~Before we begin, I do take requests. If you know of a rap you would like
intellectualized, feel free to suggest it in a review~

Rap Intellectualized: Eminem "The Real Slim Shady"

Would it be possible for you to divert your attention to my general
Would you be so kind as to notice my personage?
I request that the valid Slim Shady would please raise himself up
Let me repeat myself, I request that the valid Slim Shady would please
raise himself up
Oh dear, it appears that trouble is in the foreseeable future

Your assemblage seems that you have never noticed a person of Caucasian
To compare this to a cartoon, your mandibles would have dropped noticeably,
and possibly even made contact with the ground
This would be comparable to the turbulent couple of Pamela Anderson and
Tommy Lee bursting into this establishment
And proceeding to physically harm each other
Much worse than when they had first separated, an example would be Mr. Lee
physically hurling Ms. Anderson over several pieces of furniture
This is the return of- Please excuse me, I'm sorry, but you must be
attempting to fool me
To speak frankly, he did not pronounce what I believe him to have uttered,
am I mistaken?
For the man known as Dr. Dre explained-
Absolutely nothing, simpletons! Mr. Dre is deceased, he was confined under
my domicile
Women who campaign for feminine equality adore Mr. Marshall Mathers
Excuse me while I briefly imitate a turntable with my voice
"Ah Mr. Shady, I grow weary of him
Regard his actions, perambulating and visibly clutching his unmentionables
And making obscene gestures" "I agree, but his physicality has a certain
Whilst I do not deny that I may, in fact, have a slight mental disability
I dream of nothing more profane than the actions of two consenting adults,
joined in holy matrimony, within a private space
I admit that there are times when I wish I could appear on television
unencumbered, yet I am not allowed
However, Tom Green is allowed to simulate copulation with a deceased
"My buttocks have been placed upon your lips, my gluteus muscles are in a
close proximity to your face"
And if Mr. Green's luck should prove itself today, one might go so far as
to kiss his backside
And this is the message that is transmitted daily to American minors
And yet we do not expect them to understand the nature of the clitoris on
the female anatomy
But I do protest! I say that they shall undoubtedly understand sexual
Once they have entered into the average fourth year of elementary education
After all, the Discovery Channel explains these biological functions
And humans, though we tend to forget, are basely mammals
Some of us, cannibals, take it a step further and cut apart other humans
much like a ripe melon
However, I say that if we can copulate with deceased animals, such as
Then I feel that there should be no laws against two consenting homosexual
men to run away and marry each other
However, if your emotional reactions mimic mine, then you may believe that
I have the solution
But in the meantime, ladies, remove your undergarments and shake them about
in the air, here is the chorus, and it proceeds as follows

I am the valid Slim Shady
Affirmative, I am he
Should you meet any other Slim Shady, then I assure you that he is simply
an imitator
So I request that the true Slim Shady reveal himself, reveal himself,
reveal himself
(I humbly request that you repeat this chorus before beginning the second

Will Smith has remarked that he believes that profane language is
unnecessary for his records to sell
But I firmly believe that obscene words are needed, so excuse my foul
language, but fornicate him, and fornicate you, too.
Are you under the impression that a Grammy award means any importance to
I assure you that half of all musical critics do not care for my music,
some downright detest me
"Yet Mr. Marshall Mathers, in the event that you should be selected for
such an honor, would it strike you as strange?"
For what reason? I suspect that it would simply be a fabrication in the
hopes of having me seated next to Britney Spears
I would implore Christina Aguilera to trade seating arrangements with me
So that it would be possible for me to be placed between Carson Daly and
Fred Durst
And I could hear their friendly discourse regarding whom she fellated
before whom
The strumpet did me no favors when she appeared on MTV
"I do find him pleasing to look at, however I believe that he is already
married to a woman named Kim. It makes me giggle!"
I should illegally pirate her music files over the internet
Just to show the entire world that you, in fact, have already given me a
sexually transmitted disease!
I grow weary of the multitudes of talentless girl and boy bands, you serve
no purpose but to agitate me
And so I believe that it is my purpose to dispose of you
And there are many more who are just like me
Who swear like me, who live apathetically like me
Who imitate me in manners of dress, posture, verbalization, and mannerisms
And one of them could conceivably be nearly as good as I believe myself to
be, but he still wouldn't be the same as myself.

(I humbly request that you reread the chorus at this stage of the song)

To listen to me rap is like an experience that leaves you confused
Because I freely talk about subject matter that you would only discuss with
trusted friends inside your family room
The only difference between you and I
Is that I have the intestinal fortitude to pronounce it openly
Before large crowds, and I do not need to restrain myself or fabricate
offensive subject matter
I simply grasp a microphone and proceed to rap
And whether you will freely admit it or not, I routinely prove myself a
better improvisational rapper
Than a large majority of all other available rappers
And yet you still wonder how the youth of America can become so addicted to
listening to me rap, much like abusing a medicinal drug
And I find humor in the situation, because I project that at my current
rate of success, when I shall celebrate the 30th anniversary of my birthday
I shall be the only man in a nursing home daring enough to actively flirt
with the nurses
Grabbing their buttocks and giving them a gentle squeeze while masturbating
with hand soap
Well, I would attempt to do so, but I doubt that an entire bag of Viagra
would have much of an effect on me
Yet within each person there is a trace of myself hidden away
It would be there if your place of employment is Burger King, and you're
violating sanitation codes by expelling saliva into customer's onion rings
Or it could be located if you obnoxiously circle around parking lots
screaming "I do not care!"
With your windows rolled down and your sound system's volume raised to an
offensive level
So I ask one more time, will the true Slim Shady rise from the imitations
And raise a predetermined digit on each hand
And admit to being proud that you are mentally impaired and unable to be
And raise your voices together in glorious chorus one final time, what is
our rallying call?

I laugh
Because I believe that within all of us resides a trace of Slim Shady
So on second thought, let us all rise together