187Somebody with a lot of free time on her hands spent it posting a "Bush Resume" on three of my review pages. I thought I'd spend a chapter highlighting and analyzing it.
EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE
LAW ENFORCEMENT: I was arrested in
Kennebunkport,
Maine in 1976 for
driving under the influence of alcohol. I pled
guilty, paid a fine, and had
my driver's license suspended for 30 days. My Texas
driving record has
been "lost" and is not available.
The nice thing about the job of President is that it comes with a chauffeured limo and an escort, so in case he ever gets that intoxicated again he'll have a permanent Designated Driver and a bunch of cops and Secret Service agents to keep people out of the way, just in case. So that means the safest thing for all concerned is to keep Bush in office!
MILITARY: I joined the Texas Air National Guard and
went AWOL. I refused
to take a drug test or answer any questions about my
drug use. By joining
the Texas Air National Guard, I was able to avoid
combat duty in Vietnam.
According to Article 2 of the U.S. Constitution, a spotless military record is not a requirement for the job of President, so he could actually write a letter to someone saying he "loathed" the military altogether and still be Commander-In-Chief of it, as Mr. Bill "It-depends-on-what-the-definition-of-'Is'-is" Clinton so aptly demonstrated.
COLLEGE: I graduated from Yale University. I was a
cheerleader.
Which makes sense, given that he's so good at eliciting cheers from the troops when he visits them on carriers and in war zones...as opposed to Mrs. Hillary "Vast-Right-Wing-Conspiracy" Clinton, who probably only made it out of Afghanistan alive because none of our people wanted to waste a bullet and the enemy knows she does more damage when she's at home.
PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:
I ran for U.S. Congress and lost.
So did lots of other people. A perfect win streak is also not a job requirement for a President.
I began my career in the oil business in Midland,
Texas in 1975. I bought
an
oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas. The
company went bankrupt
shortly after I sold all my stock.
Funny, if this is true why do any of you Bush-haters care that he's fighting "Wars for Oil"? He apparently doesn't know how to profit from the oil business, so he's not actually getting anything out of it.
I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a
sweetheart deal that took
land using taxpayer money.
Cleveland Browns, bought and maintained with taxpayer money. Green Bay Packers, owned and operated with taxpayer money. Yankee Stadium, partially financed by taxpayer money. Do you know how many people around the world you'd put out of work if funding a sports venture with taxpayer money were a disqualifier on a resume?
With the help of my father and our right-wing
friends in the oil industry
(including Enron CEO Ken Lay), I was elected
Governor of Texas.
Nothing the oilmen and the state Republicans did would have meant a thing if the majority of the people in Texas had simply voted for the other candidate.
ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS GOVERNOR:
I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power and
oil companies, making
Texas the most polluted state in the Union.
During my tenure, Houston replaced Los Angeles as
the most smog-ridden
city in America.
Well, if you're so concerned about the environment in Texas isn't it better that he's got a new job somewhere else?
I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas treasury to the
tune of billions in
borrowed money.
You don't need to borrow money you don't spend. What did the Texas Legislature do to help out? Hmmm?
I set the record for the most executions by any
Governor in American
history.
Wait, you mean he actually executed people convicted of crimes and sentenced to Death by the Texas Criminal Justice System? Wowzers! That's, like, profound! It's almost as if he was actually DOING HIS JOB as the Chief Law Enforcement Officer of the State! The Media should hear about this!
With the help of my brother, the Governor of
Florida, and my father's
appointments to the Supreme Court, I became
President after losing by
over 500,0 votes.
This "Gore won the popular vote" argument is getting tired. I'm still convinced the only way that claim works is if you disregard Florida (where I've already demonstrated George Bush got more votes and would have even if Gore's people had won their last challenge). The Supreme Court didn't give Bush the Presidency. His brother had zero - repeat: ZERO - influence over what transpired. George Bush is the 43rd President of the United States because he BEAT Al Gore.
Now, unlike some of my colleagues I'm not gonna fall back on the "Electoral College" argument. Yes, the Constitution says the Electors of the state choose the President, but the choice has yet to go against the popular vote, and I'm convinced that remained the case in 2000. You think I'm wrong?
PROVE IT!
I've already demonstrated my argument, and I'm done listening to all these little throw away lines like "The person with the most votes didn't win!" Show me numbers based on an official source that gives the count of all the votes nationwide - INCLUDING Florida - which demonstrate that Al Gore got more votes overall. Don't tell me "Well, Florida's technically still in dispute"! Don't hand me "Well if we'd counted so-and-so's vote..."! And especially don't waste my time with "Well, Michael Moore said..."! Michael Moore's a proven liar!
And if it were actually the case that the loser of the popular vote became President don't you think it would have been a better use of your time trying to get an Amendment to the Constitution passed that would prevent this happening again instead of spending three damn years trying to change the outcome of an election that's already dead and buried?
ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT:
I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing
cost of over one
billion dollars per week.
And in the process drove a terrorist organization into hiding, destroyed two dictatorial regimes and freed more people in two years than the United Nations and "International Law" has in the past Fifty. Money well spent, I say.
I spent the U.S. surplus and effectively bankrupted
the U.S. Treasury.
Funny, last I checked the government hadn't stopped spending money.
I shattered the record for the largest annual
deficit in U.S. history.
Nope. Congress did. The President can't spend money without Congress's okay. So what is Congress doing to reduce the deficit?
I set an economic record for most private
bankruptcies filed in any
12-month period.
You mean he filed all those bankruptcies himself? Or were they filed by average citizens who couldn't manage their own finances properly? If it's the latter, then who's in the White House has almost nothing to do with it.
I set the all-time record for the biggest drop in
the history of the U.S.
stock market.
As of the previous week, the market was back at 10,000.
I am the first president in U.S. history to enter
office with a criminal
record.
And his predecessor was the first to leave with one. What's your point? A spotless past is desirable, but is not a job requirement for the Presidency.
I set the the all-time record for most days on
vacation in any one year
period.
Hey, isn't it a belief of the Left that we should treat labor here the way they do in places like France? That's means he didn't take enough vacation time. Bravo to the President for setting an example!
After taking-off the entire month of August, I
presided over the worst
security failure in U. .
Then presided over the most effective response in the history of warfare to the people who took advantage of the security failure, conquering a country that humbled both the British Empire and the Soviet Union and decimating a hostile regime in the Fastest Ground Offensive Ever.
I am supporting development of a nuclear "Tactical
Bunker Buster," a WMD.
Let's be clear: We don't actually need to get rid of all WMD. Just the ones owned by the people who do not like us.
In my State Of The Union Address, I lied about our
reasons for attacking
Iraq, then blamed the lies on our British friends.
So I guess the Iraqi Colonel who came forward and identified himself as the source of the information used is lying too, huh?
I set the record for most campaign fund-raising
trips by a U.S. president.
And won control of Congress for the Republican Party. How is this a problem?
In my first year in office over 2-million Americans
lost their jobs and
that trend continues every month.
So you're saying that NOBODY got a job in the two intervening years? NO business hired anybody? Anywhere? Prove it.
I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a
12-month period.
Again, did he do the actual foreclosing?
I appointed more convicted criminals to
administration than any president
in U.S. history.
All Congress had to do to stop him was dissent. Why didn't it? (And before you whipout the knee-jerk answer, these people were appointed before the Republicans won Congress.)
I set the record for least amount of press
conferences than any president
since the advent of television.
Thank God! That means he's the first President since the advent of television who spends most of his time WORKING.
I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S.
history and refused to
intervene when corruption involving the oil industry
was revealed.
Mainly because he was too busy trying to prevent the next energy crisis by passing a bill that would completely renovate a dilapidated power transfer system. Too bad his political opponents were too busy coming up with "resumes" like this to help him get it done.
I presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S.
history.
Which are coming down as I write this.
I have cut health care benefits for war veterans and
support a cut in duty
benefits for active duty troops and their families
- in war time.
Again, the President can't spend money Congress won't give him.
I have set the all-time record for most people
worldwide to simultaneously
protest me in public venues (15 million people)
shattering the record for
protest against any person in the history of
mankind.
Which only serves to "out" 15 million stupid people. That's a positive.
I've broken more international treaties than any
president in U.S.
history.
And it's about damn time, too!
I'm proud that the members of my cabinet are the
richest of any
administration in U.S. history. My "poorest
millionaire," Condoleeza Rice,
has a Chevron oil tanker named after her.
Name ONE baglady in the Clinton Administration!
I am the first president in U.S. history to order an
unprovoked,
pre-emptive attack and the military occupation of a
sovereign nation.
Technically, no he's not. From the South's perspective that was Abraham Lincoln.
[I did] so against the will of the United Nations,
So what?
[the] majority of U.S. citizens,
Every time National Security is mentioned Bush's numbers go up. Translation: the majority of U.S. citizens agree with him.
and
the world community.
Again, so what?
I created the Ministry of Homeland Security, the
largest bureaucracy in
the history of the United States government .
It's called "Department", foreigner! But I'll give you this one. It is an unnecessary one.
I am the first president in U.S. history to have the
United Nations remove
the U.S. from the Human Rights Commission.
And they added Cuba to it! Why would we want to be a part of that group?
I withdrew the U.S. from the World Court of Law.
F-in' A! You go, Dubya!
I refused to allow inspectors access to U.S.
prisoners of war" detainees)
and thereby have refused to abide by the Geneva
Convention.
In the words of the Gunny: "Semper Fi! Carry On!"
I am the first president in history to refuse United
Nations election
inspectors (during the 2002 U.S. election).
Given the track record of U.N. Inspectors, they probably wouldn't be able to FIND our elections even if we let them in.
I am the all-time U.S. and world record-holder for
receiving the most
corporate campaign donations.
Again, it wouldn't matter if everybody voted for somebody else.
My largest lifetime campaign contributor, and one of
my best friends,
Kenneth Lay, presided over the largest corporate
bankruptcy fraud in
U.S. history. My political party used the Enron
private jets and corporate
attorneys to assure my success with the U.S. Supreme
Court during my
election decision. I have
protected my friends at Enron and Halliburton
against investigation or
prosecution.
Actually, the Bush Justice Department went out of its way to make Examples of those involved in the Enron Scandal, precisely to avoid the look of impropriety suggested here.
More time and money was spent
investigating the Monica
Lewinsky affair than has been spent investigating
one of the biggest
corporate ripoffs in history.
Because they managed to catch and prosecute the people involved in the Enron scandal, mainly because those people didn't have the political backing of the guy who PURSUED the affair with Monica Lewinski!
I garnered the most sympathy for the U.S. after the
World Trade Center
attacks and less than a year later made the U.S. the
most hated country in
the world, the largest failure of diplomacy in world
history.
The only diplomacy "failure" was that the diplomacy didn't end sooner. And let's get one thing straight: That "sympathy" wasn't magnanimous. The world OWES us every bit of support it can muster, because without us it would S.O.L. most of the time!
I am first president in history to have a majority
of Europeans (71%) view
my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace
and security.
Again, outing idiots is a positive.
I changed the U.S. policy to allow convicted
criminals to be awarded
government contracts.
Well, either he likes criminals or he kills and jails too many of them. Which is it?
I have so far failed to fulfill my pledge to bring
Osama Bin Laden and
Saddam Hussein to justice.
Maybe you've heard...a few days ago we caught this guy-oh, what was his name...it's right there in the back of my mind...Oh yes! That would be SADDAM HUSSEIN! One down...
RECORDS AND REFERENCES:
All records of my tenure as Governor of Texas are
now in my father's
library, sealed, and unavailable for public view.
All records of SEC investigations into my insider
trading and my bankrupt
companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for
public view.
All records or minutes from meetings that I, or my
Vice-President,
attended regarding public energy policy are sealed
in secrecy and
unavailable for public review.
Please consider my experience when voting in 2004 -
Yes, do that, especially after you consider the Conspiracy Theorist Ex-Governor, Military Micromanager, Civil Rights Windbag, Vice Presidential Election Loser and other assorted Jackasses vying for the right to run against him.