I Have An Aching Desire
By Tony Stephen Simpson

Part I

I think I first fell in love when I was eight.
Well, maybe it wasn't "love"
But the feeling sure felt intense to my
Eight year old body.
'Course it makes sense since
I was born gay, always was a boy-lover,
Will die a boy-lover, hopefully with my man holding my hand.

And I was always a passionate, feeling kid,
Even though I didn't show it.
When I played sports, I played hard. I played to win.
I put my heart into it.
When I got into a fight, I punched hard and fast.
I went crazy. I fought dirty. I beat kids two grades above me.

When I wanted to learn about something I went all out.
I walked in the woods finding 16 different types of mushrooms in
One hour in 4th grade.
I stayed up all night looking at slides
The one night I could use the class microscope
In 8th grade biology.
I spent hours and hours on the 'Net
And in the library researching the history of the
Beatles in my 10th grade Society & Culture class
And saved money from mowing lawns so I could
Buy eight Beatles CD's for my class presentation.

Like I said, when I feel something, I feel it passionately.
No half-ass feelings for this boy.
So when I'm liking a boy and I'm eight years old
I feel it like a fucking forest fire in my gut.

So I'm a gay boi who's gotalotta feeling. Yeah,
Look what it got me for the first 16 years of my life:
Rejections, humiliation, shame, ridicule.
It didn't matter that I was a good fighter. They somehow turned
Something normally macho into a sign that
I must be a faggot otherwise I wouldn't get so mad
When the bullies called me that. Fucked if I did,
Fucked if I didn't.

And, until recently, I wouldn't admit who and what I am.

I so feared the rejection, ridicule, family shame, and
Humiliation that I told myself it was bad and I told myself
I was more hetero than homo and that I wanted to get
Married and have kids and that it really all represented
Some kind of mental problem or sin or something.
(That's what my Church says! So it must be true, right?)

It's amazing how the mind can deceive
Itself so readily. Fear is a powerful fucking

Part II
Now do you have an inkling why gay and bi teens
Hide themselves from you
Hide themselves from their parents
Hide themselves from their teachers
Hide themselves from their priests, rabbis, and preachers?
Now do you have an inkling why we
Hide from ourselves?

Do you know what it's like to pretend you don't exist?
To be what I con myself into believing I am?
Do you care? Or is it easier to shove me aside
With a quick, "It's not my fucking problem" or
"You deserve what you get, faggot."

Hate makes you feel pretty fucking powerful, huh?
Makes you feel like a Man. The Man. Because a Man
Hates anything feminine right? And all faggots act like
Girls, right? You got it all figured out, right?
You're always right, right?

But then if you really thought that way you wouldn't
Be reading any poetry bullshit, would you?
So I'm either preaching to the choir or maybe
You're open-minded enough to read
A faggot's poem.

Ugh. That sounds awful, huh? It's like we're
Conditioned from day one to feel repulsed by
Phrases like "A faggot's poem." Fuck, I'm the
Faggot writing this poem and the phrase
Makes me sick.

So maybe it's not a faggot's poem.
Maybe it's a boy's poem.
Maybe it's a man's poem.

And maybe you really do
Want to understand.
Maybe you really do
Want to reach out.
Maybe you really do
Want to love that part of you
That likes to look at another guy
Even though you have no natural
Desire to do anything more.
You simply admire.

That's great! I have no desire to
Seduce straight guys.
I like straight guys.
I like them as friends.
I don't want them to be gay.
They wouldn't be who they are if they were gay.
It would weird me out if they told me they were gay.

Some straight guys, hell, a lot of straight
Guys don't get that part.
They think all us pretty boys want to suck their cocks
And turn them all into fags-for-a-day.

No, if I have a crush on a guy at school
I want to know ASAP if he's straight, bi, or gay.
The girls usually know, or can find out
Soon enough.
If he's straight, I can let go of the lustful lovelock
Pretty quick. I pray for him.
I pray that he finds the girl of his dreams
That they have hot, sweaty, mind-blowing sex
And they fall deeply in love. Roses and
Rings and wedding bells
And all those things.

And I mean it. No shit. You see,
I like guys. I want guys to be happy.
And I know no straight guy is going to be
Happy with this foxy faggot lusting after his
Tight ass.

Now, lest the beautiful girls reading this poem
Get the wrong idea-yeah, I know 99% of you won't-
But just in case, for the one percent, allow me to
Point out something anyone with a gay guy friend
Knows. We worship the girls! Damn, where we be
Without them? Fucked is where, and I'm not talking
The prostate tickling or clitoris rubbing kind of fuck either.

Girls understand us. Girls appreciate us. Girls help us
Sort out the swirling chaos of emotion that is adolescent
Love lust. Hell, the girls know we're gay before we do!
Talk about gaydar, it ain't the gays that invented that
Little detection device. Girls are born with it. You know,
Luscious breasts, wide hips, bee-stung lips, ovaries, swelling clits,
Mound of love sweet bliss, and special-no-extra-charge
Super accurate, never-needs-maintenance gaydar!

And no, we don't all love the girls because we want to be
Like them. Sure, most gay guys are a little more in touch
With their feelings and all that. But we don't all want to
Become interior decorators and wear girls' panties and
Paint our lips ruby red.

Believe it or not some of us are more masculine than
The average jock-boy. Until I came out in the 12th grade
(Well, really the summer before but it's not really public until
school starts up again), I was considered one of the most
Masculine guys in my school.
(I fortunately moved between 10th and 11th grade so I didn't have to live
with my old rep as a closet fag).
I was halfback on the football team,
Third baseman on the baseball team (#1 in RBIs last year,
Thank you very much), with lots of girls flirting with me

You noticed the "to be" tense was past?
Yep. No more football team, no more
Baseball team. No more Mr. Masculine.
Coming out has its downsides.
Did they ban me?
No, not officially. But you know as
Well as I that coaches, and headmasters,
And parents, and school boards, and
Politicians, and even
Other kids have a way of making things
Happen without it being "official."

If I could go back in time and change
My mind, would I?

Hell no.


P.S. My English teacher
Encouraged me to write a poem about my experience.
He even told me about !
Cool guy.

Thought he was gay, didn't you? Nope. Straight as they come.
Fucking beautiful wife and four kids and I know none of that means
A thing but the fact that he occasionally glances at the hot babes
And not the hot guys, gives him away as a straight man. A good-looking
Straight man whose teacher's pet is a pretty boy! Yeeha!

Yes, it's August and school ended (and I graduated!) in June.
I wrote this last March but I was too chicken to
Publish it then. But my boyfriend of the last three months,
Assertive, loving fellow that he is, has
Encouraged me, and I have finally found the
Courage within myself.
Thank you, Scott.
I love you.