If you asked me why I was here, I honestly wouldn't be able to answer you. Actually, I'd blame it on Ben; only his evil influence could have gotten me here, room 342, for detention.

This is pointless. They stick you in a room with a sheet of paper and a pencil for half an hour after school and expect you to write out an apology and then feel properly reprimanded. What really happens is that Chris Tassworthy sneaks in a couple comic books, hands them out to everyone, you scribble something sarcastic on the paper, and then wait for the big hand of the clock to point to the six.

I didn't take a comic book. I'm writing here instead.

See, what happened was all part of an elaborate scheme to take complete control over the school using kumquat-zombies, percent dice, and a small lemur.

Well, not really, but that would have been awesome.

What really happened is that Ben told me to meet him outside during lunch. So I did. He had that insane grin on his face again, so I asked him what was up. He kept on grinning and gestured to the window leading into the principal's office.

There was a medium sized watermelon sitting on Mr. Jade's desk.

This may need some explaining. Ben is part of the not-quite-legendary Fruit Mafia. Well, actually, he IS the Fruit Mafia, being the only member of it. Basically what Ben does is purchase fruit and place them in strategic (read: "random") places around the school with interesting little messages tacked to them, such as "FACT: The average major league baseball has a lifespan of seven pitches." Or perhaps witty catchphrases such as "Do not anger the sleeping dragon, for you are crunchy and would taste good with ketchup."

My personal favorite was the nectarines with the lyrics to the Danish national anthem written on them with a green Sharpie.

"What did you write on it?" I asked him, because I figured this was one of his traditional pranks.

"Didn't write on it. Just watch." I'll admit, his maniacal grin was getting worrisome, but I figured he'd just eaten something strange for lunch again. Ben was known to eat things like peanut butter and cheese sandwiches or grapefruit sections with salt and pepper on them.

So I watched. About a minute went by, then I asked him what the hell I was looking for.

Before I could finish my sentence, the watermelon exploded.

The walls of the school are soundproofed, so I didn't hear it, but I imagine it really disgusting. It certainly LOOKED disgusting. One side shot outward while the other caved in, and watermelon juice got everywhere.

I believe what Ben was yelling as he rolled around on the ground in laughter was "property damage!"

This was the first time the Fruit Mafia was ever caught. He got suspended for a week. I got detention because I was an accomplice. Apparently standing dumbstruck while watermelon guts flew around counts as aiding and abetting the criminal mastermind.

I still haven't written anything on the detention record sheet. Hmmm.

"I have assisted a twisted and evil mind in his plots to take over the school with exploding fruit by standing still. I solemnly swear with my hand on the Oxford Edition Unabridged Dictionary that this will never happen again. In the future I will more carefully examine all possible outcomes of my actions before I go through with them.

Signed: Adam McDougal, honorary member of the Fruit Mafia"


That should do it.