looking back on everything that has happened,
feeling alone,
remembering all the lies,
that we shared together,
happily joking,
before it ended,
until i can cope,
i just hope i sleep at night.
you're gone.
i tried to know,
what exactly was wrong,
but i never found out,
if you knew i cared.
did you ever know?
did you need to?
did i show it?
did you know you weren't alone?
but now you're gone.
and i'm feeling lost and alone,
like a part of me is dead,
just like you.
i miss you so much,
and i wish i could have you back,
but i can't go back in time,
i can't change the past,
i wish i could, though,
because i would.
i would tell you everything i felt,
in your last moments,
right before the line went flat,
and your chest sank so slowly,
and your eyes opened to meet mine.
your beautiful blue eyes.
your empty blue eyes.
eyes that had once sparkled with laughter,
eyes that knew me so well.
dead eyes now.
dead eyes.
and once again, i'm sobbing,
broken down on the floor,
wishing i could tell you all my problems,
telling you how i wished you weren't gone.
but somehow you're not,
a large part of you still lives within me,
a large part of me died with you.
but now, everything is empty,
and my life is in disarray,
and how i wish i could have changed,
how you died.
but when you took your last breath,
and said the words, "I love you"
i broke down and cried,
in spite of all the good memories i had,
because i knew that there would be no more,
no more happiness to be there for me,
when i walked into that empty room,
to see that empty bed and the silent television,
and the lights off.
so as i wonder aloud,
at what had went wrong,
i realize that nothing has been right for a long time,
and nothing will be,
until i accept the fact that you,
my grandfather, my best friend,
won't be here on this plane,
that you are somewhere else now,
in a place that i can't find until i am gone, too,
in a place where we can smile and laugh again,
so why do i cry now?
why can't i accept it?
because, you were my friend,
and a part of me died with you,
and i won't be able to have that part to live with anymore.
and even as i stare brokenly at the ceiling,
wishing you back so hard,
i know it won't happen.
it can't happen.
so i will have to settle for the images of you in my memory,
and in my dreams,
although i know i won't sleep tonight,
or tomorrow, for that matter,
and until i can swallow that lump in my throat,
i won't be able to swallow at all.
i won't be able to laugh for a while,
to smile, even.
i won't be able to forget,
the painful look on your face,
as i gently squeezed your hand,
when you asked me to free it of the numb feeling in it.
and when you blissfully slept,
dreaming of someplace far away,
i cried so hard my body shook,
because i couldn't bear to see you like that.
and now i know that you see me,
even when i am crying the tears i hid for so many years.
nobody can understand what you meant to me,
nobody could ever know.
you were always my best friend,
always the one who knew what i was feeling,
always the one who understood the pain i suffered,
and threatened to murder and hurt anyone who hurt me,
or tried to.
so when i think of the wild look in those beautiful blue eyes,
the eyes that recognized me,
the eyes that said so much in so little,
the eyes that were so cold and empty that day,
i think of our happiness,
and i cry anyway.
i cry in spite of myself,
i cry at your loss,
i cry at all the time we could have spent together,
i cry for all the things i hadn't said before that i should have.
so now that i have lost you,
i feel like i have no one else.
i feel like a part of me is dead,
like a part of me has died.
and even when i thought of all the sad times,
i cried even harder.
i sank to my knees on the floor and sobbed,
trying to deal with such a loss.
trying to deal with all the pain,
trying to deal with all the feelings,
that washed over me in waves of anguish and sorrow.
and i know that one day,
i will be able to think of you and not cry.
i will be able to think of you and smile.
i will be able to think of you and even laugh.
but that day won't be today,
because you -are- gone.
you -aren't- here with me to help me.
yet, you are.
yet, you are standing here beside me.
you are resting your much bigger hand on my shoulder,
as if to guide me through the years.
as if you'll be there, right by my side,
telling me it'll be okay.
telling me that everything's alright,
telling me that everything is wonderful where you are.
assuring me that i will be able to live again.
that i will remember you,
but i already know that.
how could i ever forget those eyes?
how could i forget your face?
everything is like some nightmarish dream,
that i wish would go away.
a dream that i wish wasn't real.
a dream i can't get out of.
and when i was down,
you had always been there to help me back up.
you were always there to talk to,
when i couldn't talk to anyone else,
when i felt like nobody else understood,
understood what i felt.
and now that you have passed,
who can i talk to?
who can i share my feelings with?
no one.
nobody.
because they don't understand the way that you did.
because they can't understand.
because they won't understand.
the guilt i feel for not telling you everything,
is even worse than anything else.
the feelings of loss i feel now,
are second in line.
i wish so hard that things would go back to the way they used to be.
i wish they were the same again.
but that can't, and won't happen.
only because you are gone.
of course i can still talk to you,
but can no longer hear your reply.
i can't see your smiling face as i walk into your room anymore.
i can't listen to your stories about Japan and your tattoos,
and your Harley Davidsons,
and how things used to be when you were younger.
and how things were when i was younger.
and how you used to always make me fall asleep so easily,
by doing nothing at all.
by just laying me on your stomach,
i would fall asleep so fast.
if only you had been here a little while longer.
but you aren't here anymore,
and i have to go on.
but can i?