i hate the way i am-
sometimes i want to change-
change into something, someone else-
i want to be pretty-
i want heads to turn an glasses to drop when i walk into a room-
i want women to stare at me, smiling tight lipped smiles as they hold their
husbands protectively close to their side, digging sharp, heavily polished
nails into their arms-
i want to be smart-
i want people to pay attention when i open my mouth-
i want to say such things that leave the smartest, most opinionated, most
gifted scholars laying awake at night, perplexed by the sheer complexity of
my philosophical viewpoints-
i want to do good-
i want to help people with my carefully planned actions-
i want to know that when i die people will mourn my loss & remember the
great things i did and the countless lives i changed & how i lived my best
w/o regret-
but sometimes, sometimes i want other things-
different things-
darker things-
i want to be hurt-
i want the pain that life has to give to wash over me-
i want to feel it in every nerve in my body, taste my own sweet blood as it
comes pouring out in swift currents and hear every tortured cry my heart
makes as it breaks-
i want to kill-
i want to be the one to write the other's final chapter-
i want to be overcome w/ the power that allows me to be both the giver and
the taker as the last breath is on its way from the still warm body in my
i want to die-
i want to be released from this place, in one way or another-
i want to given the ultimate reward, eternal peace, and fly away from all
the evil and dirty things that this world, this reality, has to offer;
released by my own hand-
sometimes i hate me-
sometimes i love me-
when i lay in bed at night the two fight themselves out in my mind-
then i cant sleep-
and i am left contemplating all that i want-
all that i need-
all that i crave-
and i pray that the better of the two sides wins by the morning...
~KcS '02~