Russian Roulette

Daddy hid his gun... He hid it real well and locked it up and everything. You know, it was safe from little kids who didn't know what they were doing - but I knew what I was doing. I wouldn't blame daddy and I sure wouldn't blame the gun. 'Cause I picked it up... and I took it over to Carol's house. It was me, her, Jeremy (he was my boyfriend), Kyle, Liz, and Jenny. Three girls. Three guys. One gun... One clever game of Russian Roulette. I gave it to Kyle. He's the one who loaded it. One bullet... and five empty barrels... He showed us, so we could see, that it was right and everything. Then he took the little handgun - and he gave it to me. I was going first, that was the only way I agreed, there was no way I c - could watch my friends go before because I knew, I knew I'd be hoping that they'd lose so that... you know, so that I didn't have to, umm, die. I didn't want to, y'know... None of us did. But the danger... there's no wager bigger than your life. There just isn't. We were risking it all, right around Carol's kitchen table. So, anyway, I was going first, right? I took it, the gun and pressed it up again my head, right above my ear. It was digging into my skin, I could feel it. But I felt so... powerful, at the time. Then, I'm supposed to say my last words, but I just started crying. I started talking, but it was really more of a whisper, "I don't want any last words... I don't want words... I want a memory. I don't think I've ever felt as close to you - all of you - as I do right now... I want... I want you guys, to - to talk about me, and say... Hey, remember, remember that look on Halley's face? Remember? Don't you remember?" Then I did it. I pulled back on the trigger. Click. It... it was blank. So, then, I, umm... I passed the gun to Carol. I just looked at her, staring, as she took the gun and put it to her head too. I just stared. I didn't say anything, or - or anything. I just... watched. She said, "Life's a bitch... and then you die," and then she yanked back the trigger, just like I had. Click. Another blank... Can you imagine... If those had been her last words? How fucked is that? So... anyway, Carol passed the gun to Jeremy... God, I loved him ... I loved him so much. I know I did, 'cause that's when I freaked out. I looked at him, but I couldn't just stare, I mean I was looking at his eyes - They were so blue. I started screaming at him, I scream "I don't wanna play anymore" and I was crying and I couldn't even figure out why we playing in the first place. It was so stupid. We were just a bunch of teenage kids who wanted a thrill. So I was screaming, and I said "Just put the fucking gun down, Jeremy! I don't want to play anymore!" But, but Carol still wanted to play and she was saying "I had to risk my life so the rest of you do too!" And I couldn't believe it, Jeremy still wanted to play and he was shouting "It's only fair!" And I started to feel sick and I just wanted to wake up in my bed because even if... Even if Jeremy lived somebody else was gonna die. I just started screaming and I was covering my ears - If I couldn't hear Jeremy's last words, he wouldn't put the trigger! It was one of the rules, everybody had to hear it. But, then I just sat back down... right back in my seat, and all of a sudden, I was quiet. I didn't want to play anymore, I just didn't want to play. I said "This isn't a game, games are fun" and I pouted and then Jeremy put the gun up against his black shaggy hair, and started - He started his last words. He said... He started talking and he said "I'm a liar, a fake, and I hate myself. I always have. I don't deserve any of you as friends, and... Halley, I don't deserve you." I couldn't do anything but cry and stare. I wanted that gun so bad. I wanted to take it back home and lock it up again... he was still talking, he said "I want to lose. I want to lose." Then he pulled the trigger. Click! It was blank... I was so relived I couldn't help but cry again. But, then Jeremy was mad and he started yelling "I want to lose!" again and then he yanked on the trigger again... He lost... I, I still haven't been able to talk about it. It wasn't suicide though, if there's a hell Jeremy isn't there, no, no, he's in heaven. He wanted to die but it wasn't suicide... He was a mardyr. He saved Jenny... she was next. He saved me... Russian Roulette, it's the kinda thing you only do once, just like I think I'm only gonna love like that once. But I woke up. Jeremy woke me up. How come it takes somebody's death to wake up? Why couldn't somebody have just pinched me the morning that I got the gun? Wake up, everybody! Wake up! Wake up!