1Fennick dragged the unconscious Kendel and his massive sword up the stairs and into one of their room, then dropped him onto the bed and the sword over the bedpost before turning to light a candle and lock the door. He knew Kendel would wake wracked with shame, humiliation, and guilt, and it was better for everyone if no one else walked in on this volatile situation. He leaned against the smooth lacquered wood and closed his eyes. Fennick wasn't sure whether he was blessed or cursed that the others had retired over an hour ago, and that he was the only Knight awake to witness Kendel's drunkenness and tend to him tonight.
On one hand… the 'cat thought, He needs the help, and who but I could show he the tenderness he will need. On the other… this is a temptation I may not be able to resist, and my actions may just give Ken a reason to gut me. He rubbed his forehead against the wood for another moment, then took a calming breath and turned back to the prone warrior on the bed.
The single lit candle threw a thin river of orange light and pools of sharp-cut shadows across the bed, and Kendel's pale hair gleamed like a thick rope of white gold flowing across the pillows and home-made patchwork quilt. Fennick reached for the braid hesitantly, and with shaking hands untied the strip of leather at the bottom and loosened the tightly plaited strands, sighing with pleasure at the silken feel of it against the callused pads of his hands and faint smell of it owner and soap wafting up to his nose.
He dug his hands into its thick fullness, unsheathing his claws to comb out the tangles, his eyes half-lidded and heavy with bliss written full in them. He had always wanted to run his hands through Kendel's hair; he had never seen a man that had such beautiful hair, nor one who was so vain and proud of it as Ken could sometimes be. Fennick brought a shining lock to his cheek and rubbed it against his skin, aware that his groin was tightening almost painfully and his breath was quick and shallow. With a groan he dropped his handful of hair and stepped away from the bed, shaking his head and trembling.
I can't do this; I can't do this; I can't do this…
Kendel remained sleeping, his head turned to one side so that his face rested in the waterfall of his glorious mane; Kendel could see the rise and fall of his chest, and the throb of blood through his exposed throat, and he stood frozen, his heart pounding like thunder through him, his eyes dilated wide with fear and longing. He was unable to leave and unable to stay, and so, torn in two, he stood, aching and hopeless.
Kendel's silver-white lashes fluttered, and Fennick almost shrieked, so badly was he startled as he was caught contemplating naughty thoughts about the blonde warrior. Kendel's bright blue eyes opened, and dazedly stared at Fennick as if seeing him for the first time. "Mmmm…" the blonde licked his lips and sat up, shaking his head slowly, a frown gathering between his eyes. He looked at Fennick.
"What did you do?"
Fennick blinked in confusion, backing up with hands held up in appeal. "I didn't do anything, Kendel," he answered in a low, serious tone.
Kendel stared at him for what seemed like a long time, his eyes meeting Fennick like those of a hawk swooping upon a rabbit, then sighed, blinked, and shook his head once more. "I don't know. It seems as thought I trust you, despite indications that I shouldn't. You are an unsavory individual, but you are trusting and loyal to your friends." He swung his legs over the edge of the bed and tried to stand, only to be thwarted once more by his weakness and drunkenness, and he collapsed in an ungraceful pile on the floor.
Fennick padded over and sat beside him, his tail sliding around the other man in a gentle friendly caress. He was a little hurt to see Kendel in such a dishonorable state, and the blonde did not raise his head to look at Fennick, but sat with shoulders hunched and head hung low, to proud to scream or cry over his disgraceful state, but so badly hurt and humiliated his body shook with suppressed emotion.
"Kendel," Fennick said softly, "Kendel Trent." After another moment of silence, the sand-cat continued. "You are one of the strongest people I know, Kendel. You are a true warrior, and I've seen you. You fight every day. It is a glorious battle, and whether you win or lose… Whether you win or you lose, you fight just the same, with pride and dignity and honor. You win with grace, and when you lose you are but a fallen prince, and still the light seeks you."
Kendel lifted his head slightly and peered at Fennick through the thin veil of his unbound hair, and though his lips were still twisted into a tight, pale line, a look of baffled surprise entered his eyes.
Fennick was not aware of the affects of his words upon Kendel, nor of the glacier-blue gaze now resting upon him. He was far and away, his own eyes glazed as they looked back upon the days on the road. He was watching Ken practice his sword-play once more, eyeing the strong lines of his lean body as he pulled himself into the saddle; he was smiling back at the blonde's lazy grin as he swung a fat brace of rabbits over his shoulder. He was remembering the light the seemed to emanate from Kendel even on the gloomiest of days, as if the kutari gathered all the light within his flesh and condensed it like a prism.
"I had never known sand-cats to possess such silvery tongues," Kendel finally murmured, almost wanting to smile at the too-earnest, faintly nostalgic look upon the usually mischievous face. There was something comforting about Fennick's sweet concern—even if it was borne out of sexual interest—and devil-may-care approach to life. Kendel knew that none of the others would hear of his embarrassments this night, and that Fennick did not care in the least that he had broken the Code and humiliated himself. There was no anger or blame in Fennick, and, weary of staining under the yoke of the Code and church, Kendel found the 'cat's nonchalance was most welcome. He pressed closer to Fennick's warmth with a sigh of relief.
Fennick startled, his reverie broken by the rub of Kendel shifting closer and the blonde's head falling to rest upon his bare shoulder. He inhaled sharply, his flesh suddenly electric from the contact and his mind a jumbled mess. "You are… feeling better?" he finally managed to ask in astonishment.
The golden head upon his shoulder nuzzled against him in affirmative, and Fennick bit back a groan as mind and body both forcibly reminded him of how desirable they found the creature whose breath prickled the fine hairs upon his chest and whose marvelous hair slide like liquid over his chest and back. He touched his face to the top of Kendel's head, breathing in the musky-sweet scent of the other Knight with closed eyes, while he fought the urge to show the blonde how beautiful Fennick truly found him.
"Fennick," Kendel murmured, "I have seen you look at me sometimes…"
Fennick's heart lurched into his throat, causing spots to dance briefly before his eyes.
"…look at me, as most men look after a woman they desire. You watch me with that pleased, haunted, hungry, sad light in your eyes. As if you are pleased with and long for me, but are pained by the sight of me as well.
"Aye?" Fennick's mouth was strangely dry while his eyes felt overly moist.
Kendel took a deep breath. "I am sorry that I hurt you."
For a long moment, Fennick was unable to find his voice. "You do not hurt me, Ken," he finally managed. "I hurt myself by allowing myself to hope… hope that…" His voice choked off. "I'm sorry also. I know I bring shame to you, and Falcon does not let me forget that I bring shame also to our family."
Kendel sighed and pressed closer; he was sure now of what he wanted, of how he could forget for a time his struggles and battles, his rules and Code-breaking. He was sure of how to make that terrible despair flicker out of Fennick's lovely eyes. He was also sure the alcohol still sparkling in his bloodstream was influencing his decisions, but he no longer cared. No one had ever treated him as the boyish, sweet sand-cat had; no one had ever made him feel so angry, so tempted, so wanted as Fennick did.
One of Kendel's long-fingered hands slipped over Fennick's knee before skimming teasingly over his thigh, and Ken smiled faintly at the sand-cat's sudden stiffening at the touch. He turned against Fennick so that they came nose to nose, with Kendel nearly in the 'cat's lap. "You bring no shame to me tonight, SunDance," he whispered, and in a fit of daring, he captured Fenick's rosy lips with his own and pressed forward, pinning the 'cat against the side of the bed.