Thoughts during twilight. Just thoughts.

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I Don't Know

By: liquor chugging knight

Oh I don't know. Perhaps being human isn't so bad. Eat, sleep, drink. Die. Yup, it's not so bad. I mean, how do you even know that we're alive? For all you know, we could be in hell.

Or in heaven.

For my part, I wouldn't know. But I don't think I could say that I don't care. Because I do. Sometimes, when I'm awake in the middle of the night for no apparent reason, I do. Somehow, I get to thinking about life, and I get scared. You don't know where you've come from. You don't know where you're going, and you don't know why you even exist.

Maybe we're just fooling ourselves with all this religion, deceiving our minds into thinking that we're here for a reason, and that we when we die, we're gonna go someplace. But what if we don't?

What if we are just insignificant things that exist for no purpose other than *to* exist? And that when we die, we don't go up to heaven, or down to hell, and instead, are just, you know, just *STUCK*.

No memories, no awareness, no feelings, just nothing.

And if we do go to heaven, if there really is such a place, then we'll all be happy and fulfilled, and after the war is over, we'll all live in peace. But have you ever thought of what comes next?

What happens after that? After all of this is over and we're in the kingdom of dreams and reality, what then?

Do we just *exist*?

For all eternity?

Do we just leave it as that? I'd rather it were a cycle. Where all of this just goes around and around and happens all over again. Because I don't know how to live forever.

I can't.

I can't even live for ten years, and be sure of where I'm going, I can't even live for _ten minutes_ and know what I'm doing.

I feel like a car that's traveling on this long straight road with no end and no beginning. It doesn't bend, because whatever happens, it should have had happened, and it's like we play the part as we see fit, but as we were destined to be.

And I'm thinking, I don't know how to live, exactly, although who does, but I don't want to die. I'm not the kind of person who couldn't wait to know the truth, and goes and shoots his brains out, no.

I'm a coward. Both in flesh and in spirit. And though I may be inspired to do great and marvelous things at times, I don't. Because I'm lazy.

I'm no saint. I've sinned. And I regret it so badly I find myself repeating scenes from my past in my mind that can drive me to take a knife across my wrists. Because I'm a coward. I don't like to face judgment, so I take the easy way out and kill myself. I'm filthy and I deserve any punishment lain upon me, but I'm so damn scared, and I can't take it.

And I don't, I don't know what'll happen if I'm gone. What the people's reactions will be, what they'll feel, what they'll do to compensate for their 'loss'.

And I don't know if I'll see any of them again. Perhaps I'll live in my own closed world when I die, and I'll never see or hear from all the people I've cared for, and I'm forced to, well, just dwell on their memories, and cry when I miss them so much, it hurts, like my whole being, my whole existence, my very core is being weighed down, pulled towards the ground, making me forget what it's like to feel.

And I don't want to be forgotten. When I die, I don't want to be forgotten. Because the moment I am, it's like I never even existed. I don't want to die alone, in some dark alley or in my own apartment, and find out that nobody even noticed that I was gone. I want people to remember me. To have me in their minds, even if their not thinking about me. I just want to occupy some part in their brains.

Because I've lived this life so damn sinfully. I need to feel alive. I'm sick, and there's no cure for it. No matter how I scrub and clean, I can't get the stain out. I haven't killed anyone. But I have destroyed so many lives.

So someone, please, I can't take this any more. I don't want to die. I don't want to live. I just want something, anything, to hold onto.

Anyone, please, save me. I've been sinning for so long, can't you please make me human?

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Waking up early in the morning isn't good for me.

Oh, well. Smile!

-liquor chugging knight