Warning: This fic contains a facsimile of religious elements. If you like your views on GOD and the DEVIL I suggest you not read this story, as I play havoc with all fundamental stereotypes in the Bible.

Disclaimer: Chibi Me means no disrespect to all the religious people of the world, I just thought this would make a fun story. Chibi Me also doesn't own any thing mentioned in this story that is owned by someone else.

What the HELL!?

Chapter 1: Who the HELL?


Ahem! It has come to my attention (in reality I just decided) that maybe beginning my tale of how I'm stuck in Hell, might not of been best started in the middle of my argument with Louie... Perhaps that's true, so this time I'll start from the very beginning, which is a very good place to start... Errr... Now that I'm done singing from the Sound of Music...or was it Mary Poppins, eh... Who cares? Let's go back to that fateful day (yesterday)... (initiate dramatic music) Dum...dumm...duummm...

It started out like every other morning. (yeah like a story like this wouldn't start out that way *sigh*) In which to say was way too early, mainly because my roommate Lizzy's a morning person and I'm not. Well actually Lizzy somehow manages to live off of fifteen minutes of sleep every day. (how? I'll never know) So anyway, we were in our dorm room at school, with me, Lei-Lei, trying to sleep and swearing not quite under my breath while Lizzy was busy pulling off my comforter. (I mentioned I'm not a morning person, right? Good)

"Come on, Lei-Lei! If you don't hurry we'll never get you a good costume!" She squealed and gave one more, good tug on my blankie, ripping its warmth from my body. My nice warm pea green blanket, with its lovely purple bunnies, gone, it's warmth no longer gracing my body. (I said it was warm not pretty)

*sigh* "Lizzy, I love ya'; I really do, but you're just too damn chipper for this early in the day," I rolled over and hid my head under the massive amounts of pillows and plushies at the head of my bed.

"Lei-Leeeeiiii, it's not early; it's 9:00 in the morning! And if we don't hurry all the good costumes'll be gone! You don't want that now dooo you?" Again with I love her, she's been my best friend since we were five, but god can she whine! Rolling over I peeked at her from under a raised arm and sighed again. (damn, she opened the curtains even)

"Lizzy, what the hell are you talking about? Why would I want to get a costume on the last day of school? Halloween? Yes. Mardi Gras? Perhaps. Hell, maybe even 'National Dress Up Like A Banana Day', but today? Why?" Short, curvy, with curly blonde hair and eternally cheery... If ever they needed a spokesperson for Stereotypical Blondes, Lizzy would be it.

"Is there really a 'National Dress Up Like A Banana Day?"

*sigh* Yup, definitely Spokesperson...

"I don't know Liz, I just made it up. So I'm guessing, not. Now, why was I woke up to get this costume you keep rattling on about my getting?" It's without doubt too early for this... Ahhh... Noon, how I love you... Your soft sunny greeting is so much nicer than this. Then again so would a sledgehammer to the skull...

"Costume? Wha?" God, what did I do to warrant this particular torture? (My poor head... up three minutes and a migraine's started)

"Oh, that costume! You're so silly... You forgot; didn't you?"

"Ummm..." Honestly what does she want me to say, 'No, I didn't forget, but I still have no idea what the hell you're saying, 'cuz you nuts!' (I don't quite think that'll go over well)

"Lei-Lei the whole Junior Class is having a costume party at Washington Hall tonight! Yeesh everyone knows about it! I know, you know about it; we read it off of a poster plastered on our Hall's door together!"

Finally sitting up, I glare at her. God, her only setting is loud, really LOUD.

"Hon. That's nice; really it is, but what's it got to do with me?" I'm getting an undeniably bad feeling about this...

"Obviously, everybody'll be there. So, maybe we can find you a boyfriend there, too! You know, someone nice, with a good personality, decent grades and most positively a hot body... You know the H-double-Oh-T kind," She wiggle her brows at me like I'm supposed to know what she's talking about.

"Double-Oh?" Where's my Tylenol...Advil...Motrin...Aspirin... any or all of the above will do...

"Yeah, you know, 'cuz he's so hot he needs that extra Oh. See?" *sigh* I had to ask...

"All right, all right! I'll get dress then we can go get a damned costume," Honestly the only reason I gave in was, I simply didn't think I could stand another explanation like that.

A half hour later (and one pointed stopping at the hall door to see the damn sign) we were on our way to 'Curious Costumes' to get my, oh so lovely getup for the evening. Lizzy was regrettably right in the fact that there weren't any very good outfits left. So I was stuck getting an Angel dress that looked like it was made out of a bed sheet and packing twine with chicken feathers... Mind you a Blue bed sheet and Gold packing twine with Duck feathers... (I was told they were Duck by the own who was not happy with my description of the costume... like it makes a difference) *sigh* Why me? I, having at least some dignity, refused to come out of the dressing room to prance in from of the triple mirrors after trying it on. (much to Liz's displeasure...Heh)

The rest of the day went pretty normal...well as normal as you can get for the last official day of school can be. You know, turned in books, said goodbye, and asked what people were doing for the summer, (I'm going to Florida with Lizzy, I'm flying she's driving-afraid of planes-who knew?) that kind of thing.

Yeah, it was all going pretty smooth 'till lunch... Yup, yup, looking back at it, that's where I went wrong. I mean there was nothing wrong with my lunch or anything like that... It's just on my way to 'Mr. Baker's Bakery' (yeah that's really the name) I, mindin' my own business, staring at the ground looking for lost change (which I can always put to good use) and the like, when I found this cool pendant.

It was really, truly and honestly pretty cool; it looked like one of those old skeleton keys. On one side it was gold and had little feathered wings and a little cherub head, then on the other side it was black, with little bat wings and a skull... After checking to see if anyone was looking for it. (I mean the thing's just so freaking cool, if it meant something to someone they'd be lookin' for it; right?) Upon spotting no one in the immediate area searching for anything, I did what any sensible person who just found something cool would do. I pocketed it. Not that, that in and of itself is all that strange, people find stuff in the streets all the time... But believe me, I shoulda left the thing be...(trust me, if you ever find sum'pin really cool just laying there; leave it!)

After class Lizzy cornered me and drug me (kicking and screaming) up to our room to dress in my sheet-twine-Duck feather concoction... Once it was donned, I reluctantly came out of the bathroom to Liz's inspection.

"Kawaii desu!" (she's such an otaku) "You're so cute. That blue just brings out your blue eyes!"

"They're green," In case you want to know I've got red hair too... We're talking fire engine red here. Oh yeah I was just such a Pretty Angel (please note the sarcasm) *sigh* Here we go... Hey on the bright side there will be alcohol there, maybe I can get so plastered that I won't remember any of this humiliation. Fat chance that this'll ever be erased from my memory. (just kill me now)

Ah, now the party wasn't that bad. (after a coupla Jell-O shots, a screwdriver and something neon green that was highly inebriating) I mean I didn't even mind the evil, evil outfit I was attired in, or the fact that some guy asked me to dance. Ah the wonderful qualities of alcohol. I Did however mind when Lizzy grab my arm (interrupting my dance) and started to drag me off to God-knows-where.

"Hey, I thought you wanted me to meet guys!" Oh yeah, I was tired, cranky and tipsy, not a very good combination...

"I do... I do, but Rickie already has a girlfriend," Lizzy continued to pull me trough the throngs of students, like she had a particular place to be.

"Rickie? Who?" Maybe I shouldn't of had that green thing...

Lizzy sighed, "The guy you were dancing with... But never mind him, there's this guy who wantes to meet you. I've never seen him before, he said he's seen you, but he is most assuredly H-Double Oh-T. Tall, nice body, great hair - long and black - and then there's his absolutely divine sense of style. Come on, Lei-Lei! HURRY!"

Finally she stopped. Unfortunately she stopped rather suddenly and I...well... didn't. So I kept going 'till I ran into something.

"Is this the girl you were talking about? She's average height and weight-"

"Hey!" I'm allowed to be upset with that, right?

"-With bright red hair and was wearing a dark blue shirt this morning that said 'Back Off' in orange letters." Honestly, Lizzy, I was standing right there...Yeesh...

"Yes, I do believe this is the same girl I saw this morn. I thank you for your trouble in finding her for me," Came the response from the wall I landed against. Wait! Since when do Walls talk!? Cool maybe we'd get those 'Ripley' guys to come here then we'd all be on TV.

"It wasn't any trouble, she's my roommate, after all. Lei-Lei," Lizzy pulled me away from the wall. "I'd like you to meet Lucifer...Louie this is Lei-Lei. Eh... Normally she's not like this... She's... She's just not feeling herself right now; that's all."

"I'm sure you are right," Hmmm... The wall sounded kinda doubtful.

"I assure you, your friend will be safe in my care. I will not do anything to harm her," Damn straight it wouldn't; walls can't hurt people. Unless you run into them, or are thrown into them, then they hurt.

"I just wish to speak to her for awhile, would that be suitable?" Wow, this was one really polite wall... Ya know, I'm startin' to think that I shouldn't of had that green thing.

"Oh, it's ok, I know Lei-Lei can take care of herself...even like this... Have fun Lei-Lei! I'll see you in Florida, K? Bye-bye" Uuurggg... I could hear the sticky sweet smile in her voice as she pushed me back toward the talking wall. I must say I've never known Lizzy to want me to make the acquaintance with a wall so badly before. Hmm... It was just an odd day.

"Lei-Lei, would you mind terribly much if we went to talk somewhere with less noise?" Hah! The wall wanted to move...Heh eheheheh...I couldn't help it; that's just funny... Just had ta giggle.


"Yeah, sure Mr. Wall lead the way," More giggling from my part. (damn drinks. I don't giggle!) The wall started to make his (by this time I've decided that the wall was most definitely a guy... He had a guy's voice anyway) way out of the dorm hall, leading me by the hand. (when did walls get hands?)

Before I knew it, we (the wall and I) were outside and I was sitting on one of the benches in the courtyard. I had ta say this wall is good...

"Lei-Lei, I need to ask you a question, would you answer it to the best of you knowledge?"

More giggling (damn) "You betcha Mr. Wall... Ask away..." The wall knelt in front of me, which was plain weirdness. Walls can't knell they don't have knees... Yeesh everyone knows that! Silly wall...

"Who is this Mr. Wall you keep referring to?"

"Ppfftt! You are silly..." Suddenly I felt a hand cup my chin pushing it up slightly. As soon as my eyes focused I found myself staring into a pair of crimson colored eyes, which were set on a well-defined face.

"I am most certainly not a wall," There was a gentle smirk on that well-defined face.

"No... No, you're not... What did you do to Mr. Wall... You...You Wall Killer!" Oh yeah, I will never ever drink whatever the hell that green thing was... Really one probably shouldn't drink anything neon-colored anyway...

"I am not a wall killer," I think he was laughing at me... (the jerk!)

"Yeah! If you're so certain you're not a wall killer then, Who The HELL Are You!?" Yes, if you can't tell, I was tittering on the edge of hysteria by this point. In my mind he kill the wall... Which shouldn't of bother me, but as I said earlier I was inebriated.

He sighed at me, "I am the person your friend introduce you to."

"NO! She introduced me to the WALL! And You Killed HIM!" Hysteria had now been reached.

"Why would your friend introduce you to a wall? I did not kill the wall, that feat is not possible. But this is not important; I have no desire to continue with this line of questioning. I wish to know where the Key is?" He was starting to get annoyed, Hah serves you right, you Wall Killer! Heh! (yeah, I take pleasure in annoying him)

"It is too possible, you did it. Lizzy knew he was a kind and gentle wall; that's why she brought me to meet him...You Killer! What key?"(ah, the joys of A.D.D.)

"The Key you pick up this morn. It is black on one side and gold on the other." His tone was somewhere between annoyance and frustration. (hah)

"Oh... That key why should I tell you where it is - you Murder!"

"For the last Fucking time - I did not kill a wall! All I want to know is where You put my Key!" I cringed at his raised voice and tried to move away. He reached out swiftly and grabbed my arm so that I was forced to remain seated.

I tried to jerk my arm free, as I kicked out and screamed, "Let go of me you freak! Go to HELL!"

"Not without my Key! Give it to me and I will leave you anon!" This had gone on too long why hadn't anyone noticed poor little defenseless me being harassed by this freak? (honestly, I want too know)

"I don't want a Noun! I want you to Go. To. HELL!"

"Stupid girl, I mentioned not 'a noun'! Give me the Key and I will take my leave of you!" After this outburst form him, I noticed that he had drug me up and we were on our way to my dorm. Once we got there he flung open the Hall's door and shove me in.

"Which one is your room?" Apparently our short march (it really can't be described any other way) to my dorm had soothed his temper somewhat.

"What are you going to do to me?" My temper had cooled as well. Mine however turned (though I loathe to admit) into undeniable fear instead.

"Nothing. If you return my Key I will do nothing to you, except make you forget that we had this conversation. Is that a sound enough answer for you?"

"What do you want this key for?" Yes, I have heard the expression 'curiosity killed the cat' before so, Shut Up!

"That is of no concern of yours. Just give the Key to me and I shall be departed from here."

By this time we had reached the room Lizzy and I shared. As I slid my key in the lock, I - for once - hoped Liz had come back from the party early, with a member of the football team in tow. (damn, why am I never lucky) Instead when I entered into my room it was dark and empty. (which is pretty impressive, as it is painted sunshine yellow and hot pink - Lizzy did it)

"Well, where is it?" Came the question directly behind me. From the sound of his voice he was not pleased. Whether the paint annoyed him or the piles of blankets, stuffed toy, books, stacks of luggage or the piles of laundry upset him, I don't know. (plan to find out, but don't know)

"It's in my jeans pocket." I dug around 'till I found the pants I wore earlier that day. After checking trough the pockets, I began to franticly search the area around my jeans. "I don't get it... I know I put it in my pocket... There's no way I could of dropped it!"

"What do you mean?" I instinctually knew to be afraid of that voice. It was low, silky and soft, but with a most assuredly dangerous quality about it.

"It was here," I pointed to the front right pocket. "It was right here all day, I know it was... I felt it... It was warm... And now... Now it's gone!" I could feel that tears had started to gather and threatened to spill.

"Warm? You say that the Key was warm? You are absolutely certain?" These questions made no sense, what would it matter if it was warm? All metal will warm if pressed tightly to one's body. I nodded my affirmative answer.

"Shit." Umm... That was not the reaction I had expected.

"Aug... Oakley... Nov... Web... Nary... Wen..." Definitely not what I had expected. Suddenly I felt a warm surge of energy flood my body. This caused a strange reaction; part of me was terrified, yet the other half felt completely relaxed and contented.

"Shit. It assimilated with you as a host. Damn, I though I had more time. Well, it looks like I must infringe upon your not quite hospitable, hospitality. Come along, you and I must go together, or else you will not make it."

"WAIT! I don't want to go anywhere with you. You said you wanted the Key; I don't have it anymore. So you and your trip can go to Hell! Leave me the Hell alone!"

"Yes, I have, had every intention all along to go back to Hell. I however now require you to accompany me."

"Oh yeah, sure; why not? Let's go to hell, after all that's where Everyone's going these days!" *sigh* Sarcasm is one of the best (and worst) things in the world...

"Not quite everyone, but that is beside the point; I am glad you agree. Let's go!" The Jerk had the nerve to smile at that! (a pure,innocent smile, like he really thought I actually agreed!) And once more with the chanting...

"Saw... Tal... Cus... Mucry...Ives... Scomb... Wyatt... Vings..."

Yes, that's how I ended up in Hell with Lucifer... *sigh* I never should of got up that day...


So that's it for chapter 1... Whatcha' think about it? This chapter, unlike how the others will be, was told in the past tense - though Lei-Lei's remembrance of the day. Any questions? Did I confuse you? Lose you anywhere? Truly I wanna know. So review and tell me what I did right and what I did wrong, whether you liked it or not. I'm a big girl; I can handle it. ^-^

Whispering Hope- Chibi Me's not Christian either... I just felt like messing with it... Plus if there went any Devils there'd be no Louie and that would be sad... He's just fun...

Saotoshi- I hope this explains why Lei-Lei's in HELL... (really one shouldn't drink things when they don't know what they are...) Also the Key that keeps be talked about will play a large part in the story. I'm sure that Louie'd be glad to know he's got a Fan Club.

Lucifer: No I am not.

Chibi Me: Shut up this is my response! *shoves him outta the way* Heh... don't mind him... I'll try to fix the me's and I's from now on... Thanks for telling me. ^-^