Bahbahabah! And then some.


What the Hell: Chapter 9

Are men for real?


I hate men… Well not all men. Just the ones in this room… Well that's not true either. I don't hate Kami. I mean how can you hate him. He's God! (then there's the fact he looks like Bob… You know my teddy bear) But I hate Louie. And Leito. Yeah, I hate them…

So…umm… Those are my thoughts as I sit in Louie's office waiting on him to do this really important job that he seemed to think he needed to be doing. Which as far as I can see is… dum… dum… dum… Nothing! That's right Folks he's doing Nothing! Just sitting at his desk reading something that one of the milling minions gave to him. *sigh* I shall say it again. Hell is Freaking BORING!

And if I'm this bored everyone else must be, too, right? WRONG! Leito has brought out a GameBoy from who-knows-where and is play a rousing game of beep beep beep… Kami… Well, He's flopped upside down reading the comics from a newspaper he found on a coffee table, giggling once and a while. Let me remind you how scary that is. The maker of anything and everything giggles like a school girl! And that's even more scary, because technically I'm a school girl (collage is a school too!) and I don't giggle like that!

Now that I'm sufficiently weirded out…

"Louie…" He lifts his head in my direction quizzingly.


"I'm bored!"


" 'And' what?"

"What would you like me to do about that?" God he's soooo difficult.

"I don't know, something, ANYTHING! If I don't do something soon I'm gonna DIE!" I mean it too… I'm that freakin' bored!

Smiling softly, he answers back, "Lei-Lei, people do not die from boredom and I should know."

Damn, he's right. I hate it when that happens.

"Lei-Lei, I thought you weren't gonna talk to HIM anymore."

"SHUT UP LEITO! I'm not talking to you either!"

"So you'll talk to HIM, but not your beloved brother? How cruel is that?"

"Who ever said you were my 'beloved brother', huh? 'Beloved brothers' don't sit there playing GameBoys while their sisters die of boredom now do they? And where DID you get that anyway?"

"It, my much adored baby sister, is one of the many perks of being an Angel! One to which you will never see as you were a BAD girl and was sent to Hell."

A girl can only take so much, so I threw the closest thing I could reach at him. (a glass paper weight) "I'm Not DEAD You JERK!"

I watched in horror as said paper weight smacked him in the head and knocked him off the chair. "OH MY GOD! I Killed Kenn- I mean… Leito!" I jumped up and down screaming, "Oh My God! Oh My God! Louie Do Something, I Killed Leito!" Now I know I should find that slightly ironic, that I was screaming for God and telling Louie to do something. But give me a break I just killed my brother. (I panicked)


"Lei-Lei, I assure you that did not kill your brother. He is already DEAD. You can not kill him again." Wha? I suppose he's right… I hope!

"Damn. Lei-Lei if I had known you could throw like that I would of made you play baseball in my place!"

"What are you talking about, stupid? YOU DID!"

"Oh yeah." God I swear he's suck a moron!

"Lei-Lei, would you come and have a look at this?" Oooooh… Yay! Now I get to look upon the joyous joys of Louie's paper work! Yay! *sigh* He hands me a piece of paper.

"What do you think?"

"I think it's paper." He raises his brow in question. "It's very good quality paper. Thick, opaque, and very smooth paper?"


"Oooooh… You want me to read what's on the paper."


My Lord Lucifer,

I am saddened to inform you that the Gate has been open here as well. The intruders have begun to ravage the fields and farm. Areas 4-B through F are completely destroyed. Most will be able to be replanted for the next growing season. However areas D and E will take years to become fertile once more. Not only did they burn the fields after they finished practicing their swordsmanship on the crops, but they salted the ground excessively.

They did though leave most of the inhabitants alive; with only a 15% death toll to the populous. If they continue at this rate the immediate loss of life will be minimal. On the other hand the aftereffects from the loss of grain and livestock will be catastrophic.

My Lord to put it simply, you must find the Key to stop Heavens decent to Hell or we shall be at the utmost peril.

Your servant,

Agricultural Chief

Zaq Wert.


I turn to look at Louie to see if I read what I thought I read.

"What do you make of what you have just read?"

"I think you're screwed, that's what I think."

"Anything else?"

"I think you are REALLY screwed?"

*sigh* I swear for once it wasn't my sigh. It was Louie's! "Do you think you could stop this, as you put it, screwing?"

Why? Oh why must men not see the simplest answer? Why must everything ALWAYS be so hard for them? WHYYYYY? "Well… 'I' would shut the gate, duh."

"What if they opened it again?"

"Then lock it! Sheesh, Louie it's not that hard!"

"Ah, but it is. At least when they Key to the gate has been lost." For some reason he stares pointedly at me.

"Then what are we doing here then? Let's go find that key!" Yeah, now we're talking. An adventure in Hell! Whoo Hoo!

"We need not do that. I have already found my Key." Bummer… I wanted to go on a road trip.

"Then what are you doing? Lock the gate, stop the pillaging of you land, You DOLT!" I swear to God (well not really but you get the point) he's Such an idiot.

"Lei-Lei, do you think you could lock the gate?" (see?)

"Louie… You put the key in the keyhole and turn it 'till you hear the lock click."

"BWA HAHAHAHAHAH!" All heads swivel to the hysterical laughter.

"Leito, what the hell's so funny?" Now do you see why I hate these two? Louie's an idiot and Leito's a crackhead.

"Well?" (baka)

"Sorry sis. It was just the mental image you created. It was hilarious!" Off he goes laughing manically once again.

Try as I might I can't think of anything THAT funny in what I just said. And I am trying too. You see me trying right? Face all scrunched up, tongue slightly sticking out, head cocked to the side. Nope… Nothing… Leito's a nutcase, that's all I can come up with.


"Yeah Louie?"

"You do remember when I told you that you were the Key, correct?"


"When I brought you here, I told you that the Key had assimilated with you."


"Lei-Lei. You are the Key to closing the gate."

"Ummm… No…"

"That was not a question."

"I don't care. I don't wanna be a key… Kami don't let Louie make me be a key! I don't wanna, I don't wanna!" Kami got up from his spot upside down on the couch and wraps his arms around me. In what would been a comforting embrace had he not been groping me.

"ACK!" Was my strangled reply to his action. Why is it the guys on Earth were never this clingy? Is there something in the air? (Spanish flies flying about maybe?)

"Ummm… My Lord? Would you… Well, Ya' know… Well… Let up on Lei-Lei a bit? It well… Ummm… Goes against the grain… Ya' know… What with being her guardian and all…" Wow, Leito, you have such a way with words.

Louie's arms dropped to his sides as he turned to Leito. "I thought a Guardian was supposed to keep those with undesirable attention from their wards?"

"Ummm… Well… Ya' see… I don't mean anything by it… But… Ummm… My Lord… Eh…" Leito just kinda stopped, reminding me of my first car. It would start out strong and then start sputtering gradually until it died. (usually in an intersection)

"I think what he is trying to say, is that YOU are an undesirable match for Lei-Lei. I should warn you that if this is the case You might wish to leave my domain."

" Luuuuuuu… You know I'd never do anything like that to Lei-Lei! I have never done anything undesirable to anyone; I'm innocent I swear!"

"Really? And what about that one little girl?"

"Which little girl?"

"The one who was to be married? The one you impregnated!? The one you left to face the shame of her people and betrothed?"

"Oh yeah… Her… That was different. After I explained, everyone was cool with it."

"You SENT Gabriel to explain!" Wow, Louie sounds pissed! Oh well at least he hasn't hit Kami yet, But at this rate I don't think it'll be long before he does.

"But Lu… That was a loooooong time ago. Now a days Nobody minds if a women gets pregnant before she get married."

"I care!" Was the unanimous reply to that statement. Louie, Leito and me.

"Alright enough of this! My sister my not be THE virgin, but she is A virgin!" Right!

"HEY! Wait a minute! How do you know about that?!" Grrrr… "Oh wait. This is one of those Guardian Angel things isn't it?"

"Oh come on sis! I don't HAVE to be your G.A. to figure that one out. I just have to be your big brother, who shared a room with you our entire LIVES! You never slept with anyone while I was alive and unless you really did go all Bad Girl on me, you still haven't."

"Shut up Leito!" Yeesh! I mean how did this go from me not wanting to be a key, to Kami having a kid, to me being a virgin?

That shall remain one of the great mysteries of the world. Another shall be, what did Louie think was do important that he needed to do Right Now and did he even get it done today?

As we were walking out of Louie's office, he pulled me aside.


"What's up, Louie?"

"I was wondering if you would care to accompany me?"

"Eh… Why not… Is not like I've gotta lot to do here anyway."

"Not So Fast Pretty Boy! Where are you taking her?"


"Leito! Did I not already TELL you that you mustn't talk to Him in that fashion!?"

"No Gabriel, I don't think that you understand! The Fucking Devil wants to go off to who-knows-where and do who-knows-what to my BABY sister!" Wow! After his stuttering reprimand to Kami, I'm surprised that he mustered enough courage to shout at Louie so much!

"Leito, give it up. What do you think that Louie's gonna do to me anyway?"

"Well, he could rape you, eat you or ripe out your guts and wear them for a HAT!"

Ni-chan, first of all, I can's see Louie wearing my guts for a hat… And second, if he wanted to rape or eat me he could of done it last night… You know while I was sleeping…"

"Lu would never rape anyone! And never once in his entire existence has he ever eaten any one… That way…"

I turned to Kami slightly worried, "That way?" All I got in return was a blush… Weirdo… A quick glance to Louie told me he wasn't happy with what Kami said.

"Alright fine! When God's voicing for the character of SATAN I know I'm out voted. Hhmff!" Ooooh… Poor Leito, he sounds like his feelings are hurt. (BABY)

"If it would help put your mind to ease I will tell you what I plan on doing with you sister." As my big bro seemed to want to sulk, I answered for him.

"Yeah Louie, that might help. A bit you know?" He turned to me.

"I thought that I might take you shopping."

"SHOPPING!?" Came the shocked reply from all.

"Yes. Mime brought it to my attention that I am not in the habit of keeping women's clothes about the house," He reached out and tugged on my oh-so-lovely-pink dress. "It seems that Mime had to look to her own closet to dress you." Well, at least that explains the color and fit. I can see Mime wearing this horrendous thing.

"Let me get this straight. You're gonna take me Clothes Shopping?" I am, how can I put this… More than a little shocked. Not even Leito would ever take me shopping for clothes!

"That is what I said I was going to do."

"That's nice, really it is Louie, but… Ummmm…" I pulled the six bucks I have to my name out of my pocket. "I don't think that this'll cover new clothes."

He gently pulled the money out of my hand and tucked it back into my pocket. "Lei-Lei, I can more than afford to buy clothing for you. I was after all the one who did not allow you to pack when I brought you here."

"But…" This isn't right. I can't allow him to buy me a whole new wardrobe. It's an affront to my independence. "I'll pay. Surely there are garage sales in Hell." I think that's where the originated from anyway.

"As sweet as it is for you to offer, the money you have is not even valid here."

"It isn't?"

"No." Crap! That's how I paid Mr. Baker! He really is such a sweet old man; he didn't even say anything when I paid with, what is here, unusable cash. That's just something I'll have to take care of later.

"Ummm… Louie?"

"Yes Lei-Lei?"

"Ummm… What exactly can I get on this little shopping expedition?"

"You may get whatever you like."



"You're sure?"

"Of course."


"Yes?" Now what I did next was only what any self-respecting female who's just been told she has an unlimited shopping budget would do. I flung my arms around his neck and kissed him!


"LEI-LEI!" I turned to look at my brother with an exasperated sigh.

"What? I know people who'd sell their souls to the devil for a completely financed shopping spree." I stopped and thought about that. "Louie, this isn't one of those things is it? If I go shopping with you I won't be selling my soul and have to eat small children and broccoli for the rest of my life, will I?" I've gotta say, this was the first time I saw Louie completely flabbergasted. Either it was something I said or the fact I still had my arms wrapped tightly around his neck… Just to be on the safe side I let my arms slide back to my sides… You know… Just in case this was one of those soul selling things…

"Small children and Broccoli?" Guess it was what I said.

"Well yeah… Isn't that what you do to people who sell there souls?" The look he gave me was somewhat pained.

"Not quite." Whoo… I'm so relived. "However, if you are looking for a way to pay me back, I'm sure we can find something."

Ok. So normally I would jump at the chance to pay back a debt, but as he said this he was tracing his finger along my jaw. "Eh heh… Do you accept major credit or debit cards?"

He sighed at that. "Learn to use the powers of the Key and we shall call it even."

Alrighty that's not so bad. Now all I need to do is find out how to use this key thing… Ya' think they have a book "Interdimensional Keys for Dummies"?


Ok that's it for this chapter. It's a little longer than the ones I've been writing… But Yay for you right? Anyway, I was writing this in a notebook at work… (the pen and paper kind) So really all in all it only took about 4 days to write… Yes I do have a lot of free time at work… Unfortunately it's only like a minute here and a minute there… And since my comp at word not only doesn't have net access it doesn't even have Word! Yeah it sucks… So that's why there are no reviewer responses… That and I'm lazy… Yeah… But wouldn't you rather have a new chapter better than reviewer responses? But that doesn't mean I don't love you all my reviewers! SSSSMMMMOOOCH! See I love you all!