Margaret's red ball shone in the daylight as it landed on the grass. It rolled closer to the blue ball, closer than her opponents green ball. The smile faded quickly from Eddie Robertson's face. Margaret Finkler knelt in shock on the parks dry grass. The crowd stood there, and although it held a county record-breaking 21 people, no noise came from beyond the playing area; They were just as stunned as Margaret.
It was so quiet that if a pin was dropped, well, you still wouldn't have been able to hear it because metal doesn't 'ping' when it heats dirt. In another analogy, it was so silent that you could have heard the squeal of some bagpipes, followed by a gunshot, followed by more silence.
Everyone, the players, the park janitors, the crowd, that guy walking his dog who was bending over looking for his glasses before he remembered he had contacts, and the corpse of the bagpipe player stood there, watching and waiting. When the referee/announcer came back from the field with the official measurements, he turned on his megaphone.
"Margaret Finkler," Johnny the announcer said, "has beaten Mr. Robertson in the tie-breaking inter-county Southern Arizona lawn bowling championship of the month of April, in the year 2003." the crowd jumped in surprise and started screaming with joy. Somebody suggested that Margaret should jump off of the nearest oak into the crowds waiting arms. Obeying her well-wishers, Margaret climbed a large tree, and after she jumped towards the crowd, Eddie started to cry. Being at the ripe athletic age of 54, Eddie ended his 25 moth career because of that loss.
Johnny started to speak, and since no one was paying attention, he tried to get the group to quiet down and listen. To do this, the announcer said the first thing that came into his mind: "I'm wearing a thong on my head!" the crowd stopped, just as they had when Margaret threw the perfect ball. Everyone was aghast at such lying- it was more of a Speedo than a thong. In fact, it was quite surprising that no one noticed it before then. But public humiliation aside, Johnny had the crowds attention.
"However," he began, "I have reason to believe that Margaret was cheating, and although lawn bowling is not a judged sport, and i am actually the only official here, i am accusing her of creating a western voting block. As you all know this is illegal, and after removing her of her dignity and forcing her to quit lawn bowling forever, Margaret will be given life in prison." And from then on, Margaret felt a swirling mass of emotions, as if she was falling...falling...falling...
Finkler woke up. The time on the clock read 8:46 A.M. It had been a dream. It took Finkler to really focus and realize this. In fact, as it was thought about, the dream began to show its flaws. "For example", thought Finkler, "I live in Nevada, not Arizona, where the competition was. Second, everyone knows that for a lawn bowling game to be counted in the record books, there needs to be at least three officials, of which there need to be at least 4 nationalities represented not counting the 3 headed dodo, And thirdly, I'm a man!"
Margaret Finkler got out of bed. "Why'd they name me Margaret, why?" he grumbled as he did every morning. He wandered downstairs towards the main bathroom that held the bathtub. After his morning routine of brushing his teeth, having a shower, and shaving off his eyebrows, he turned on the radio.
"Torrential rain has cancelled the 'Outside Nevada' lawn-bowling tournament scheduled for today. In other news..." Margaret turned it off.
"Hmm... that's odd," he thought as he opened his cupboard, "Not only is that the first time it's rained on that spot in 71 years, but the last time lawn bowling was mentioned in the news was when that blind hermit crab won internationals in '87." He got out a box of 'Krunchy Puffs' and thought about this.
After a leisurely, but unfilling breakfast (He had forgotten to eat anything), Margaret sat down with that month's edition of 'The Lawn Bowling Gazette', and found the section of upcoming games. He heard a honk outside and found the car of his girlfriend waiting on the street; ever since his car was wrecked, Margaret had to ask people for rides.
"Hi Tony." Margaret said to his girlfriend (some parents really should check the sex of their child before naming it). "I'm still kinda tire, could you just drive me to one of these events in this magazine?" he showed her the page.
"Sure honey." she replied, and 5 hours later, they arrived in Arizona. Tony woke Margaret up, and after dropping him off at the game, she left, muttering something about a 3:00 dentist appointment.
A few hours later, near the end of the game, Margaret noticed a few things: a) Neon ties do not work fashion-wise as a belt, b) There was only one official in the game, and he was wearing a Speedo, and c) sometime during the ride, Margaret had gotten a sex change.
"Oh no!" She thought "Its just like my dream!" And then, after throwing her last ball, everything else turned out the same too. She thought of her future, living her life in jail, never being able to throw another ball, and she screamed. Of course, everybody there thought it was a scream of delight, and thinking back, Margaret realized that she had done the same thing in her dream. "What's happened to me? What can i do?" she thought.
Thinking in Hysterics, she had a plan. After climbing the tree, just as she had done before, Margaret smiled. Thinking that she would change the future by jumping the wrong way, she turned around, facing the nearby sidewalk. And then, a fraction of a second before she realized that she would break her neck on the pavement, Margaret Finkler knew that she was in complete control of her destiny.
The Lawn Bowling Chronicles by Zyblor
Fiction » Humor Rated: K+, English, Humor & Parody, Words: 2k+, Published: 9/22/2003 Updated: 5/19/2004}
5 Chapter 1: The InterCounty Arizona Championships