The Laws of a Cheese Lover

Here in are the laws by which a true Cheese Lover should live. If these rules are broken, they can be repented by several chants of the Prayer of the Cheese Lover. All things said, none of this ridiculousness is serious. If I ever hear of someone killing another over the sacredness of cheese, I will not be held accountable.

Section One

The Beginnings of Cheese

The Cheese Lover must love cheese The Cheese Lover must be willing to try new and different kinds of cheeses. Each Cheese Lover must be willing to share cheese with her or his neighbor. Cheese is of the utmost importance and must be upheld. Taking Law #4 into account, cheese must be defended. If there should be a heretic the heretic must be taught to love cheese. Taking Law #5 into account, if the heretic will not be reformed, she or he must be struck down. Taking humanitarian Laws into account, disregard Law #6. Pondering the worth of Law #7 let the Cheese God, Gouda, deal with the unconvertible heretics!

Section Two

The Religion of Cheese

Gouda is the one and only Cheese God! If the heretics tell you otherwise, please see Law #4. Prayer to Gouda does not necessarily have to be on a regular basis. However, prayer to Gouda should be at least two or three times a year. The House of Gouda, or the Holy Sacreliscious Church of Gouda, is not an actual building. You choose where to worship our God. When ending a prayer to Gouda, one must use the holy chant "Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Moo." By the way, Gouda does not have a sex! We shall refer to our god as "it" rather than she or he.

Section Three

The Greeting of a Fellow Cheese Lover

When greeting a fellow Cheese Lover one must shake her or his hand, congratulate them on her or his choice of worship, and exchange the holy chant.

Section Four

The Conversion of Heretics

When converting the heretic, do use the methods outlined in Law #16, chanting, shaking, and congratulating. Try to use conversion in steps. If the heretic is slowly introduced to cheese, she or he will learn to love it. All things considered, if you fail in your conversion, don't blame yourself. Not all people will go to Cheese Heaven, otherwise called Brie Land.

Section Five

The Truth about Cheese Heaven

Brie Land is the one and only Cheese Heaven! All Cheese Lovers can go to Brie Land when she or he dies, if she or he would prefer she or he could go to another heaven, whichever is provided in any other religion. Gouda will not smite you for going to another Heaven; Brie Land is totally optional. You must uphold all the Laws of a Cheese Lover to achieve entrance into Brie Land. If any laws are broken, they may be repented by several chants of the Prayer of the Cheese Lover.

Section Six

The Repenting of Broken Laws

The number of chants for each law broken are as follows:

One prayer – Rules 1,2,3,4,10,17,19

Two prayers – Rules 5,16

Three prayers – Rules 12,18,34

Four prayers – Rules 14,9,15,20,28,33,37

Fifty prayers – Rules 7,8,39

Some laws serve more as guidelines than laws; there shall be no repenting for these. They are as follows: 11,13,21,22,23,25,26,27, 28,30,31,32,35,36

Taking into account that Law #6 must be broken, there shall be no repenting for it

If you so choose not to repent for breaking the Laws, consider yourself out of a religion. Gouda does not deal well with folks who disregard the Laws and then choose not to make amends for them. There is a Cheese Hell, otherwise called Limburger, for all you sinners out there! The Cheese Prayer Goes as follows:

The Prayer of a Cheese Lover

I give to the God of Cheese, Gouda, my undying devotion. I swear that I will worship cheese and cheese alone. I promise to uphold the laws set forth by the Gouda when in public, and will make known my love of cheese whenever appropriate.

I swear to love cheese, and all dairy products. Cows are the mouthpieces of Gouda. We shall follow their example and graze in the pastures of goodness.

I will sing praises of the dairy gods, Cream and Milk and their followers when ever I shall meet them.

I will greet each new member of our religion with respect and love, as set in the laws of cheese worshipping.

I will not smite those who love cheese, even if they do not join the religion. For one day all cheese lovers will become as one and sit in the presence of our lord, in the kingdom of Dairy, Brie Land.

Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Moo.

Section Seven

The Truth about Cheese Hell

Limburger is the one and only Cheese Hell! Limburger is also an optional sort of thing. So if you're going to heaven because of another religion, you can go there instead of Cheese Hell. It's all good. Gouda will not smite you for going to another religion's heaven, instead of Cheese Hell. It would do the same. Gouda will not smite you for going to another religion's hell. But to be forewarned Limburger is much nicer than most other religion's hells.

Section Eight

The Addendum to the Laws

The true Cheese Lover will make known her or his love of cheese whenever appropriate. One must also sing praises of the Dairy Gods, Cream and Milk, at least two or three times a year. Cream and Milk have their own separate prayers. Gouda will not smite you, however, if you recite its prayer to them. The Prayers of Cream and Milk must also end with the holy chant "Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Moo." Treat all Cheese Lovers with respect and love, for they are your true sisters and brothers.

Section Nine

The Final Law of Cheese

Eat Cheese!