First you start to doubt. You don't even realize that you have, but you start to doubt everything you used to believe in. After a short while, confusion. Disbelief, complete loss of faith. Indifference. Hatred. Loneliness. But after all that, all that you'll feel will eventually be just nothing.
You'll be as hard and cold as stone.
Really, I'm feeling scared just now. I fear my own predicament. Because right now, I'm starting to doubt. I fear of being as hard and cold as stone sometime soon.
It's just a cycle. Something goes wrong, I do my thing. Apologies, gratitude. Then the vicious cycle just repeats itself before I even realize that it's finished.
Damn, it's just too tiring.
Now I'm wondering if I'll just let it repeat again.
The same things over and over again.
I'm starting to doubt all that I believe in. my friends, my philosophies, everything. I don't know what's real anymore. What's been happening is starting to shatter me.
Am I really important? Am I really needed? Believed in?
Am I really loved?
What hurts most is that I can't seem to cry them out. I cannot cry anymore. I'm too tired. Too weak.
The confusion that's twisting my guts is starting to devour everything that I've become. More than physical pain. Much, much more. And I have nothing to hold on to.
Now I fear that I will not be able to tell anymore. Tell from make-believe and truth, dreams and reality.
More of this and I won't be able to feel the cold stinging my skin. Feel no fear, hatred or happiness.
Cold and hard as stone.
I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what to think anymore.
I have always loved and gave everything I have. My happiness, my pride, my being without expecting anything in return. Stupid, but it really was my reality. Now I really don't mean to boast but I haven't got anything at all after all I've given. I thought I'm infinite, but now I've realized that I'm just, afterall, human. I know now that I'll run out sometime soon, feel deprived and aggravated sometime real soon.
Honestly I don't want to feel anything anymore. I wish I don't know how to pity, to care. To love. I hate it because it's not everything. I'll just have to get weariness and emptiness in return.
I try to understand, but I don't know what to understand anymore.
Maybe being as cold and hard as stone is better. Indifference avoids feeling. Avoids pain.
I fear my want of being cold, hard and indifferent. Maybe because I want to continue living. I need this to do so. My being is starting to freeze, and I'm just letting it. I don't know why. I don't know anything anymore.
Silence is bitter, but it's sweet and comforting nevertheless, right? I guess I should…just shut up…