She was hot
HANSEN:
Hot? Like what kind of hot?
MEL:
Like Britney Spears meets Courtney Cox kinda hot. Real movie star kinda hot.
HANSEN:
Cool
MEL:
Now aren't you enthusiastic
NORI-NORI:
He can't say anything 'cause I'm around, ain't that right Han?
HANSEN:
Nori Nori, I wouldn't say anything
NORI-NORI:
Oh sure you would, admit it!
HANSEN:
Why would I if I have my sweet sexy girlfriend right here with me?
MEL:
Where?! Where?!
(Mel looks all around the classroom and Nori-Nori smacks him just as MS. DANIS enters with FINN trailing behind)
MS. DANIS
Now, now enough of that. Class, this is Finn Joliet. She just moved here from Ontario so I expect you to make her feel welcome. Finn, why don't you tell us a little about yourself?
FINN
I prefer big cities to small towns because in small towns everybody knows everything about everybody else. I like my privacy.
MS. DANIS
Uhm, well Finn, that's nice... Why don't you take that seat there?
FINN
Yes ma'am
(sits in the seat next to Hansen)
MS. DANIS
Since we have been studying autobiographies these last few monthes, I have an assignment for you. (groans from the class, Ms. Danis scowls) I want you to write a biography on yourself highlighting something you've learned in your life so far. I don't recommend doing a half-assed job on it either because this project is worth thirty percent of your project scores. As always, grammer, spelling and neatness count. Over one thousand words and it's due on Monday so I suggest you use the rest of your classtime wisely.
FINN
(puts hand up)
Ms. Danis?
MS. DANIS
Yes Finn?
FINN
How do you want it done?
MS. DANIS
Well, I don't have the time because I'm leaving for a conferance directly after school and won't be back until Sunday night, but I'm sure one of your classmates would be glad to help you. Any volunteers? No? Alright, Hansen Frasier, would you mind?
HANSEN
Uh well...
MS. DANIS
Thankyou Hansen
(Ms. Danis sits and starts to write in her notebook)
MEL:
(to Nori-Nori)
Look at her. Why is she wearing a mask? What a freak
NORI-NORI:
Yeh totally. I bet she was a druggie or something in Ontario. She spent all her money on pot and now she's so messed up she thinks that's actually her face
MEL:
Oh, I wouldn't put it past her. I mean, look how she dresses. All in black... I bet she's hiddeously deformed or something and doesn't want anybody to know
NORI-NORI:
Haha, What do you think Hansen?
HANSEN:
(uncomfortable)
Yeh, she's probably a real troll
MEL:
Yeh man!
MS. DANIS:
(looks up)
Melvin Tower. I trust you are working?
MEL
Yes ma'am
MS. DANIS
Let us hope so
(looks at watch)
No matter. Class is over.
I'll see you all on Monday
(Nori-Nori, Mel, Hansen and Finn gather up their things.)
( exits stage and Hansen turns to Finn)
HANSEN
Uhh...
FINN
If you don't want to help me, I won't mind. I'm sure I can figure it out for myself
HANSEN
What, you think I can't do it? (Finn is silent) The park. Saturday at four.
(Finn nodds and exits stage)
MEL
What a freak
NORI-NORI
Yeh.
HANSEN
Well, I'll see you guys later okay?
MEL
Yeh okay. Later Hansen
NORI-NORI
Bye Han
(Hansen exits, Mel and Nori Nori watching him the whole way. The second he disappears...)
MEL
Do you think he knows?
NORI NORI
No way, he doesn't have a clue
MEL
Good.
(they kiss)
NORI NORI
Oh you don't know how long I've been waiting to do that
MEL
Why are you dating Hansen? He can never give you what I can
(she shrugs and they kiss again)
HANSEN'S ROOM
(Hansen is sitting at the desk again)
HANSEN
Thinking back on it now, I guess was also partly to blame of the destruction of my Perfect Life. She paired me up to help Finn. I didn't volunteer or anything, she's just like 'Oh Hansen, you do it! I see that your life is wonderful and I'm all jealous of you and everything so now you're going to get detroyed! Mwahahaha'. And I thought teachers were supposed to HELP you!
Saturday came all to quickly for me and before I knew it, I was heading to the park to meet up with Finn.
PARK
(Finn is waiting for Hansen. Hansen enters)
FINN
It's almost five
HANSEN
Yeh
FINN
I though you weren't going to show up
HANSEN
Yeh well, here I am
FINN
Yes. And it's almost five
HANSEN
You already said that
FINN
Uh-huh
HANSEN
Why?
FINN
Because it's true. It is almost-
HANSEN
Almost five. Caught that
FINN
Well, actually, it's five after
HANSEN
Five after five?
FINN
Yes
HANSEN
Great. Let's get to work
FINN
Uh-huh (short pause) You did bring your books right?
HANSEN
...Oh darnit
FINN
You forgot
HANSEN
Yeh
FINN
You took an extra hour showing up and you still forgot your books?
HANSEN
Yeh
FINN
Great. Now what?
(long pause)
HANSEN
So what do you think of the school?
FINN
It's okay
HANSEN
Made any friends yet?
FINN
Friends? Hansen, I act in the theatre and did the children's ministry at my old church. I've never seen so many puppets in my entire life
HANSEN
Ah
FINN
Ah indeed
(pause)
HANSEN
Why do you wear that mask? What are you afraid of?
FINN
...I have to be home by six
HANSEN
Do you?
FINN
Yes
HANSEN
Should I walk you?
FINN
(quickly) No! No, I uh... I can make it on my own, I'm not a baby
HANSEN
Okay, well, study tommorrow then?
FINN
At five?
HANSEN
Yeh I guess
FINN
Don't be late
HANSEN
I won't
FINN
Five O'clock. Don't forget your books either
HANSEN
You better hurry. It's almost six
FINN
Almost six?
HANSEN
Five to
FINN
Ah
HANSEN
Ah indeed. Bye Finn
FINN
See you later
(Hansen watches Finn exit. When she's entirely off, Nori-Nori and Mel enter)
NORI-NORI
Hey Han!
HANSEN
Hey NoriNori, Hey Mel
MEL
Hey man, your study date over?
HANSEN
Yeh, she just left
NORI-NORI
Poor guy, forced to spend time with that (shudders) undefinable disgust
HANSEN
Hey, Finn isn't soo bad
MEL
Not so bad? What did she do Hansen, hypnotize you?
HANSEN
No
MEL
She's a loser
NORI-NORI
A loner
MEL
Yeh, that too. You aren't going to jepardize our friendship for that dork are you Hansen?
HANSEN
Nobody is jepardizing anything Mel
NORI-NORI
So you're going to stay a way from her?
HANSEN
Well, I... Uh...
MEL
C'mon man. Finn Joliet or us?
HANSEN
(thinks a minute) You guys
MEL
Alright! Thatta boy!
NORI-NORI
So anyways, Mel and me, we're heading down to the quarry tommorrow afternoon
MEL
Wanna join?
HANSEN
Sure thing, what time?
NORI-NORI
Four thirty, five o'clock
HANSEN
Oh damn... I can't
NORI-NORI
What?
MEL
Why not?
HANSEN
I'm tutoring Finn...
MEL
Well blow her off man! C'mon!
HANSEN
No way guys, no can do. I told her I'd be there and I don't like breaking my word
MEL
(sarcasm)
Gotta keep your honor huh? C'mon Nori-Nori, let's ditch this boyscout
NORI-NORI
Yeh, let the losers go play together
HANSEN
(shocked while Nori-Nori and Mel start to exit)
No guys! Wait!
(Nori-Nori and Mel stop)
HANSEN
Screw Finn. I'm in
NORI-NORI
Good!
MEL
Alright! She's just a loser anyways, huh Hansen?
HANSEN
Yeh man, total freakshow
MEL
Meet us at the park then. Tommorrow at five, okay?
HANSEN
Yeh. Five it is
(Mel and Nori-Nori exit, Hansen goes to...)
HANSEN'S ROOM
(Hansen sits)
HANSEN
Now that... THAT is the perfect proof. I almost lost my friends over Finn. But, no, that's not the end of it all. I spent my Sunday morning trying to decide exactly why they decided to meet at the same time and place that I was supposed to meet Finn. Something was up and I almost didn't go at all. Curiousity killed the cat so I guess I should be darn lucky I'm not a cat then, huh?
PARK
(Finn is waiting for Hansen)
FINN
(looks at watch)
Got five minutes left Hansen...
(Mel and Nori-Nori enter and Finn looks up)
MEL
Hi loser
FINN
My name is Finn
MEL
Waiting for somebody?
FINN
Yes
NORI-NORI
Hansen?
FINN
What does it matter to you?
NORI-NORI
Stay away from him
FINN
Excuse me?
NORI-NORI
Hansen is mine. Lay off
FINN
Well, I thought Melvin was yours... Or do people in small towns kiss each other like that as a greeting?
NORI-NORI
Why you... (bitchslaps Finn)
FINN
Ow. Well, that was rude
(Hansen enters)
HANSEN
What's going on here?
NORI-NORI
Having a bit of fun
FINN
Fun? You call this fun? What are you, sadistic?
MEL
Hit her Hansen
HANSEN
Excuse me?
MEL
Are you going to let her talk like that to your best friends?
HANSEN
Well, I, uh...
MEL
C'mon, do it! Nobody's watching!
NORI-NORI
Yeh Hansen, hit the masked freak!
HANSEN
But I...
MEL
Do it!
(Hansen hits Finn and she falls to the ground)
MEL
Alright Hansen! That was awesome!
NORI-NORI
Yeh, what a loser!
HANSEN
Awesome? No! No, not awesome! Oh my God, what have I done?
NORI-NORI
What do you mean Han?
MEL
Yeh man, that was beautiful
HANSEN
Beautiful? Finn is right. You guys are sadistic!
(Nori-Nori and Mel stomp off stage)
(Hansen tries to help Finn to her feet; she refuses and gets up on her own)
HANSEN
Damnit Finn! Why don't you take off your mask?
FINN
...Why don't you take off yours?
HANSEN
I'm not wearing one!
FINN
Are you sure about that? (Hansen doesn't reply) FINE! (rips off mask and throws it to the floor revealing a black eye) Are you happy now?
HANSEN
Oh my God, Finn! I'm so sorry! I-
FINN
Don't get all in a huff. This wasn't you
HANSEN
It wasn't? Nori-Nori or Mel then? I'll kick their-
FINN
No, not them
HANSEN
Who then?
FINN
Y'know why we moved here Hansen?
HANSEN
No, why?
FINN
To get away
HANSEN
From what? (short pause) Finn, from what?
FINN
...My father
HANSEN
He, uh... he (motions to her eye)
FINN
Yes
HANSEN
Ah
FINN
Ah indeed
HANSEN
That's why you wore the mask then
FINN
Everybody wears masks. The only difference is that you could tell I was wearing one
HANSEN
Yeh I guess so
FINN
I gotta go
(Finn exits then Hansen exits)
HANSEN'S ROOM
HANSEN
And that is how Finn Joliet ruined my perfect life. She came on Friday afternoon and by Monday morning my life is in shambles. My perfect girlfriend not so perfect and cheating on me with my perfect best friend. I never would have known if Finn hadn't told me. I guess the person who came up with the phrase 'ignorance is bliss' was really onto something. My perfect life is ruined but you know what? I couldn't be happier. (looks at watch) Oh no, I'm late!
(gets up grabbing the sheet he was reading off of and enters...)
CLASSROOM
(Mel, Nori-Nori and Finn are already in their seats. is at the from of the room and Finn isn't wearing her mask anymore. Hansen enters and takes his seat)
NORI-NORI
Traitor
MEL
Loser
MS. DANIS
Everybody take out your autobiographical essays; I'm coming around to collect them. (goes around and collects them, taking the paper that Hansen brought from the previous scene) Okay, class is dismissed (exits)
MEL
Both of us for her Hansen? Bad trade off
NORI-NORI
Later loser
(Nori-Nori and Mel exit)
(Finn gathers her things and Hansen walks over to her)
HANSEN
Finn?
FINN
Hm?
HANSEN
I'm sorry I hit you yesturday (no reply) What's wrong?
FINN
Nothing. Just... why?
HANSEN
Why what?
FINN
Why did you hit me?
HANSEN
I was jealous of you.
FINN
Jealous?
HANSEN
Yes. Envy.
FINN
Envious of me?
HANSEN
Yes. Everybody is.
FINN
Why?
HANSEN
You took off your mask.
FINN
So?
HANSEN
We're still wearing ours.
FINN
Yes.
HANSEN
Will you help me take mine off? I don't want to wear it anymore.
(Finn takes his hand, smiling, and they exit stage together)