8Many of you are aware that Boston and New York have been battling for a spot at the World Series lately. Yes, my household, along with the many, many, MANY others, has tuned in every evening to watch this display of excellent baseball. In fact, AS I AM TYPING THIS, the television is tuned to channel 5, and the game is playing, although the sounds are drowned out by the piano as my mom practices religiously. She occasionally shouts out the highlights of the game. Were my father home and installing the cable like a good father should, then after he was finished and I got out of his hair asking awkward questions about the conductivity of masking tape, then the family would all sit together on the coach and enjoy some quality time. Instead, I am here, to uncover the truth. What are those journalists called? Oh yes. Muckrakers. Well, my muckraking activities have reached their climax, and it is time to let loose the hounds of hell... I will do with merely letting my dog off her leash and have a cat placed conveniently a few feet away. This should ensue enough hell to last this one essay. But first I must check the, ahem, "game".
Now that I have returned from such a wonderful spectacle, I will finally shock you with this unavoidable truth. The REAL reason everyone watches baseball is all about the butt. YES. It's true. There is no denying this fact. We must accept this and move on so that we can live our lives in full acceptance of baseball-butt worship. There is no other logical reason why anyone would tune into a bunch of handsome men running around in a circle (all right, diamond-shaped figure, for all you picky ones out there) with relatively tight pants on. Oh I guess one could spare a few minutes from oogling to care about the game, but when there are so many fine specimens of men out there strutting their stuff, it's hard for one's concentration to stray. The uniform committee must know this, and must be in league with the Fox channel. Why else would the baseball uniform, over time, have gotten tighter? Basketball uniforms have evolved from their "short-short" days, sadly, but fortunately watching basketball happens to be just a tad bit more gripping than circle-running and ball- whacking/throwing. No, I smell conspiracy in the beloved sport of baseball... I can just imagine a conversation between talent scouts when recruiting for the major leagues...
Scout A: Well, will you look at the fine fanny on that one?
Scout B: Yes, Jim, if that had the proper training, he could be the
next ! Umm, I mean, in baseball. (Cough, cough)
Scout A: Oh and look, all the fans will love that swing. Just look at
how fast he swings that bat. We'll just have to get him to hit the
ball. It'll be no trouble. Jeter was worse before we whipped him
into shape!
Scout B: Oh whipped, is that what that was?
Scout A: Shh! You know you're not supposed to quote that anymore. We
got away with the spanking in the dugout, but quoting the Sacred Film
won't bode well.
You see? And besides, what other sport actively practices team molestation? I know it would bother me if I had my image of masculinity to upkeep and my fellow "masculine" teammate sauntered over and gave me a friendly pat on the arse. But this is baseball. anything is possible when it comes to the behind. Remember that maintenance man who got beat up at Fenway for "cheering for the other team" in the Yankees dugout? Well, you know the atmosphere in the dugout. All you team members around. Lots of love in the air. Such a situation screams sodomy. I'm not saying that there was an act of rape here, but maybe said maintenance man made look anorexic. Maybe when he bent over (I'm surprised the man could walk upright) to pick up an article of garbage or such, a surge of envy seared through some players livers... maybe they couldn't stand the fact that his ass was SO HUGE. The jealousy was unbearable. They had to whoop that ass into shape (quite literally). This is my theory. Considering how heavy the ass is weighted in baseball (no pun intended), anything is likely as long as it pertains to le derriere. Furthermore, it's not only just us girls who are obsessed with the butts... I know you guys are out there secretly sneaking glances at those fine specimens of buttocks. You pretend you were just checking the jersey number, but we all know you can't take you eyes away.
I understand that many of you will be angered by such an opinion. There are still many out there who have yet to fully accept this life of butt- worship. But don't worry, you are not alone. Along with you are the thousands... possibly tens of thousands... who are unknowingly watching baseball for ALL THE WRONG REASONS. But you need not worry. A life of such ignorant bliss must be pleasant. But I wouldn't know.