Rap Intellectualized: D-12 "My Band"

*Author's note: In keeping with the many members of the popular rap group D- 12, and in an attempt to present this song in a manner that is not confusing to read, this special edition of "Rap Intellectualized" shall be presented in a manuscript format.*

Eminem: It is beyond my understanding, sir
But it is my suspicion that my fellow band mates are unhappy and
harbor feelings of resentment
Simply for the fact that I am the foreman of our musical group
And I believe that, due to my status, my former friends do not view
our friendship in the manner that they once did
However, they will need to address such problems with me following
our performance this evening for. . .

Miscellaneous women I meet are not learned as to the designation of
my ensemble
But this does not stop them from paying special attention to me
For at the appointed time when I unleash my lyrical talents, they
will then know that I am destined for great things
All for that simple reason that I am the foreman of my company

My group! My gang! My crew!

After a show, I exit the arena and leave my voice amplification
Approach several beautiful ladies and greet them as such:
"Good evening ladies, my appropriate moniker is Slim Shady
And I am the most important member of the urban collection called D-
To which they respond "How lovely! We have wished to make your
"Rebecca, my friend, I am excited, for this truly is Eminem."
"I am at a loss for words to notify you as to how talented I believe
you are."
"It would be an honor for me, Mr. Mathers, if you would allow me to
perform fellatio on you."
And upon seeing this routine spectacle, my friends become invidious
More than ever when I decide that the music to which we are
performing is not good enough, and I entertain the fans by crooning
The women begin to shout, and the multitudes of comely women
Cast their brassieres and their blouses and their undergarments in my
And so, it seems to be a nightly occurrence, my musical companions
quarrel with me
But do not worry, as it is not of a serious manner
For every performance afterwards they remain by my side
I attribute this to their desires to assume the position at the
forefront from me
The other day my friend Kuniva brandished a dagger in my general
Come to think of it, this incident occurred shortly after I informed
him that Jessica Alba had agreed to be my fiancé
I believe that I was meant to live the life of a celebrity
The sole reason for the ill will between my friends and I is because.

(It is time to read the chorus. Well, that's not the reason for the
ill will and all, but it's in the chorus, so you should reread

Swifty: You regard us simply to view an African American being held
back, is this not the reason?
Mr. Mathers, I request to know why our services have not been
required recently
We play our roles splendidly and perform well
And yet while the rest of us must travel in a van, Eminem has
procured an entire means of transportation for himself
I firmly believe that if one does not wish to have my signature, then
they are speaking falsely
And by the way, this is Swift speaking, I am not Kuniva
I believe that there are major problems with our changing areas
For it is little more than a dot
I understand the art of rapping and I find that it comes easily to me
However, at our last performance, my only task was to read a novel
And so I am still doing my best in an attempt to make the hip-hop
world take notice of me
But the experience could be compared to engaging in calisthenics
whilst being flogged

Kuniva: Turn your attentions to that upstart crow who believes that he
is the Lord's gift to musicianship

Kon Artis: I agree with you; for example, look at how he now attempts to
invade the world of film

Kuniva: I say, unless I am mistaken, were we not scheduled for a
correspondence with DJ Clue?

Eminem: Rather, my underlings, it was I who was scheduled for such a
recorded talk, as neither of you were invited

Kuniva: My word, if you continue conversing with myself, your shall not
be afforded the opportunity to make sure that your microphone shall
be working properly this evening

Kon Artis: I have declined such an opportunity

Kuniva: I see the logic in your words, for our microphones never sound

Kon Artis: Yet his are habitually precise
I believe I shall currently voice my grievances
Excuse me, Marshall?

Eminem: Is there something you would appreciate discussing with me?

Kon Artis: No, I do not believe I do

Kuniva: Good sir, I was under the assumption that you were poised to
confront our unscrupulous business associate regarding his unfair

Kon Artis: I shall meet with him when I believe the circumstances are to
my advantage, and I request that you do not harangue me for my
decision to do so
On another note, being my friend, I believe it is your duty to
support me

Kuniva: I ask you to believe me when I say I was prepared to voice my
displeasure after your opportunity

Kon Artis: My apologies, but I simply do not believe that

Kuniva: I give you my word!

(At this turbulent moment, we ask you that revisit happier times by
way of reviewing the chorus)

Proof: It is widely asserted that a musical group's front man, unlike
his orchestra, enjoys an elevated social status
We began our journey in large venues, and yet now we find ourselves
performing in cheap carnivals
But I pledge to reveal my talents upon the world
Perhaps I should sabotage my companion during the show by removing
the external source of his microphone's power

Eminem: Good evening! Presenting. . .

Proof: I am prepared to lose my temper because of obtuse aficionados
Whenever they should proclaim "Sir, I admire your ensemble!"
We are no orchestra, you nitwit, for we do not perform our music on
musical apparati
And so we question why the ratio of payment may be shown as Mr.
Mathers receiving nine tenths of our revenue
And dim-witted admirers appear throughout the nation

Eminem: My friend Proof, would you be able to shoulder my shoulder bag?

Proof: My friend, I shall decline your request
I find it difficult to travel to the performance area due to the men
who provide protection
"We have no knowledge of your relationship to this band, have you
seen more popular acts such as Obie Trice or Doctor Dre?

Bizarre: I am becoming annoyed with this faction
The moment shall soon arrive when I plan to make my way on my own and
earn a greater sum of riches
It was my responsibility to create the rhythm to which we perform and
to write what we shall say
That is, until my fellow Kon Artis bestowed upon me illegal
If you should watch the video recording to accompany the song "Lose
Yourself", I was relegated to the background
The same situation befell me for "Superman"
Regarding the paparazzi, I have some propositions
Forget Eminem and request information from the forgotten members of
this collection
Such as who makes up the assembly of D-12? Or when did we first agree
to begin a musical journey?
"What information could you give to us regarding Eminem?" I am most
disappointed in your mental deficiency
But aside from my complaints, I am the best-loved member of the
With a large belly, women find me adorable; "Hello there, charming!"
50 Cent, the other apprentice of Eminem, advised me to exercise in
order to gain a more attractive body
Yet after a ridiculously small amount of work, I found that I was
unable to lift myself from the floorboards
I have given up on D-12, I shall begin a new musical venture
I shall propose this idea to the inspiration for a previous song of

Eminem: Fine lady, is it so impossible to believe that you are the only
woman that I could love?
It rends my buttocks asunder that you possess no knowledge of my

Bizarre: This is pointless!
Miscellaneous women I meet are not learned as to the designation of
my ensemble, and I laugh
But this does not stop them from paying special attention to me, so
forget Eminem
For at the appointed time when I unleash my lyrical talents, they
will then know that I am destined for great things
All for that simple reason that I am the foreman of my company

Eminem: My group! My gang! My crew!

Bizarre: The most beloved musical assemblage of young and attractive
males the world over, D-12!

Eminem: I am the singer of my group!
I coerce females into removing their lacy garments!
And in dealing with my position in my group, my musical style
It gives the appealing lasses a reason to salsa dance!
My musical style, keep a close eye on my most recent musical hit, it
is deemed "My Salsa"!
My salsa, salsa, salsa, salsa, my salsa!
Drives every pleasing lady to dance!
And remove their undergarments!
My music gives the fine women a reason to dance
And get rid of their undergarments, my musical style
And now I notice that I am all alone