James Matthews

Tuesday, 1st September

Dear Diary sounds like a really stupid thing to say to a diary when starting an entry. If I was going to call my diary anything, I think I would call it something like Laura or Emma or Kate or something really common. It would have to be a female's name because the only few friends I've ever had were girls and seeing as you are supposed to consider your diary as a friend, I think it would only be logical it was a girls name. Screw it. I hate how humans have to label everything with a name- we have to try and infect everything with our poisonous scent.

It is polite to introduce yourself to someone new, so here is a little about me. My name is James Matthews. I am 16 years old and I have never had a girlfriend. I am slightly shorter than average height with brown hair and hazel eyes and I am of the belief that having been given this, along with the other 130 students of my grade, will not benefit me by allowing me to release my stresses about the School Certificate.

Anyway M.D I am going now,

Until Later!


Wednesday 2nd September

Well, isn't it a rather lovely life we are forced to lead? Today I got bashed up again. The experience had an almost ritualistic feel to it, I think. You know, the usual name calling and shoving. Yet I was relieved from the expectancy I feel after being bashed so many times. They were kind enough to throw in a few rocks as well. Thanks boys!

What is wrong with me? There has to be something. I am taunted and teased for being me. We live in a society that is established on a theory of equality. Equality, my ass! If we lived in an equal society, there wouldn't be so much discrimination and bigotry in the world. For a while I have been toying with the idea of suicide. It would be so easy to do. I know that it wouldn't solve any of the world's problems, but at least it would be all over for me. Sometimes, I feel that there is so much hate in the world that I think I am about to explode. Solutions…. Solutions? There are no solutions! My life is a pile of horseshit waiting to be scattered across the gardens of a million people. How dare I think that the world is all about me? There are people dying of AIDS all over Africa because no one cares about them. I should worry about them instead of me! I hate myself… How dare I feel such self-pity?

God knows why people hate me! Hah! I bet he does- quite ironic when you think about it. My mum is always saying that what we do in our present life affects what happens to us in our next ones. Yes, it is my fault that I have a life of misery. I must've caused a lot of people pain. Perhaps I was a serial killer or something.

Friday 4th September

Anyway, after I left school, oh and after I'd had my daily bashing I arrived home to find my parents on the middle of one of their "discussions." I don't think mum and dad realize that the soundproof house they think we live in is actually a small fibro dump surrounded by nosy neighbours. Or maybe they just don't care. Generally when my parents fight I go for walks or decide to go and study in the park. Seeing as I got home in the middle of their fight I felt I couldn't exactly leave, so I crept into my room. As I was sitting in my bed I began to think. Why should I live this life of misery when I could just jump off a building and never have to worry about this crap life? As I listened to the snippets of screaming and "discussing" I was already writing my goodbye letter in my head. Dear Mum and Dad. I cannot live this life anymore. That was a good beginning. I then decided to write the "hard copy" later for Mum and Dad's viewing.

The next day as I was heading to roll call there was an announcement.

"Attention all students. There will be a full school assembly in the gym at the end of roll call. Please be prompt."

As we all trooped in many of us were laughing, but we all fell silent as soon as we saw the grim, distant expressions of the teachers. As we all trooped in to the school gymnasium I could help but notice Mr. Sandler our Principal. Who couldn't? Those staring eyes seem to attract people's attention like flies being attracted to a pile of horse poo. Mr. Sandler is the sort of man who you wouldn't be able to imagine dressed in anything other than trousers, a formal shirt and a tie. After he finished his drone, he looked satisfied- as if he had just completed eating a filling meal. Many people call him evil and "The 21st Century Hitler" but I know no one would actually say it to his face. One of the reasons being that he is the Principal and could probably flick us off to another school if he felt like it. Another is that when he speaks spit collects at the sides of his mouth, which eventually ends up on you, unless you want to be ducking every minute or so. The main reason though, is that he is about 6 ft tall and oozes with power- when he stands up you instinctively shrink back and forget what you had gone to see him for…

"Students of Penrith High, I received some bad news this morning." "A student of year 9, David Gleeson, was found on his bedroom floor this morning with his wrists slit. He had taken his own life. I know David was well known throughout the school because of his remarkable athletics.If any of you ever feel like you need someone to talk to, I urge you to see the School Councilor or talk to a teacher immediately. I am sorry. Please go to Period 2." When he said, "I am sorry…" I heard quite a few people mutter " Yeah right. I bet you are you cold hearted beast!" Just at that point, the cold wooden floor reminded me of the freezing tiles on my Grandma's kitchen floor. My Grandma always spoiled me. The half forgotten memory from when I was three years old started flooding back. A freshly baked cake stands above me on the bench- that smell of Grandma's cake covers me like a blanket. I can feel the light wind itching my nose like a feather when ribbed across your face. Far away in the living room are my parents talking civilly. They don't fight much. Then again they don't start fighting all the time for another 10 years. Outside the open window I can hear the faint humming of the Cicada's as they sing the day away…the memory is torn apart…

"Hey smart guy, you gonna get up today or what?"


"Yeah you heard me! That's more like it!"

After the freak had passed me I couldn't help but mutter to myself "It's ok Jim boy, you won't have to be worried about these guys for much longer!"

I was sitting in Ancient History- instead of taking my usual notes on the lesson I was lost in my own thoughts that had occurred because of the news of that kid... Gee suicide really DOES make a difference to other people's lives. Especially seeing all of those people crying. I wonder how his parents are? They probably feel like parts of their bodies have been ripped off. Yeah, I remember when my pet goldfish Goldie died, I felt really sad. I mean I know it's a poor analogy, but still the essence is the same. Once you've done it, there's no going back. Maybe there is other solutions- other that death that is. Beep Beep Beep! It was the bell signaling the end of the period. When I walked out of the room I noticed the new kid coming over towards me.

"Hi I'm Jonno Brown. What's your name?"

"Ummm… James Matthews" I mumbled

"Where are you off to?"

"Science in Lab 3"

"Hey me too!" Jonno exclaimed. "Mind if I walk with you?"

"uh… go for it…."

As we walked off to Lab 3 I thought for a while. A friend at last! There's a 1st time for everything.