Oh! Super Shukumorinebanzai no Chikara Love Apples!
Author manhandled his new book, "How To Write A 'Manga'-type Story In Five Minutes", over to his computer desk. He slammed it down and cracked his knuckles gleefully. "They won't know what hit 'em. I'll be rolling in reviews by the time the day is out."
"What are you cackling about?" Reader asked, sitting in a beanbag chair, bored. "You're not going to try to write another DBZ fanfic, are you?"
Author rolled his bulging eyes. "DUHHH. Of course not. That was stupid and infantile. Now I'm going to write something that will truly do my skills justice-" "Like what, a birthday card?" Author pouted. "Shut up. You won't be so dang flippant once you see how many people add my story to their Favorites list."
Reader sighed. "No, I'll just say 'I told you so'." She watched as Author flipped open his Bible-sized guidebook and began typing.
"Hmmm," he muttered, fingers flying. "The guide says to begin with a suitably anime-type bio for the lead character." Reader peeked over his shoulder. "You don't have many choices," she pointed out, staring down at the Character Archetypes page. Each template had a little checkbox next to it. "That's to keep track of which characters I've already used," he said, noticing her.
"Lesse what we've got. I can choose from a Perky Sword Wielding Heroine... A Perky Psychic Assassin... a Perky Half-Feline Heroine... a Perky Magical Schoolgirl... Darnit! Do they all have to be so ****ing perky?!"
Reader mused down the list. "Well, you could try the Angsty Half-Human Warrior Heroine," she suggested, pointing. "Or the Angsty Bishie In Shounen Ai Turmoil." Author stared. "...uh... I'll stick with the Perky Magical Schoolgirl."
They looked over the guidelines for the character. "'She must be a normal girl discovering her powers for the first time, in order to fend off the sudden onslaught of demonic forces'," Reader read slowly, running her finger down the page. She blinked. "I guess the protagonist makes the plot."
Author jumped up. "That's perfect!" he exclaimed. "Sheer genius! Nobody can resist Demonic Onslaughts!" He sat back down and turned the page. "Now all we need is a Cute Sidekick, an Even Cuter Love Interest, a Perky Best Friend, a Wise Mentor and an Evil Overlord." He grinned happily. "I'll bet someone could make an anime out of this!"
He sat back down and began slamming on the keyboard as Reader looked on.
"The Guide has a perfect template to use for character bios. It helps me to know every aspect of my character's mental and emotional identity, to make their personalities as realistic as possible!" he told Reader as he typed away. In a few moments he had come up with this:
Name: Shukumorinebanzai Tomoyoi
Nicknames: Shuku, Mori, Ine, Banzai, Tomoyoi, Yoi, Tomo, Shumori, Rini, etc.
Eye Color: Purple
Hair Color: Pink with yellow highlights
Friends: Kochima and Hiruko
Crush: Hiruki Mitsumo
School: Wakami Junior High
Fashion: A fuku!
Blood Type: O
Special Abilities: When she yells the phrase "Super Shukumorinebanzai no Chikara Love Apples!", she becomes Saviour no Shukumorinebanzai no Hikari Senshi Demon Slayer Tomoyo! She can hurl fireballs, and she has a nifty magic staff with some generic magic ability.
"I guess you really know every facet of Shuku's mind, now, huh?" Reader asked as she read the bio. Author nodded like an enthusiastic puppy dog. "You got that right. Isn't she the coolest?!" He flipped adoringly through the Guide. "It says that 'all names in the story must have a Japanese origin, regardless of whether or not the story is set in Japan'," he read aloud. He pointed to the screen. "Hence the name 'Shukumorinebanzai Tomoyoi' and 'Wakami'."
Reader sat back down on the beanbag with her knees curled up to her chest. "That's kind of stupid," she said. "If you're setting the story somewhere else, why should the names be Japanese?"
Author looked at her like she was crazy. "It establishes reader identity!" he replied, with a shocked expression. "And it means you're like, almost Japanese! Sheesh." He turned back to the keyboard, shaking his head in disbelief. "Every REAL OTAKU knows that," he said in disgust. He frowned, staring at the text. "Maybe I should add a 'mahou shojo' in there for good measure..."
He opened the Guide on his lap and scanned the pages under 'Setting, Demonic Invasion'.
The Guide spoke thus: "Once again, the nationality of your story must be as close to Japanese culture as possible without alienating the readers. This means that everyone must speak a kind of hybrid language (see page 47) of English and Japanese, and everything written about the schools and student behaviour must be taken from watching 'Card Captor Sakura'."
Author snapped his fingers. "Genius!" he muttered again; he knew that all Japanese schools were comprised mainly of wide, cheery hallways, girls wearing sailor outfits and all saying words like 'kawaii' and 'sugoi' between trips to the spacious library.
He flipped to page 47 and found a list of 'acceptable words to use in a True Western Otaku's vocabulary'.
konnichiwa: This means 'hello'. Technically it's used in the afternoon but most people don't know that.
gomen (nasai): 'Sorry'. Despite the fact that this may be overly formal for typical school children to use, remember, THIS IS JAPAN. Everyone is polite and cheerful (and perky).
kawaii: Means 'cute'. Possibly the most widely used Japanese word in the English Otaku vocabulary. It's perfectly okay to use this at any moment; use it as often as possible. People will marvel at your broad knowledge of Japanese culture.
minna-san: 'Everyone'. Although formal, most Otaku authors believe it brings some of the Japanese mindset to their stories, so use it copiously.
-chan: USE IT! NOW!
-sama: Use when the Demon Minions are speaking to their leader. Also when the children are speaking to their elders. This is unnecessary and culturally wrong (see 'minna-san'), but nobody will care because it makes you sound like you know your stuff.
arigatou: 'Thank you'. Never mind that practically nobody knows how to say 'you're welcome'(and we're not going to tell you for fear it will corrupt your dialogue and make it overly Japanese), this is a commonly used word and you can't go wrong with it in your arsenal.
bishie: Short for 'bishounen'. Technically means 'beautiful boy', but a good Western translation would be 'any hot guy'.
Despite the fact that the Japanese, upon hearing such simple terms used wrongly in such complex English contexts, would probably laugh their heads off at you, never mind. You are not writing this FOR the Japanese- you are trying to SOUND like them, you are trying to IDOLIZE their culture, and you are trying to show off your knowledge of Japanese terminology to other Otaku (despite the fact that they probably know the words as well as you do). You need not know ANY aspect of Japanese grammar to write like a True Otaku; just a few colloquialisms and common phrases.
Also, disregard the fact that 'otaku' is actually used as an insult in Japan, and has a secondary meaning of 'you'. If you are a True Western Otaku, you should not know this. Please rip this paragraph out and eat it, and then forget that you ever read it."
Author obediently tore the page in half and gulped down the pulpy mass. "Mmmm. Incriminating information."
He faced the keyboard and resumed typing.
Author and Reader are my own characters. I wanted them to have ridiculously generic names to offset the onslaught of Japanenglish swarming throughout the text. I'll probably use them for more FP satires, though.