4[If you haven't read my 'How to Write a Hit Techno Song,' you may want to
do just so. If you think you have mastered the art of Techno, and find yourself bored or unchallenged, it's time for you to move on to metal. If you think this sounds more suitable for your personality and your musical interests, you are reading the right piece of material. By following these
few simple steps, you will, in no time, find yourself part of a widely
popular death metal band with a fabulous chart topping single. ]
GETTING STARTED: You first need to find a few friends with whom you can get along well. You need a guitarist or two, a bass player, a drummer, and a vocalist. The guitarist can be a vocalist too if you wish. One of your friends needs to be super depressed and liable to commit suicide at any time. Another needs to be really into drugs and drinking. (Make sure the public knows about these things) The guitarist needs to have long tangled hair. None of your friends can be blonde, if they are, dye their hair immediately and keep it dyed. Don't let the public know that your friend (or you) is naturally blonde. If you have all of this, you are ready to go. Oh yes, you all have to be angry and tough.
GO SHOPPING: First thing's first. a metal band just isn't a metal band without some masks. You can either make your own (which is preferred) or buy some horrible Halloween masks and cut them up. Face paint also works well if you like that. Don't us any colors but black white red and silver. After you buy your face paint or your masks, get your instruments. Nothing bright colored. nothing! Black or MAYBE dark blue is acceptable.
LEARN TO PLAY: Actually, you don't really need to know how to play either. Knowing how to play a few chords on your guitar, a few notes on your bass, and how to hit more than one drum at once, really fast, is all you need. Just make sure you can play them fast, and LOUD!
PUT ON YOUR THINKING CAP: This is the part that involves generally a band meeting, in which every band member attends. You need to think of a name for your band. Anything that sounds deadly and mean. Shark objects (Thorn, Needles, etc.) work well, along with disgusting things. (Saliva, Snot, Etc.) If many of your members are on drugs, a drug related name would be suitable also. (Mushroomhead, Cottonmouth Kings, etc.)
WRITE SONGS: After you have a name picked out, co-write some lyrics. This is one of the harder parts of show business, but if you are all angry, like you need to be, you will be good at this. Do not be discouraged if at first you fail. What you need in a good metal song is a lot of cursing, a lot of death, a lot of death threats, orders to bring death to others, etc. You also need hate. I hate the world, I hate you, I hate your mom, Etc. Hate, hate, hate. There also needs to be some sad sensitive songs. These will be harder. You need to write about how everybody hates YOU, how you want to kill YOURSELF, and how you'll not miss the world one bit. This gets the chicks, so do as I say. Writing the instrumentals to your music is much easier. Play the few chords you know, or the few notes you know, in different sequences. Turn up the volume on your amplifiers. When it's loud enough, you can't even tell that none of the chords or notes go together.
PUTTING IT ALL TOGETHER: Vocalist (if you can even really call it vocals) - Your job is to scream out the lyrics really loud. If you aren't throwing up at the end of every song, you are not yelling loud enough. YELL LOUDER! It's NEVER loud enough!
Guitarist(s) - Play your chords as fast as you can, as loud as you can. Bass - (see guitar) Drums - hit as many of your drums as you can, as fast as you can, as loud as you can. Bang your head a lot.
PLAYING LIVE: When you are playing live, just remember to play loud, and fast. Remember to yell out profanity and insults between every song. Remember to destroy all of your instruments after each set. Bang them on things, tear them apart, hit them against the ground, anything that leaves your instruments in shreds. Sorry, but you'll just have to get a new one.